CHAPTER XVII. CONFESSIONS

ealong.“Andheaskedifyouwereill,MissGrey,”saidMatilda“butwetoldhimyouwerequitewell,onlyyoudidn’twanttocometochurch—sohe’llthinkyou’returnedwicked.” Allchancemeetingsonweek-dayswerelikewisecarefullypreventedfor,lestIshouldgotoseepoorNancyBrownoranyotherperson,MissMurraytookgoodcaretoprovidesufficientemploymentforallmyleisurehours.Therewasalwayssomedrawingtofinish,somemusictocopy,orsomeworktodo,sufficienttoincapacitatemefromindulginginanythingbeyondashortwalkaboutthegrounds,howeversheorhersistermightbeoccupied. Onemorning,havingsoughtandwaylaidMr.Weston,theyreturnedinhighgleetogivemeanaccountoftheirinterview.“Andheaskedafteryouagain,”saidMatilda,inspiteofhersister’ssilentbutimperativeintimationthatsheshouldholdhertongue.“Hewonderedwhyyouwereneverwithus,andthoughtyoumusthavedelicatehealth,asyoucameoutsoseldom.” “Hedidn’tMatilda—whatnonsenseyou’retalking!” “Oh,Rosalie,whatalie!Hedid,youknowandyousaid—Don’t,Rosalie—hangit!—Iwon’tbepinchedso!And,MissGrey,Rosalietoldhimyouwerequitewell,butyouwerealwayssoburiedinyourbooksthatyouhadnopleasureinanythingelse.” “Whatanideahemusthaveofme!”Ithought. “And,”Iasked,“doesoldNancyeverinquireaboutme?” “Yesandwetellheryouaresofondofreadinganddrawingthatyoucandonothingelse.” “ThatisnotthecasethoughifyouhadtoldherIwassobusyIcouldnotcometoseeher,itwouldhavebeennearerthetruth.” “Idon’tthinkitwould,”repliedMissMurray,suddenlykindlingup“I’msureyouhaveplentyoftimetoyourselfnow,whenyouhavesolittleteachingtodo.” Itwasnousebeginningtodisputewithsuchindulged,unreasoningcreatures:soIheldmypeace.Iwasaccustomed,now,tokeepingsilencewhenthingsdistastefultomyearwereutteredandnow,too,Iwasusedtowearingaplacidsmilingcountenancewhenmyheartwasbitterwithinme.Onlythosewhohavefeltthelikecanimaginemyfeelings,asIsatwithanassumptionofsmilingindifference,listeningtotheaccountsofthosemeetingsandinterviewswithMr.Weston,whichtheyseemedtofindsuchpleasureindescribingtomeandhearingthingsassertedofhimwhich,fromthecharacteroftheman,Iknewtobeexaggerationsandperversionsofthetruth,ifnotentirelyfalse—thingsderogatorytohim,andflatteringtothem—especiallytoMissMurray—whichIburnedtocontradict,or,atleast,toshowmydoubtsabout,butdarednotlest,inexpressingmydisbelief,Ishoulddisplaymyinteresttoo.OtherthingsIheard,whichIfeltorfearedwereindeedtootrue:butImuststillconcealmyanxietyrespectinghim,myindignationagainstthem,beneathacarelessaspectothers,again,merehintsofsomethingsaidordone,whichIlongedtohearmoreof,butcouldnotventuretoinquire.Sopassedthewearytime.Icouldnotevencomfortmyselfwithsaying,“Shewillsoonbemarriedandthentheremaybehope.” SoonafterhermarriagetheholidayswouldcomeandwhenIreturnedfromhome,mostlikely,Mr.Westonwouldbegone,forIwastoldthatheandtheRectorcouldnotagree(theRector’sfault,ofcourse),andhewasabouttoremovetoanotherplace. No—besidesmyhopeinGod,myonlyconsolationwasinthinkingthat,thoughheknowitnot,IwasmoreworthyofhislovethanRosalieMurray,charmingandengagingasshewasforIcouldappreciatehisexcellence,whichshecouldnot:Iwoulddevotemylifetothepromotionofhishappinessshewoulddestroyhishappinessforthemomentarygratificationofherownvanity.“Oh,ifhecouldbutknowthedifference!”Iwouldearnestlyexclaim.“Butno!Iwouldnothavehimseemyheart:yet,ifhecouldbutknowherhollowness,herworthless,heartlessfrivolity,hewouldthenbesafe,andIshouldbe—almosthappy,thoughImightneverseehimmore!” Ifear,bythistime,thereaderiswellnighdisgustedwiththefollyandweaknessIhavesofreelylaidbeforehim.Ineverdiscloseditthen,andwou