CHAPTER XLIV

notsaythis,butIdobelieveit.Iamconvincedthatsheisnotwithoutadecidedpreference.Ihavenojealousyofanyindividual.ItistheinfluenceofthefashionableworldaltogetherthatIamjealousof.ItisthehabitsofwealththatIfear.Herideasarenothigherthanherownfortunemaywarrant,buttheyarebeyondwhatourincomesunitedcouldauthorise.Thereiscomfort,however,evenhere.Icouldbetterbeartoloseherbecausenotrichenough,thanbecauseofmyprofession.Thatwouldonlyproveheraffectionnotequaltosacrifices,which,infact,Iamscarcelyjustifiedinaskingand,ifIamrefused,that,Ithink,willbethehonestmotive.Herprejudices,Itrust,arenotsostrongastheywere.Youhavemythoughtsexactlyastheyarise,mydearFannyperhapstheyaresometimescontradictory,butitwillnotbealessfaithfulpictureofmymind.Havingoncebegun,itisapleasuretometotellyouallIfeel.Icannotgiveherup.Connectedaswealreadyare,and,Ihope,aretobe,togiveupMaryCrawfordwouldbetogiveupthesocietyofsomeofthosemostdeartometobanishmyselffromtheveryhousesandfriendswhom,underanyotherdistress,Ishouldturntoforconsolation.ThelossofMaryImustconsiderascomprehendingthelossofCrawfordandofFanny.Wereitadecidedthing,anactualrefusal,IhopeIshouldknowhowtobearit,andhowtoendeavourtoweakenherholdonmyheart,andinthecourseofafewyears—butIamwritingnonsense.WereIrefused,ImustbearitandtillIam,Icanneverceasetotryforher.Thisisthetruth.Theonlyquestionishow?Whatmaybethelikeliestmeans?IhavesometimesthoughtofgoingtoLondonagainafterEaster,andsometimesresolvedondoingnothingtillshereturnstoMansfield.Evennow,shespeakswithpleasureofbeinginMansfieldinJunebutJuneisatagreatdistance,andIbelieveIshallwritetoher.Ihavenearlydeterminedonexplainingmyselfbyletter.Tobeatanearlycertaintyisamaterialobject.Mypresentstateismiserablyirksome.Consideringeverything,Ithinkaletterwillbedecidedlythebestmethodofexplanation.IshallbeabletowritemuchthatIcouldnotsay,andshallbegivinghertimeforreflectionbeforesheresolvesonheranswer,andIamlessafraidoftheresultofreflectionthanofanimmediatehastyimpulseIthinkIam.MygreatestdangerwouldlieinherconsultingMrs.Fraser,andIatadistanceunabletohelpmyowncause.Aletterexposestoalltheevilofconsultation,andwherethemindisanythingshortofperfectdecision,anadvisermay,inanunluckymoment,leadittodowhatitmayafterwardsregret.Imustthinkthismatteroveralittle.Thislongletter,fullofmyownconcernsalone,willbeenoughtotireeventhefriendshipofaFanny.ThelasttimeIsawCrawfordwasatMrs.Fraser’sparty.IammoreandmoresatisfiedwithallthatIseeandhearofhim.Thereisnotashadowofwavering.Hethoroughlyknowshisownmind,andactsuptohisresolutions:aninestimablequality.Icouldnotseehimandmyeldestsisterinthesameroomwithoutrecollectingwhatyouoncetoldme,andIacknowledgethattheydidnotmeetasfriends.Therewasmarkedcoolnessonherside.Theyscarcelyspoke.Isawhimdrawbacksurprised,andIwassorrythatMrs.RushworthshouldresentanyformersupposedslighttoMissBertram.YouwillwishtohearmyopinionofMaria’sdegreeofcomfortasawife.Thereisnoappearanceofunhappiness.Ihop