CHAPTER V

twasn'tinEngland....Butevenasshepuzzledthevisionslippedawayfromherandwaslost. Shewantedtoread,andwalk,andthink.Shewashungrytoreadatlastwhatshechose,andwalkatlastwhereshechose,andthinkatlastexactlywhatshechose.WastheChristianYearenoughforoneinthewayofpoetry?Andallthosemildnovelshermotherread,sandwichedbetweenthebiographiesofmorebishopsandlittlebooksofcomfortwithcrossesonthemthataskedrudequestionsastowhetheryouhadbeengreedyordaintyorhadusedwordswithadoublemeaningduringtheday—weretheyenoughforasoulthathad,quitealone,withnofathergivingdirections,presentlytofaceitsGod? Herfamilyheldstronglythatfordaughterstoreadinthedaytimewastobeidle.Well,ifitwas,thoughtIngeborgliftingherhead,thatheadthatdroopedsoapologeticallyathome,withthedefiancethatdistanceencourages,thenbeingidlewasablessedthingandthesooneronegotawaytowhereonecouldbeit,uninterruptedly,thebetter.InthatparsonageawayinEastPrussia,forinstance,onewouldbeabletoreadandread....HerrDremmelhadexplainedahundredtimesabouthislaboratory,andhehimselflockedintoitandonlyaskingtobeleftlocked.Surelythatwasanadmirablequalityinahusband,thathekepthimselflockedup!Andtheparsonagewasontheedgeofthevillage,andthelittlegardenatthebackhadnothingbetweenitandthesunsetandallGod'sotherdeararrangementsexceptasolitaryandlong-unusedwindmill.... Itwasaboutoneo'clockinthemorningthathercourage,however,altogetherebbedattheprospectofgoinghome.Whatwoulditbelike,takingupherfilialitiesagain,andallofthemhenceforthsoterriblytarnished?Shewouldbeareturningprodigalforwhomnocalfwaskilled,butwhoinsteadofthesucculencesofamoreliberalagewouldbeofferedanawfulopportunityofexplainingherconducttoafatherwhowouldinterrupthertheinstantshebegananddotheexplaininghimself. Howwasshegoingtofaceit,allalone? IfonlyshecouldhavebeeninlovewithHerrDremmel!Withwhatcourageshewouldhavefacedherfamilythen,ifshehadbeeninlovewithhimandcometothemherhandinhis.Ifonlyhelookedmoreliketheloversyouseeinpictures,liketheoneinLeighton's"Wedded,"forinstance—averybeautifulpicture,Ingeborgthought,butnotlikeanyoftheweddedinRedchester—sothatifshecouldn'tbeinloveshecouldatleastpersuadeherselfshewas.Ifonlyhehadproperhairinsteadofjustbeaver.Shelikedhimsomuch.Shehadevenatparticularmomentsofhisconversationgonesofarastodelightinhim.But—marriage? Whatwasmarriage?Whydidtheynevertalkaboutitathome?IntheBishop'sPalaceitmight,forallthementioningitgot,beoneofthesevendeadlysins.Youtalkedthereofthemarried,andsometimes,butwithreserve,ofgettingmarried,butmarriageitselfandwhatitwasandmeantwasneverdiscussed.Shehadreceivedtheimpression,owingtothesesilences,thatthoughitwasGod'sordinance,asherfatherinhisofficialcapacityatweddingsreiterated,itwasareluctantordinance,establishedapparentlybecausethereseemednootherwayofgettingroundwhatappearedtobeadifficulty.