CHAPTER XVII. CONFESSIONS

ndhe,ofallothers,atleast.Besides,Idon’tcareforhisletters,”sheadded,contemptuously“hemaywriteasoftenashepleases,andlookasgreatacalfashelikeswhenImeethimitonlyamusesme.” Meantime,youngMelthamwasprettyfrequentinhisvisitstothehouseortransitspastitand,judgingbyMatilda’sexecrationsandreproaches,hersisterpaidmoreattentiontohimthancivilityrequiredinotherwords,shecarriedonasanimatedaflirtationasthepresenceofherparentswouldadmit.ShemadesomeattemptstobringMr.Hatfieldoncemoretoherfeetbutfindingthemunsuccessful,sherepaidhishaughtyindifferencewithstillloftierscorn,andspokeofhimwithasmuchdisdainanddetestationasshehadformerlydoneofhiscurate.But,amidallthis,sheneverforamomentlostsightofMr.Weston.Sheembracedeveryopportunityofmeetinghim,triedeveryarttofascinatehim,andpursuedhimwithasmuchperseveranceasifshereallylovedhimandnoother,andthehappinessofherlifedependeduponelicitingareturnofaffection.Suchconductwascompletelybeyondmycomprehension.HadIseenitdepictedinanovel,IshouldhavethoughtitunnaturalhadIhearditdescribedbyothers,IshouldhavedeemeditamistakeoranexaggerationbutwhenIsawitwithmyowneyes,andsufferedfromittoo,Icouldonlyconcludethatexcessivevanity,likedrunkenness,hardenstheheart,enslavesthefaculties,andpervertsthefeelingsandthatdogsarenottheonlycreatureswhich,whengorgedtothethroat,willyetgloatoverwhattheycannotdevour,andgrudgethesmallestmorseltoastarvingbrother. Shenowbecameextremelybeneficenttothepoorcottagers.Heracquaintanceamongthemwasmorewidelyextended,hervisitstotheirhumbledwellingsweremorefrequentandexcursivethantheyhadeverbeenbefore.Hereby,sheearnedamongthemthereputationofacondescendingandverycharitableyoungladyandtheirencomiumsweresuretoberepeatedtoMr.Weston:whomalsoshehadthusadailychanceofmeetinginoneorotheroftheirabodes,orinhertransitstoandfroandoften,likewise,shecouldgather,throughtheirgossip,towhatplaceshewaslikelytogoatsuchandsuchatime,whethertobaptizeachild,ortovisittheaged,thesick,thesad,orthedyingandmostskilfullyshelaidherplansaccordingly.Intheseexcursionsshewouldsometimesgowithhersister—whom,bysomemeans,shehadpersuadedorbribedtoenterintoherschemes—sometimesalone,never,now,withmesothatIwasdebarredthepleasureofseeingMr.Weston,orhearinghisvoiceeveninconversationwithanother:whichwouldcertainlyhavebeenaverygreatpleasure,howeverhurtfulorhoweverfraughtwithpain.Icouldnotevenseehimatchurch:forMissMurray,undersometrivialpretext,chosetotakepossessionofthatcornerinthefamilypewwhichhadbeenmineeversinceIcameand,unlessIhadthepresumptiontostationmyselfbetweenMr.andMrs.Murray,Imustsitwithmybacktothepulpit,whichIaccordinglydid. Now,also,Ineverwalkedhomewithmypupils:theysaidtheirmammathoughtitdidnotlookwelltoseethreepeopleoutofthefamilywalking,andonlytwogoinginthecarriageand,astheygreatlypreferredwalkinginfineweather,Ishouldbehonouredbygoingwiththeseniors.“Andbesides,”saidthey,“youcan’twalkasfastaswedoyouknowyou’realwayslaggingbehind.”Iknewthesewerefalseexcuses,butImadenoobjections,andnevercontradictedsuchassertions,wellknowingthemotiveswhichdictatedthem.Andintheafternoons,duringthosesixmemorableweeks,Ineverwenttochurchatall.IfIhadacold,oranyslightindisposition,theytookadvantageofthattomakemestayathomeandoftentheywouldtellmetheywerenotgoingagainthatday,themselves,andthenpretendtochangetheirminds,andsetoffwithouttellingme:somanagingtheirdeparturethatIneverdiscoveredthechangeofpurposetilltoolate.Upontheirreturnhome,ononeoftheseoccasions,theyentertainedmewithananimatedaccountofaconversationtheyhadhadwithMr.Westonastheycam