CHAPTER XVII. CONFESSIONS

AsIaminthewayofconfessionsImayaswellacknowledgethat,aboutthistime,IpaidmoreattentiontodressthaneverIhaddonebefore.Thisisnotsayingmuch—forhithertoIhadbeenalittleneglectfulinthatparticularbutnow,also,itwasnouncommonthingtospendasmuchastwominutesinthecontemplationofmyownimageintheglassthoughInevercouldderiveanyconsolationfromsuchastudy.Icoulddiscovernobeautyinthosemarkedfeatures,thatpalehollowcheek,andordinarydarkbrownhairtheremightbeintellectintheforehead,theremightbeexpressioninthedarkgreyeyes,butwhatofthat?—alowGrecianbrow,andlargeblackeyesdevoidofsentimentwouldbeesteemedfarpreferable.Itisfoolishtowishforbeauty.Sensiblepeoplenevereitherdesireitforthemselvesorcareaboutitinothers.Ifthemindbebutwellcultivated,andtheheartwelldisposed,nooneevercaresfortheexterior.Sosaidtheteachersofourchildhoodandsosaywetothechildrenofthepresentday.Allveryjudiciousandproper,nodoubtbutaresuchassertionssupportedbyactualexperience? Wearenaturallydisposedtolovewhatgivesuspleasure,andwhatmorepleasingthanabeautifulface—whenweknownoharmofthepossessoratleast?Alittlegirllovesherbird—Why?Becauseitlivesandfeelsbecauseitishelplessandharmless?Atoad,likewise,livesandfeels,andisequallyhelplessandharmlessbutthoughshewouldnothurtatoad,shecannotloveitlikethebird,withitsgracefulform,softfeathers,andbright,speakingeyes.Ifawomanisfairandamiable,sheispraisedforbothqualities,butespeciallytheformer,bythebulkofmankind:if,ontheotherhand,sheisdisagreeableinpersonandcharacter,herplainnessiscommonlyinveighedagainstashergreatestcrime,because,tocommonobservers,itgivesthegreatestoffencewhile,ifsheisplainandgood,providedsheisapersonofretiredmannersandsecludedlife,nooneeverknowsofhergoodness,exceptherimmediateconnections.Others,onthecontrary,aredisposedtoformunfavourableopinionsofhermind,anddisposition,ifitbebuttoexcusethemselvesfortheirinstinctivedislikeofonesounfavouredbynatureandviceversawithherwhoseangelformconcealsaviciousheart,orshedsafalse,deceitfulcharmoverdefectsandfoiblesthatwouldnotbetoleratedinanother.Theythathavebeauty,letthembethankfulforit,andmakeagooduseofit,likeanyothertalenttheythathaveitnot,letthemconsolethemselves,anddothebesttheycanwithoutit:certainly,thoughliabletobeover-estimated,itisagiftofGod,andnottobedespised.Manywillfeelthiswhohavefeltthattheycouldlove,andwhoseheartstellthemthattheyareworthytobelovedagainwhileyettheyaredebarred,bythelackofthisorsomesuchseemingtrifle,fromgivingandreceivingthathappinesstheyseemalmostmadetofeelandtoimpart.Aswellmightthehumbleglowwormdespisethatpowerofgivinglightwithoutwhichtherovingflymightpassherandrepassherathousandtimes,andneverrestbesideher:shemighthearherwingeddarlingbuzzingoverandaroundherhevainlyseekingher,shelongingtobefound,butwithnopowertomakeherpresenceknown,novoicetocallhim,nowingstofollowhisflight—theflymustseekanothermate,thewormmustliveanddiealone. Suchweresomeofmyreflectionsaboutthisperiod.Imightgoonprosingmoreandmore,Imightdivemuchdeeper,anddiscloseotherthoughts,proposequestionsthereadermightbepuzzledtoanswer,anddeduceargumentsthatmightstartlehisprejudices,or,perhaps,provokehisridicule,becausehecouldnotcomprehendthembutIforbear. Now,therefore,letusreturntoMissMurray.SheaccompaniedhermammatotheballonTuesdayofcoursesplendidlyattired,anddelightedwithherprospectsandhercharms.AsAshbyParkwasnearlytenmilesdistantfromHortonLodge,theyhadtosetoutprettyearly,andIintendedtohavespenttheeveningwithNancyBrown,whomIhadnotseenforalongtimebutmykindpupiltookcareIshouldspenditneithertherenor