CHAPTER XXVIII

Likeastrainofmusic,theeffectofKatharine’spresenceslowlydiedfromtheroominwhichRalphsatalone.Themusichadceasedintheraptureofitsmelody.Hestrainedtocatchthefaintestlingeringechoesforamomentthememorylulledhimintopeacebutsoonitfailed,andhepacedtheroomsohungryforthesoundtocomeagainthathewasconsciousofnootherdesireleftinlife.Shehadgonewithoutspeakingabruptlyachasmhadbeencutinhiscourse,downwhichthetideofhisbeingplungedindisorderfelluponrocksflungitselftodestruction.Thedistresshadaneffectofphysicalruinanddisaster.Hetrembledhewaswhitehefeltexhausted,asifbyagreatphysicaleffort.Hesankatlastintoachairstandingoppositeheremptyone,andmarked,mechanically,withhiseyeupontheclock,howshewentfartherandfartherfromhim,washomenow,andnow,doubtless,againwithRodney.Butitwaslongbeforehecouldrealizethesefactstheimmensedesireforherpresencechurnedhissensesintofoam,intofroth,intoahazeofemotionthatremovedallfactsfromhisgrasp,andgavehimastrangesenseofdistance,evenfromthematerialshapesofwallandwindowbywhichhewassurrounded.Theprospectofthefuture,nowthatthestrengthofhispassionwasrevealedtohim,appalledhim. ThemarriagewouldtakeplaceinSeptember,shehadsaidthatallowedhim,then,sixfullmonthsinwhichtoundergotheseterribleextremesofemotion.Sixmonthsoftorture,andafterthatthesilenceofthegrave,theisolationoftheinsane,theexileofthedamnedatbest,alifefromwhichthechiefgoodwasknowinglyandforeverexcluded.Animpartialjudgemighthaveassuredhimthathischiefhopeofrecoverylayinthismystictemper,whichidentifiedalivingwomanwithmuchthatnohumanbeingslongpossessintheeyesofeachothershewouldpass,andthedesireforhervanish,buthisbeliefinwhatshestoodfor,detachedfromher,wouldremain.Thislineofthoughtoffered,perhaps,somerespite,andpossessedofabrainthathaditsstationconsiderablyabovethetumultofthesenses,hetriedtoreducethevagueandwanderingincoherencyofhisemotionstoorder.Thesenseofself-preservationwasstronginhim,andKatharineherselfhadstrangelyreviveditbyconvincinghimthathisfamilydeservedandneededallhisstrength.Shewasright,andfortheirsake,ifnotforhisown,thispassion,whichcouldbearnofruit,mustbecutoff,uprooted,showntobeasvisionaryandbaselessasshehadmaintained.Thebestwayofachievingthiswasnottorunawayfromher,buttofaceher,andhavingsteepedhimselfinherqualities,toconvincehisreasonthattheywere,assheassuredhim,notthosethatheimagined.Shewasapracticalwoman,adomesticwifeforaninferiorpoet,endowedwithromanticbeautybysomefreakofunintelligentNature.Nodoubtherbeautyitselfwouldnotstandexamination.Hehadthemeansofsettlingthispointatleast.HepossessedabookofphotographsfromtheGreekstatuestheheadofagoddess,ifthelowerpartwereconcealed,hadoftengivenhimtheecstasyofbeinginKatharine’spresence.Hetookitdownfromtheshelfandfoundthepicture.Tothisheaddedanotefromher,biddinghimmeetherattheZoo.HehadaflowerwhichhehadpickedatKewtoteachherbotany.Suchwerehisrelics.Heplacedthembeforehim,andsethimselftovisualizehersoclearlythatnodeceptionordelusionwaspossible.Inasecondhecouldseeher,withthesunslantingacrossherdress,comingtowardshimdownthegreenwalkatKew.Hemadehersitupontheseatbesidehim.Heheardhervoice,solowandyetsodecidedinitstoneshespokereasonablyofindifferentmatters.Hecouldseeherfaults,andanalyzehervirtues.Hispulsebecamequieter,andhisbrainincreasedinclarity.Thistimeshecouldnotescapehim.Theillusionofherpresencebecamemoreandmorecomplete.Theyseemedtopassinandoutofeachother’sminds,questioningandanswering.Theutmostfullnessofcommunionseemedtobetheirs.Thusunited,hefelthimselfraisedtoaneminence,exalted,andfilledwithapowerofachievementsuchashehadneverknowninsingleness.Oncemorehetoldoverconscientiouslyherfaults,bothoffaceandcharactertheywereclearlyknowntohimbuttheymergedthemselvesintheflawlessunionthatwasbornoftheirassociation.Theysurveyedlifetoitsuttermostlimits.Howdeepitwaswhenlookedatfromthisheight!Howsublime!Howthecommonestthingsmovedhimalmosttotears!Thus,heforgottheinevitablelimitationsheforgotherabsence,hethoughtitofnoaccountwhethershemarriedhimoranothernothingmattered,savethatsheshouldexist,andthatheshouldloveher.Somewordsofthesereflectionswereutteredaloud,andithappenedthatamongthemwerethewords,“Iloveher.”Itwasthefirsttimethathehadusedtheword“love”todescribehisfeelingmadness,romance,hallucination—hehadcalleditbythesenamesbeforebuthaving,apparentlybyaccident,stumbledupontheword“love,”herepeateditagainandagainwithasenseofrevelation. “ButI’minlovewithyou!”heexclaimed,withsomethinglikedismay.Heleantagainstthewindow-sill,lookingoverthecityasshehadlooked.Everythinghadbecomemiraculouslydifferentandcompletelydistinct.Hisfeelingswerejustifiedandneedednofurtherexplanation.Buthemustimpartthemtosomeone,becausehisdiscoverywassoimportantthatitconcernedotherpeopletoo.ShuttingthebookofGreekphotographs,andhidinghisrelics,herandownstairs,snatchedhiscoat,andpassedoutofdoors. Thelampswerebeinglit,butthestreetsweredarkenoughandemptyenoughtolethimwalkhisfastest,andtotalkaloudashewalked.Hehadnodoubtwherehewasgoing.HewasgoingtofindMaryDatchet.Thedesiretosharewhathefelt,withsomeonewhounderstoodit,wassoimperiousthathedidnotquestionit.Hewassooninherstreet.Heranupthes