XIII
關燈
小
中
大
hrugginghisshoulders.'Howcouldyoubeexpectedtobelieveme?'
'ButIbelieveyounow.IamhorrifiedwhenIthinkofherviceandcruelty.'
'Ah,well,itisovernow.'
'Quite!Ihateheranddespiseher.Oh,IwishIcouldgetherfacetofaceandtellherwhatIthinkofher.'
IthoughtmytalkwithMatteohadrelievedme,Ithoughttheworstwasoverbutatnightmelancholycameonmestrongerthanever,andIgroanedasIthrewmyselfonmybed.Ifeltsoterriblyaloneintheworld....Ihadnorelationbutahalf-brother,aboyoftwelve,whomIhadhardlyseenandasIwanderedthroughtheland,anexile,Ihadbeencontinuallyassailedbythehatefuldemonofloneliness.AndsometimesinmysolitudeIhadfeltthatIcouldkillmyself.ButwhenIfoundIwasinlovewithGiulia,Icriedaloudwithjoy....Ithreweverythingtothewinds,gatheringmyselfupforthesupremeeffortofpassion.AllthestormandstresswerepassedIwasnolongeralone,forIhadsomeonetowhomIcouldgivemylove.Iwasliketheshipthatarrivesintheharbour,andreefshersailsandclearsherdeck,settlingdowninthequietnessofthewaters.
Andnowallwasover!OhGod,tothinkthatmyhopesshouldbeshatteredinsoshortatime,thattheshipshouldbesosoontossedaboutinthestorm,andthestarshiddenbytheclouds!Andthepastdelightmadethepresentdarknessallthemorebitter.Igroaned.InmymiseryIutteredaprayertoGodtohelpme.IcouldnotthinkIshouldlivehenceforth.HowcouldIgoonexistingwiththisachingvoidinmyheart?Icouldnotspenddaysandweeksandyearsalwayswiththisdespair.Itwastooterribletolast.Myreasontoldmethattimewouldremedyitbuttimewassolong,andwhatmiserymustIgothroughbeforethewoundwashealed!AndasIthoughtofwhatIhadlost,myagonygrewmoreunbearable.Itgrewvivid,andIfeltGiuliainmyarms.IpantedasIpressedmylipsagainsthers,andIsaidtoher,—
'Howcouldyou!'
Iburiedmyfaceinmyhands,soasbettertoenjoymydream.Is
