CHAPTER XIX

crumbled,andherwholepastseemedfoolish,herselfweakandcredulous,andRalphmerelytheshellofanhonestman.Oh,thepast—somuchmadeupofRalphandnow,asshesaw,madeupofsomethingstrangeandfalseandotherthanshehadthoughtit.Shetriedtorecaptureasayingshehadmadetohelpherselfthatmorning,asRalphpaidthebillforluncheonbutshecouldseehimpayingthebillmorevividlythanshecouldrememberthephrase.Somethingabouttruthwasinithowtoseethetruthisourgreatchanceinthisworld. “Ifyoudon’twanttomarryme,”Ralphnowbeganagain,withoutabruptness,withdiffidencerather,“thereisnoneedwhyweshouldceasetoseeeachother,isthere?Orwouldyouratherthatweshouldkeepapartforthepresent?” “Keepapart?Idon’tknow—Imustthinkaboutit.” “Tellmeonething,Mary,”heresumed“haveIdoneanythingtomakeyouchangeyourmindaboutme?” Shewasimmenselytemptedtogivewaytohernaturaltrustinhim,revivedbythedeepandnowmelancholytonesofhisvoice,andtotellhimofherlove,andofwhathadchangedit.Butalthoughitseemedlikelythatshewouldsooncontrolherangerwithhim,thecertaintythathedidnotloveher,confirmedbyeverywordofhisproposal,forbadeanyfreedomofspeech.Tohearhimspeakandtofeelherselfunabletoreply,orconstrainedinherreplies,wassopainfulthatshelongedforthetimewhensheshouldbealone.Amorepliantwomanwouldhavetakenthischanceofanexplanation,whateverrisksattachedtoitbuttooneofMary’sfirmandresolutetemperamenttherewasdegradationintheideaofself-abandonmentletthewavesofemotionriseeversohigh,shecouldnotshuthereyestowhatsheconceivedtobethetruth.HersilencepuzzledRalph.Hesearchedhismemoryforwordsordeedsthatmighthavemadeherthinkbadlyofhim.Inhispresentmoodinstancescamebuttooquickly,andontopofthemthisculminatingproofofhisbaseness—thathehadaskedhertomarryhimwhenhisreasonsforsuchaproposalwereselfishandhalf-hearted. “Youneedn’tanswer,”hesaidgrimly.“Therearereasonsenough,Iknow.Butmusttheykillourfriendship,Mary?Letmekeepthat,atleast.” “Oh,”shethoughttoherself,withasuddenrushofanguishwhichthreateneddisastertoherself-respect,“ithascometothis—tothis—whenIcouldhavegivenhimeverything!” “Yes,wecanstillbefriends,”shesaid,withwhatfirmnessshecouldmuster. “Ishallwantyourfriendship,”hesaid.Headded,“Ifyoufinditpossible,letmeseeyouasoftenasyoucan.Theoftener