CHAPTER XXIII

omedtonurseaflatteringideathatmystrongattachmenttoherprovedsomeparticularperspicacityinmynatureshewasnothandsome,shewasnotrich,shewasnotevenaccomplished,yetwasshemylife’streasureImustthenbeamanofpeculiardiscernment.To-nightmyeyesopenedonthemistakeIhadmadeIbegantosuspectthatitwasonlymytasteswhichwereunique,notmypowerofdiscoveringandappreciatingthesuperiorityofmoralworthoverphysicalcharms.FormeFranceshadphysicalcharms:inhertherewasnodeformitytogetovernoneofthoseprominentdefectsofeyes,teeth,complexion,shape,whichholdatbaytheadmirationoftheboldestmalechampionsofintellect(forwomencanloveadownrightuglymanifhebebuttalented)hadshebeeneither“edentee,myope,rugueuse,oubossue,”myfeelingstowardshermightstillhavebeenkindly,buttheycouldneverhavebeenimpassionedIhadaffectionforthepoorlittlemisshapenSylvie,butforherIcouldneverhavehadlove.ItistrueFrances’mentalpointshadbeenthefirsttointerestme,andtheystillretainedthestrongestholdonmypreferencebutIlikedthegracesofherpersontoo.Iderivedapleasure,purelymaterial,fromcontemplatingtheclearnessofherbrowneyes,thefairnessofherfineskin,thepurityofherwell-setteeth,theproportionofherdelicateformandthatpleasureIcouldillhavedispensedwith.Itappeared,then,thatItoowasasensualist,inmytemperateandfastidiousway. Now,reader,duringthelasttwopagesIhavebeengivingyouhoneyfreshfromflowers,butyoumustnotliveentirelyonfoodsoluscioustastethenalittlegall—justadrop,bywayofchange. AtasomewhatlatehourIreturnedtomylodgings:havingtemporarilyforgottenthatmanhadanysuchcoarsecaresasthoseofeatinganddrinking,Iwenttobedfasting.Ihadbeenexcitedandinactionallday,andhadtastednofoodsinceeightthatmorningbesides,forafortnightpast,Ihadknownnoresteitherofbodyormindthelastfewhourshadbeenasweetdelirium,itwouldnotsubsidenow,andtilllongaftermidnight,brokewithtroubledecstacytherestIsomuchneeded.AtlastIdozed,butnotforlongitwasyetquitedarkwhenIawoke,andmywakingwaslikethatofJobwhenaspiritpassedbeforehisface,andlikehim,“thehairofmyfleshstoodup.”Imightcontinuetheparallel,forintruth,thoughIsawnothing,yet“athingwassecretlybroughtuntome,andmineearreceivedalittlethereoftherewassilence,andIheardavoice,”saying—“Inthemidstoflifeweareindeath.” Thatsound,andthesensationofchillanguishaccompanyingit,manywouldhaveregardedassupernaturalbutIrecognizeditatonceastheeffectofreaction.Manisevercloggedwithhismortality,anditwasmymortalnaturewhichnowfalteredandplainedmynerves,whichjarredandgaveafalsesound,becausethesoul,oflaterushingheadlongtoanaim,hadoverstrainedthebody’scomparativeweakness.AhorrorofgreatdarknessfelluponmeIfeltmychamberinvadedbyoneIhadknownformerly,buthadthoughtforeverdeparted.Iwastemporarilyapreytohypochondria. Shehadbeenmyacquaintance,nay,myguest,oncebeforeinboyhoodIhadentertainedheratbedandboardforayearforthatspaceoftimeIhadhertomyselfinsecretshelaywithme,sheatewithme,shewalkedoutwithme,showingmenooksinwoods,hollowsinhills,wherewecouldsittogether,andwhereshecoulddropherdrearveiloverme,andsohideskyandsun,grassandgreentreetakingmeentirelytoherdeath-coldbosom,andholdingmewitharmsofbone.Whattalesshewouldtellmeatsuchhours!Whatsongsshewouldreciteinmyears!Howshewoulddiscoursetomeofherowncountry—thegrave—andagainandagainpromisetoconductmethereerelongand,drawingmetotheverybrinkofablack,sullenriver,showme,ontheotherside,shoresunequalwithmound,monument,andtablet,standingupinaglimmermorehoarythanmoonlight.“Necropolis!”shewouldwhisper,pointingtothepalepiles,andadd,“Itcontainsamansionpreparedforyou.” Butmyboyhoodwaslonely,parentlessuncheeredbybrotherorsisterandtherewasnomarvelthat,justasIrosetoyouth,asorceress,findingmelostinvaguementalwanderings,withmanyaffectionsandfewobjects,glowingaspirationsandgloomyprospects,strongdesiresandslenderhopes,shouldliftupherillusivelamptomeinthedistance,andluremetohervaultedhomeofhorrors.NowonderherspellsTHENhadpowerbutNOW,whenmycoursewaswidening,myprospectbrighteningwhenmyaffectionshadfoundarestwhenmydesires,foldingwings,wearywithlongflight,hadjustalightedontheverylapoffruition,andnestledtherewarm,content,underthecaressofasofthand—whydidhypochondriaaccostmenow? Irepulsedherasonewouldadreadedandghastlyconcubinecomingtoembitterahusband’shearttowardhisyoungbrideinvainshekeptherswayovermeforthatnightandthenextday,andeightsucceedingdays.Afterwards,myspiritsbeganslowlytorecovertheirtonemyappetitereturned,andinafortnightIwaswell.Ihadgoneaboutasusualallthetime,andhadsaidnothingtoanybodyofwhatIfeltbutIwasgladwhentheevilspiritdepartedfromme,andIcouldagainseekFrances,andsitatherside,freedfromthedreadfultyrannyofmydemon.