CHAPTER XIX
關燈
小
中
大
thebetter.Ishallwantyourhelp.”
Shepromisedthis,andtheywentontotalkcalmlyofthingsthathadnoreferencetotheirfeelings—atalkwhich,initsconstraint,wasinfinitelysadtobothofthem.
Onemorereferencewasmadetothestateofthingsbetweenthemlatethatnight,whenElizabethhadgonetoherroom,andthetwoyoungmenhadstumbledofftobedinsuchastateofsleepthattheyhardlyfeltthefloorbeneaththeirfeetafteraday’sshooting.
Marydrewherchairalittlenearertothefire,forthelogswereburninglow,andatthistimeofnightitwashardlyworthwhiletoreplenishthem.Ralphwasreading,butshehadnoticedforsometimethathiseyesinsteadoffollowingtheprintwerefixedratherabovethepagewithanintensityofgloomthatcametoweighuponhermind.Shehadnotweakenedinherresolvenottogiveway,forreflectionhadonlymadehermorebitterlycertainthat,ifshegaveway,itwouldbetoherownwishandnottohis.Butshehaddeterminedthattherewasnoreasonwhyheshouldsufferifherreticencewerethecauseofhissuffering.Therefore,althoughshefounditpainful,shespoke:
“YouaskedmeifIhadchangedmymindaboutyou,Ralph,”shesaid.“Ithinkthere’sonlyonething.Whenyouaskedmetomarryyou,Idon’tthinkyoumeantit.Thatmademeangry—forthemoment.Before,you’dalwaysspokenthetruth.”
Ralph’sbooksliddownuponhiskneeandfelluponthefloor.Herestedhisforeheadonhishandandlookedintothefire.HewastryingtorecalltheexactwordsinwhichhehadmadehisproposaltoMary.
“IneversaidIlovedyou,”hesaidatlast.
Shewincedbutsherespectedhimforsayingwhathedid,forthis,afterall,wasafragmentofthetruthwhichshehadvowedtoliveby.
“Andtomemarriagewithoutlovedoesn’tseemworthwhile,”shesaid.
“Well,Mary,I’mnotgoingtopressyou,”hesaid.“Iseeyoudon’twanttomarryme.Butlove—don’twealltalkagreatdealofnonsenseaboutit?Whatdoesonemean?IbelieveIcareforyoumoregenuinelythanninemenoutoftencareforthewomenthey’reinlovewith.It’sonlyastoryonemakesupinone’smindaboutanotherperson,andoneknowsallthetimeitisn’ttrue.Ofcourseoneknowswhy,one’salwaystakingcarenottodestroytheillusion.Onetakescarenottoseethemtoooften,ortobealonewiththemfortoolongtogether.It’sapleasantillusion,butifyou’rethinkingoftherisksofmarriage,itseemstomethattheriskofmarryingapersonyou’reinlovewithissomethingcolossal.”
“Idon’tbelieveawordofthat,andwhat’smoreyoudo
