Chapter 5

atthebreachbetweenherandourselvesisnowentirelyhealed.” “Didsheasknoquestions—astothenatureofLilia’sdeath,Imean?” “Shedid.Butshehasamindofextraordinarydelicacy.ShesawthatIwasreticent,andshedidnotpressme.Yousee,Philip,IcansaytoyouwhatIcouldnotsaybeforeHarriet.Herideasaresocrude.ReallywedonotwantitknowninSawstonthatthereisababy.Allpeaceandcomfortwouldbelostifpeoplecameinquiringafterit.” Hismotherknewhowtomanagehim.Heagreedenthusiastically.Andafewdayslater,whenhechancedtotraveluptoLondonwithMissAbbott,hehadallthetimethepleasantthrillofonewhoisbetterinformed.TheirlastjourneytogetherhadbeenfromMonterianobackacrossEurope.Ithadbeenaghastlyjourney,andPhilip,fromtheforceofassociation,ratherexpectedsomethingghastlynow. Hewassurprised.MissAbbott,betweenSawstonandCharingCross,revealedqualitieswhichhehadneverguessedhertopossess.Withoutbeingexactlyoriginal,shedidshowacommendableintelligence,andthoughattimesshewasgaucheandevenuncourtly,hefeltthatherewasapersonwhomitmightbewelltocultivate. Atfirstsheannoyedhim.Theyweretalking,ofcourse,aboutLilia,whenshebrokethethreadofvaguecommiserationandsaidabruptly,“Itisallsostrangeaswellassotragic.AndwhatIdidwasasstrangeasanything.” Itwasthefirstreferenceshehadevermadetohercontemptiblebehaviour.“Nevermind,”hesaid.“It’sallovernow.Letthedeadburytheirdead.It’sfallenoutofourlives.” “Butthat’swhyIcantalkaboutitandtellyoueverythingIhavealwayswantedto.Youthoughtmestupidandsentimentalandwickedandmad,butyouneverreallyknewhowmuchIwastoblame.” “IndeedIneverthinkaboutitnow,”saidPhilipgently.Heknewthathernaturewasinthemaingenerousandupright:itwasunnecessaryforhertorevealherthoughts. “ThefirsteveningwegottoMonteriano,”shepersisted,“Liliawentoutforawalkalone,sawthatItalianinapicturesquepositiononawall,andfellinlove.Hewasshabbilydressed,andshedidnotevenknowhewasthesonofadentist.ImusttellyouIwasusedtothissortofthing.OnceortwicebeforeIhadhadtosendpeopleabouttheirbusiness.” “Yeswecountedonyou,”saidPhilip,withsuddensharpness.Afterall,ifshewouldrevealherthoughts,shemusttaketheconsequences. “Iknowyoudid,”sheretortedwithequalsharpness.“Liliasawhimseveraltimesagain,andIknewIoughttointerfere.Icalledhertomybedroomonenight.Shewasveryfrightened,forsheknewwhatitwasaboutandhowsevereIcouldbe.‘Doyoulovethisman?’Iasked.‘Yesorno?’Shesaid‘Yes.’AndIsaid,‘Whydon’tyoumarryhimifyouthinkyou’llbehappy?’” “Really—really,”explodedPhilip,asexasperatedasifthethinghadhappenedyesterday.“YouknewLiliaallyourlife.Apartfromeverythingelse—asifshecouldchoosewhatcouldmakeherhappy!” “Hadyoueverletherchoose?”sheflashedout.“I’mafraidthat’srude,”sheadded,tryingtocalmherself. “Letusrathersayunhappilyexpressed,”saidPhilip,whoalwaysadoptedadrysatiricalmannerwhenhewaspuzzled. “Iwanttofinish.NextmorningIfoundSignorCarellaandsaidthesametohim.He—well,hewaswilling.That’sall.” “Andthetelegram?”Helookedscornfullyoutofthewindow. Hithertohervoicehadbeenhard,possiblyinself-accusation,possiblyindefiance.Nowitbecameunmistakablysad.“Ah,thetelegram!Thatwaswrong.LiliatherewasmorecowardlythanIwas.Weshouldhavetoldthetruth.Itlostmemynerve,atallevents.Icametothestationmeaningtotellyoueverythingthen.Butwehadstartedwithalie,andIgotfrightened.Andattheend,whenyouleft,Igotfrightenedagainandcamewithyou.” “Didyoureallymeantostop?” “Foratime,atallevents.” “Wouldthathavesuitedanewlymarriedpair?” “Itwouldhavesuitedthem.Lilianeededme.Andasforhim—Ican’thelpfeelingImighthavegotinfluenceoverhim.” “Iamignorantofthesematters,”saidPhilip“butIshouldhavethoughtthatwouldhaveincreasedthedifficultyofthesituation.” Thecrispremarkwaswastedonher.Shelookedhopelesslyattherawover-builtcountry,andsaid,“Well,Ihaveexplained.” “Butpardonme,MissAbbottofmostofyourconductyouhavegivenadescriptionratherthananexplanation.” Hehadfairlycaughther,andexpectedthatshewouldgapeandcollapse.Tohissurprisesheansweredwithsomespirit,“Anexplanationmayboreyou,Mr.Herriton:itdragsinothertopics.” “Oh,nevermind.” “IhatedSawston,yousee.” Hewasdelighted.“SodidanddoI.That’ssplendid.Goon.” “Ihatedtheidleness,thestupidity,therespectability,thepettyunselfishness.” “Pettyselfishness,”hecorrected.Sawstonpsychologyhadlongbeenhisspecialty. “Pettyunselfishness,”sherepeated.“Ihadgotanideathateveryoneherespenttheirlivesinmakinglittlesacrificesforobjectstheydidn’tcarefor,topleasepeopletheydidn’tlovethattheyneverlearnttobesincere—and,what’sasbad,neverlearnthowtoenjoythemselves.That’swhatIthought—whatIthoughtatMonteriano.” “Why,MissAbbott,”hecried,“youshouldhavetoldmethisbefore!Thinkitstill!Iagreewithlotsofit.Magnificent!” “NowLilia,”shewenton,“thoughtherewerethingsaboutherIdidn’tlike,hadsomehowkeptthepowerofenjoyingherselfwithsincerity.AndGino,Ithought,wassplendid,andyoung,andstrongnotonlyinbody,andsincereastheday.Iftheywantedtomarry,whyshouldn’ttheydoso?Whyshouldn’tshebreakwiththedeadeninglifewhereshehadgotintoagroove,andwouldgooninit,gettingmoreandmore—worsethanunhappy—apathetictillshedied?OfcourseIwaswrong.Sheonlychangedonegrooveforanother—aworsegroove.Andasforhim—well,youknowmoreabouthimthanIdo.Icannevertrustmyselftojudgecharactersagain.ButIstillfeelhecannothavebeenquitebadwhenwefirstmethim.Lilia—thatIshoulddaretosayit!—musthavebeencowardly.Hewasonlyaboy—justgoingtoturnintosomethingfine,Ithought—andshemusthavemismanagedhim.SothatistheonetimeIhavegoneagainstwhatisproper,andtherearetheresults.Youhaveanexplanationnow.” “Andmuchofithasbeenmostinteresting,thoughIdon’tunderstandeverything.Didyouneverthinkofthedisparityoftheirsocialposition?” “Weweremad—drunkwithrebellion.Wehadnocommon-sense.Assoonasyoucame,yousawandforesaweverything.” “Oh,Idon’tthinkthat.”Hewasvaguelydispleasedatbeingcreditedwithcommon-sense.ForamomentMissAbbotthadseemedtohimmoreunconventionalthanhimself. “Ihopeyousee,”sheconcluded,“whyIhavetroubledyouwiththislongstory.Women—Iheardyousaytheotherday—areneverateasetilltheytelltheirfaultsoutloud.Liliaisdeadandherhusbandgonetothebad—allthroughme.Yousee,Mr.Herriton,itmakesmespeciallyunhappyit’stheonlytimeI’veevergoneintowhatmyfathercalls‘reallife’—andlookwhatI’vemadeofit!AllthatwinterIseemedtobewakinguptobeautyandsplendourandIdon’tknowwhatandwhenthespringcame,IwantedtofightagainstthethingsIhated—mediocrityanddulnessa