CHAPTER XXI

,asifshesoughtherwaythroughtheclausesofadifficultargument,butshestilllookedmorelikeonewhoreasonsthanonewhofeels. “Thatprovesthatyou’remistaken—utterlymistaken,”saidKatharine,speakingreasonably,too.Shehadnoneedtoverifythemistakebyaglanceatherownrecollections,whenthefactwassoclearlystampeduponhermindthatifRalphhadanyfeelingtowardsheritwasoneofcriticalhostility.Shedidnotgivethematteranotherthought,andMary,nowthatshehadstatedthefact,didnotseektoproveit,buttriedtoexplaintoherself,ratherthantoKatharine,hermotivesinmakingthestatement. Shehadnervedherselftodowhatsomelargeandimperiousinstinctdemandedherdoingshehadbeensweptonthebreastofawavebeyondherreckoning. “I’vetoldyou,”shesaid,“becauseIwantyoutohelpme.Idon’twanttobejealousofyou.AndIam—I’mfearfullyjealous.Theonlyway,Ithought,wastotellyou.” Shehesitated,andgropedinherendeavortomakeherfeelingscleartoherself. “IfItellyou,thenwecantalkandwhenI’mjealous,Icantellyou.AndifI’mtemptedtodosomethingfrightfullymean,Icantellyouyoucouldmakemetellyou.Ifindtalkingsodifficultbutlonelinessfrightensme.Ishouldshutitupinmymind.Yes,that’swhatI’mafraidof.Goingaboutwithsomethinginmymindallmylifethatneverchanges.Ifinditsodifficulttochange.WhenIthinkathing’swrongIneverstopthinkingitwrong,andRalphwasquiteright,Isee,whenhesaidthatthere’snosuchthingasrightandwrongnosuchthing,Imean,asjudgingpeople—” “RalphDenhamsaidthat?”saidKatharine,withconsiderableindignation.InordertohaveproducedsuchsufferinginMary,itseemedtoherthathemusthavebehavedwithextremecallousness.Itseemedtoherthathehaddiscardedthefriendship,whenitsuitedhisconveniencetodoso,withsomefalselyphilosophicaltheorywhichmadehisconductalltheworse.Shewasgoingontoexpressherselfthus,hadnotMaryatonceinterruptedher. “No,no,”shesaid“youdon’tunderstand.Ifthere’sanyfaultit’smineentirelyafterall,ifonechoosestorunrisks—” Hervoicefalteredintosilence.Itwasborneinuponherhowcompletelyinrunningherriskshehadlostherprize,lostitsoentirelythatshehadnolongertheright,intalkingofRalph,topresumethatherknowledgeofhimsupplantedallotherknowledge.Shenolongercompletelypossessedherlove,sincehisshareinitwasdoubtfulandnow,tomakethingsyetmorebitter,herclearvisionofthewaytofacelifewasrenderedtremulousanduncertain,becauseanotherwaswitnessofit.Feelingherdesirefortheoldunsharedintimacytoogreattobebornewithouttears,sherose,walkedtothefartherendoftheroom,heldthecurtainsapart,andstoodtheremasteredforamoment.Thegriefitselfwasnotignoblethestingofitlayinthefactthatshehadbeenledtothisactoftreacheryagainstherself.Trapped,cheated,robbed,firstbyRalphandthenbyKatharine,sheseemedalldissolvedinhumiliation,andbereftofanythingshecouldcallherown.Tearsofweaknesswelledupandrolleddownhercheeks.Buttears,atleast,shecouldcontrol,andwouldthisinstant,andthen,turning,shewouldfaceKatharine,andretrievewhatcouldberetrievedofthecollapseofhercourage. Sheturned.Katharinehadnotmovedshewasleaningalittleforwardinherchairandlookingintothefire.SomethingintheattituderemindedMaryofRalph.Sohewouldsit,leaningforward,lookingratherfixedlyinfrontofhim,whilehismindwentfaraway,exploring,speculating,untilhebrokeoffwithhis,“Well,Mary?”—andthesilence,thathadbeensofullofromancetoher,gavewaytothemostdelightfultalkthatshehadeverknown. Somethingunfamiliarintheposeofthesilentfigure,somethingstill,solemn,significantaboutit,madeherholdherbreath.Shepaused.Herthoughtswerewithoutbitterness.Shewassurprisedbyherownquietandconfidence.Shecamebacksilently,andsatoncemorebyKatharine’sside.Maryhadnowishtospeak.Inthesilencesheseemedtohavelostherisolationshewasatoncethesuffererandthepitifulspectatorofsufferingshewashappierthanshehadeverbeenshewasmorebereftshewasrejected,andshewasimmenselybeloved.Attempttoexpressthesesensationswasvain,and,moreover,shecouldnothelpbelievingthat,withoutanywordsonherside,theywereshared.Thusforsometimelongertheysatsilent,sidebyside,whileMaryfingeredthefurontheskirtoftheolddress.