Chapter XXII

etothinkthatinthecourseofagesImaybethewheatonafertileplain,orthesmokefromafireofbramblesonthecommon.IwishIcouldbeburiedintheopenfields,ratherthaninthegrimcoldnessofachurchyard,sothatImightanticipatethechange,andreturnmorequicklytothelifeofnature. Believeme,separationwastheonlypossibleoutcome.Ilovedyoutoopassionatelytobecontentwiththecoldregardwhichyougaveme.Oh,ofcourseIwasexacting,andtyrannical,andunkindIcanconfessallmyfaultsnowmyonlyexcuseisthatIwasveryunhappy.ForallthepainIhavecausedyou,Ibegyoutoforgiveme.Wemayaswellpartfriends,andIfreelyforgiveyouforallyouhavemademesuffer.NowIcanaffordalsototellyouhownearIwastonotcarryingoutmyintention.YesterdayandthismorningIscarcelyheldbackmytearsthepartingseemedtoohard,IfeltIcouldnotleaveyou.Ifyouhadaskedmenottogo,ifyouhadevenshownthesmallestsignofregrettingmydeparture,IthinkIshouldhavebrokendown.Yes,Icantellyounow,thatIwouldhavegivenanythingtostay.Alas!Iamsoweak.InthetrainIcriedbitterly.Itisthefirsttimewehavebeenapartsinceourmarriage,thefirsttimethatwehavesleptunderdifferentroofs.Butnowtheworstisover.Ihavetakenthestep,andIshalladheretowhatIhavedone.IamsureIhaveactedforthebest.Iseenoharminourwritingtooneanotheroccasionallyifitpleasesyoutoreceivelettersfromme.IthinkIhadbetternotseeyou,atalleventsforsometime.Perhapswhenwearebothagooddealolderwemay,withoutdanger,seeoneanothernowandthenbutnotyet.Ishouldbeafraidtoseeyourface. AuntPollyhasnosuspicion.Icanassureyouithasbeenanefforttolaughandtalkduringtheevening,andIwasgladtogettomyroom.NowitispastmidnightandIamstillwritingtoyou.IfeltIoughttoletyouknowmythoughts,andIcantellthemmoreeasilybyletterthanbywordofmouth.Doesitnotshowhowseparatedinheartwehavebecome,thatIshouldhesitatetosaytoyouwhatIthink—andIhadhopedtohavemyheartalwaysopentoyou.IfanciedthatIneedneverconcealathing,norhesitatetoshowyoueveryemotionandeverythought.—Good-bye. BERTHA. 72EliotMansions,Chelsea,S.W. April23. MypoorEdward,—YousayyouhopeIshallsoongetbetterandcomebacktoCourtLeys.YoumisunderstandmymeaningsocompletelythatIalmostlaughed.ItistrueIwasoutofspiritsandtiredwhenIwrote—butthatwasnotthereasonofmyletter.Cannotyouconceiveemotionsnotentirelyduetoone’sphysicalcondition?Youcannotunderstandme,youneverhaveandyetIwouldnottakeupthevulgarandhackneyedpositionofafemmeincomprise.Thereisnothingtounderstandaboutme.Iamverysimpleandunmysterious.Ionlywantedlove,andyoucouldnotgiveitme.No,ourpartingisfinalandirrevocable.Wha