CHAPTER XXIX
關燈
小
中
大
BetweentwelveandonethatSundaynightKatharinelayinbed,notasleep,butinthattwilightregionwhereadetachedandhumorousviewofourownlotispossibleorifwemustbeserious,ourseriousnessistemperedbytheswiftoncomeofslumberandoblivion.ShesawtheformsofRalph,William,Cassandra,andherself,asiftheywereallequallyunsubstantial,and,inputtingoffreality,hadgainedakindofdignitywhichresteduponeachimpartially.Thusridofanyuncomfortablewarmthofpartisanshiporloadofobligation,shewasdroppingofftosleepwhenalighttapsoundeduponherdoor.AmomentlaterCassandrastoodbesideher,holdingacandleandspeakinginthelowtonespropertothetimeofnight.
“Areyouawake,Katharine?”
“Yes,I’mawake.Whatisit?”
Sherousedherself,satup,andaskedwhatinHeaven’snameCassandrawasdoing?
“Icouldn’tsleep,andIthoughtI’dcomeandspeaktoyou—onlyforamoment,though.I’mgoinghometo-morrow.”
“Home?Why,whathashappened?”
“Somethinghappenedto-daywhichmakesitimpossibleformetostayhere.”
Cassandraspokeformally,almostsolemnlytheannouncementwasclearlypreparedandmarkedacrisisoftheutmostgravity.Shecontinuedwhatseemedtobepartofasetspeech.
“Ihavedecidedtotellyouthewholetruth,Katharine.Williamallowedhimselftobehaveinawaywhichmademeextremelyuncomfortableto-day.”
Katharineseemedtowakencompletely,andatoncetobeincontrolofherself.
“AttheZoo?”sheasked.
“No,onthewayhome.Whenwehadtea.”
Asifforeseeingthattheinterviewmightbelong,andthenightchilly,KatharineadvisedCassandratowrapherselfinaquilt.Cassandradidsowithunbrokensolemnity.
“There’satrainateleven,”shesaid.“IshalltellAuntMaggiethatIhavetogosuddenly....IshallmakeViolet’svisitanexcuse.But,afterthinkingitover,Idon’tseehowIcangowithouttellingyouthetruth.”
ShewascarefultoabstainfromlookinginKatharine’sdirection.Therewasaslightpause.
“ButIdon’tseetheleastreasonwhyyoushouldgo,”saidKatharineeventually.HervoicesoundedsoastonishinglyequablethatCassandraglancedather.Itwasimpossibletosupposethatshewaseitherindignantorsurprisedsheseemed,onthecontrary,sittingupinbed,withherarmsclaspedroundherkneesandalittlefrownonherbrow,tobethinkingcloselyuponamatterofindifferencetoher.
“BecauseIcan’tallowanymantobehavetomeinthatway,”Cassandrareplied,andsheadded,“particularlywhenIknowthatheisengagedtosomeoneelse.”
“Butyoulikehim,don’tyou?”Katharineinquired.
“That’sgotnothingtodowithit,”Cassandraexclaimedindignantly.“Iconsiderhisconduct,underthecircumstances,mostdisgraceful.”
Thiswasthelastofthesentencesofherpremeditatedspeechandhavingspokenitshewasleftunprovidedwithanymoretosayinthatparticularstyle.WhenKatharineremarked:
“Ishouldsayithadeverythingtodowithit,”Cassandra’sself-possessiondesertedher.
“Idon’tunderstandyouintheleast,Katharine.Howcanyoubehaveasyoubehave?EversinceIcamehereI’vebeenamazedbyyou!”
“You’veenjoyedyourself,haven’tyou?”Katharineasked.
“Yes,Ihave,”Cassandraadmitted.
“Anyhow,mybehaviorhasn’tspoiledyourvisit.”
“No,”Cassandraallowedoncemore.Shewascompletelyataloss.InherforecastoftheinterviewshehadtakenitforgrantedthatKatharine,afteranoutburstofincredulity,wouldagreethatCassandramustreturnhomeassoonaspossible.ButKatharine,onthecontrary,acceptedherstatementatonce,seemedneithershockednorsurprised,andmerelylookedrathermorethoughtfulthanusual.Frombeingamaturewomanchargedwithanimportantmission,Cassandrashrunktothestatureofaninexperiencedchild.
“DoyouthinkI’vebeenveryfoolishaboutit?”sheasked.
Katharinemadenoanswer,butstillsatdeliberatingsilently,andacertainfeelingofalarmtookpossessionofCassandra.Perhapsherwordshadstruckfardeeperthanshehadthought,intodepthsbeyondherreach,assomuchofKatharinewasbeyondherreach.Shethoughtsuddenlythatshehadbeenplayingwithverydangeroustools.
Lookingatheratlength,Katharineaskedslowly,asifshefoundthequestionverydifficulttoask.
“ButdoyoucareforWilliam?”
Shemarkedtheagitationandbewildermentofthegirl’sexpression,andhowshelookedawayfromher.
“Doyoumean,amIinlovewithhim?”Cassandraasked,breathingquickly,andnervouslymovingherhands.
“Yes,inlovewithhim,”Katharinerepeated.
“HowcanIlovethemanyou’reengagedtomarry?”Cassandraburstout.
“Hemaybeinlovewithyou.”
“Idon’tthinkyou’veanyrighttosaysuchthings,Katharine,”Cassandraexclaimed.“Whydoyousaythem?Don’tyoumindintheleasthowWilliambehavestootherwomen?IfIwereengaged,Icouldn’tbearit!”
“We’renotengaged,”saidKatharine,afterapause.
“Katharine!”Cassandracried.
“No,we’renotengaged,”Katharinerepeated.“Butnooneknowsitbutourselves.”
“Butwhy—Idon’tunderstand—you’renotengaged!”Cassandrasaidagain.“Oh,thatexplainsit!You’renotinlovewithhim!Youdon’twanttomarryhim!”
“Wearen’tinlovewitheachotheranylonger,”saidKatharine,asifdisposingofsomethingforeverandever.
“Howqueer,howstrange,howunlikeotherpeopleyouare,Katharine,”Cassandrasaid,herwholebodyandvoiceseemingtofallandcollapsetogether,andnotraceofangerorexcitementremaining,butonlyadreamyquietude.
“You’renotinlovewithhim?”
“ButIlovehim,”saidKatharine.
Cassandraremainedbowed,asifbytheweightoftherevela
