Chapter XXII
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72EliotMansions,Chelsea,S.W.
April18.
DearEdward,—Ithinkwewerewisetopart.Weweretoounsuitedtooneanother,andourdifficultiescouldonlyhaveincreased.Theknotofmarriagebetweentwopersonsofdifferingtemperamentsissointricatethatitcanonlybecut:youmaytrytounravelit,andthinkyouaresucceeding,butanotherturnshowsyouthatthetangleisonlyworsethanever.Eventimeispowerless.Somethingsareimpossibleyoucannotheapwateruplikestones,youcannotmeasureonemanbyanotherman’srule.Iamcertainwewerewisetoseparate.Iseethatifwehadcontinuedtolivetogetherourquarrelswouldhaveperpetuallyincreased.Itishorribletolookbackuponthosevulgarbrawls—wewrangledlikefishwives.Icannotunderstandhowmymouthcouldhaveutteredsuchthings.
Itisverybittertolookbackandcomparemyanticipationswithwhathasreallyhappened.DidIexpecttoomuchfromlife?Ahme,Ionlyexpectedthatmyhusbandwouldloveme.ItisbecauseIaskedsolittlethatIhavereceivednothing.Inthisworldyoumustaskmuch,youmustspreadyourpraisesabroad,youmusttrampleunder-footthosewhostandinyourpath,youmusttakeupalltheroomyoucanoryouwillbeelbowedawayyoumustbeirredeemablyselfish,oryouwillbeathingofnoaccount,afripperythatmanplayswithandflingsaside.
OfcourseIexpectedtheimpossible,IwasnotsatisfiedwiththeconventionalunityofmarriageIwantedtobereallyonewithyou.Oneselfisthewholeworld,andallotherpeoplearemerelystrangers.Atfirstinmyvehementdesire,IusedtodespairbecauseIknewyousolittleIwasheartbrokenattheimpossibilityofreallyunderstandingyou,ofgettingrightdownintoyourheartofhearts.Never,tothebestofmyknowledge,haveIseenyourveritableselfyouarenearlyasmuchastrangertomeasifIhadknownyoubutanhour.Ibaredmysoultoyou,concealingnothing—thereisinyouamanIdonotknowandhaveneverseen.Wearesoabsolutelydifferent,Idon’tknowasinglethingthatwehaveincommonoftenwhenwehavebeentalkingandfallenintosilence,ourthoughts,startingfromthesamestandpoint,havetravelledincontrarydirections,andonspeakingagain,wefoundhowwidelytheyhaddiverged.Ihopedtoknowyoutothebottomofyoursoul.Oh,Ihopedthatweshouldbeunited,soastohavebutonesoulbetweenusandyetonthemostcommonplaceoccasion,Icanneverknowyourthoughts.Perhapsitmighthavebeendifferentifwehadhadchildrentheymighthaveformedbetweenusatruerlink,andperhapsinthedelightofthemIshouldhaveforgottenmyimpracticabledreams.Butfatewasagainstus,Icomefromarottenstock.ItiswritteninthebookthattheLeysshoulddepartfromthesightofmen,andreturntotheirmothertheearth,tobeincorporatedwithherandwhoknowsinthefuturewhatmaybeourlot!Ilik