CHAPTER XIX

n’t,either,”sherepliedwithanger.“However,wedon’tagreeIonlywantedyoutounderstand.”Sheshiftedherposition,asifshewereabouttogo.AninstinctivedesiretopreventherfromleavingtheroommadeRalphriseatthispointandbeginpacingupanddownthenearlyemptykitchen,checkinghisdesire,eachtimehereachedthedoor,toopenitandstepoutintothegarden.Amoralistmighthavesaidthatatthispointhismindshouldhavebeenfullofself-reproachforthesufferinghehadcaused.Onthecontrary,hewasextremelyangry,withtheconfusedimpotentangerofonewhofindshimselfunreasonablybutefficientlyfrustrated.Hewastrappedbytheillogicalityofhumanlife.Theobstaclesinthewayofhisdesireseemedtohimpurelyartificial,andyethecouldseenowayofremovingthem.Mary’swords,thetoneofhervoiceeven,angeredhim,forshewouldnothelphim.Shewaspartoftheinsanelyjumbledmuddleofaworldwhichimpedesthesensiblelife.Hewouldhavelikedtoslamthedoororbreakthehindlegsofachair,fortheobstacleshadtakensomesuchcuriouslysubstantialshapeinhismind. “Idoubtthatonehumanbeingeverunderstandsanother,”hesaid,stoppinginhismarchandconfrontingMaryatadistanceofafewfeet. “Suchdamnedliarsasweallare,howcanwe?Butwecantry.Ifyoudon’twanttomarryme,don’tbutthepositionyoutakeupaboutlove,andnotseeingeachother—isn’tthatmeresentimentality?YouthinkI’vebehavedverybadly,”hecontinued,asshedidnotspeak.“OfcourseIbehavebadlybutyoucan’tjudgepeoplebywhattheydo.Youcan’tgothroughlifemeasuringrightandwrongwithafoot-rule.That’swhatyou’realwaysdoing,Marythat’swhatyou’redoingnow.” ShesawherselfintheSuffrageOffice,deliveringjudgment,metingoutrightandwrong,andthereseemedtohertobesomejusticeinthecharge,althoughitdidnotaffecthermainposition. “I’mnotangrywithyou,”shesaidslowly.“Iwillgoonseeingyou,asIsaidIwould.” Itwastruethatshehadpromisedthatmuchalready,anditwasdifficultforhimtosaywhatmoreitwasthathewanted—someintimacy,somehelpagainsttheghostofKatharine,perhaps,somethingthatheknewhehadnorighttoaskandyet,ashesankintohischairandlookedoncemoreatthedyingfireitseemedtohimthathehadbeendefeated,notsomuchbyMaryasbylifeitself.Hefelthimselfthrownbacktothebeginningoflifeagain,whereeverythinghasyettobewonbutinextremeyouthonehasanignoranthope.Hewasnolongercertainthathewouldtriumph.