CHAPTER XXIII.

ightretainthefeelingsofthepast,asIdidandoneencouragementhappenedtobemine.Icouldneverdoubtthatyouwouldbelovedandsoughtbyothers,butIknewtoacertaintythatyouhadrefusedoneman,atleast,ofbetterpretensionsthanmyselfandIcouldnothelpoftensaying,‘Wasthisforme?’” TheirfirstmeetinginMilsomStreetaffordedmuchtobesaid,buttheconcertstillmore.Thateveningseemedtobemadeupofexquisitemoments.ThemomentofhersteppingforwardintheOctagonRoomtospeaktohim:themomentofMrElliot’sappearingandtearingheraway,andoneortwosubsequentmoments,markedbyreturninghopeorincreasingdespondency,weredweltonwithenergy. “Toseeyou,”criedhe,“inthemidstofthosewhocouldnotbemywell-wisherstoseeyourcousinclosebyyou,conversingandsmiling,andfeelallthehorribleeligibilitiesandproprietiesofthematch!Toconsideritasthecertainwishofeverybeingwhocouldhopetoinfluenceyou!Evenifyourownfeelingswerereluctantorindifferent,toconsiderwhatpowerfulsupportswouldbehis!WasitnotenoughtomakethefoolofmewhichIappeared?HowcouldIlookonwithoutagony?Wasnottheverysightofthefriendwhosatbehindyou,wasnottherecollectionofwhathadbeen,theknowledgeofherinfluence,theindelible,immoveableimpressionofwhatpersuasionhadoncedone—wasitnotallagainstme?” “Youshouldhavedistinguished,”repliedAnne.“Youshouldnothavesuspectedmenowthecaseissodifferent,andmyageissodifferent.IfIwaswronginyieldingtopersuasiononce,rememberthatitwastopersuasionexertedonthesideofsafety,notofrisk.WhenIyielded,Ithoughtitwastoduty,butnodutycouldbecalledinaidhere.Inmarryingamanindifferenttome,allriskwouldhavebeenincurred,andalldutyviolated.” “PerhapsIoughttohavereasonedthus,”hereplied,“butIcouldnot.IcouldnotderivebenefitfromthelateknowledgeIhadacquiredofyourcharacter.Icouldnotbringitintoplayitwasoverwhelmed,buried,lostinthoseearlierfeelingswhichIhadbeensmartingunderyearafteryear.Icouldthinkofyouonlyasonewhohadyielded,whohadgivenmeup,whohadbeeninfluencedbyanyoneratherthanbyme.Isawyouwiththeverypersonwhohadguidedyouinthatyearofmisery.Ihadnoreasontobelieveheroflessauthoritynow.Theforceofhabitwastobeadded.” “Ishouldhavethought,”saidAnne,“thatmymannertoyourselfmighthavesparedyoumuchorallofthis.” “No,no!yourmannermightbeonlytheeasewhichyourengagementtoanothermanwouldgive.Ileftyouinthisbeliefandyet,Iwasdeterminedtoseeyouagain.Myspiritsralliedwiththemorning,andIfeltthatIhadstillamotiveforremaininghere.” AtlastAnnewasathomeagain,andhappierthananyoneinthathousecouldhaveconceived.Allthesurpriseandsuspense,andeveryotherpainfulpartofthemorningdissipatedbythisconversation,shere-enteredthehousesohappyastobeobligedtofindanalloyinsomemomentaryapprehensionsofitsbeingimpossibletolast.Anintervalofmeditation,seriousandgrateful,wasthebestcorrectiveofeverythingdangerousinsuchhigh-wroughtfelicityandshewenttoherroom,andgrewsteadfastandfearlessinthethankfulnessofherenjoyment. Theeveningcame,thedrawing-roomswerelightedup,thecompanyassembled.Itwasbutacardparty,itwasbutamixtureofthosewhohadnevermetbefore,andthosewhomettoooftenacommonplacebusiness,toonumerousforintimacy,toosmallforvarietybutAnnehadneverfoundaneveningshorter.Glowingandlovelyinsensibilityandhappiness,andmoregenerallyadmiredthanshethoughtaboutorcaredfor,shehadcheerfulorforbearingfeelingsforeverycreaturearoundher.MrElliotwastheresheavoided,butshecouldpityhim.TheWallises,shehadamusementinunderstandingthem.LadyDalrympleandMissCarteret—theywouldsoonbeinnoxiouscousinstoher.ShecarednotforMrsClay,andhadnothingtoblushforinthepublicmannersofherfatherandsister.WiththeMusgroves,therewasthehappychatofperfecteasewithCaptainHarville,thekind-heartedintercourseofbrotherandsisterwithLadyRussell,attemptsatconversation,whichadeliciousconsciousnesscutshortwithAdmiralandMrsCroft,everythingofpeculiarcordialityandferventinterest,whichthesameconsciousnesssoughttoconcealandwithCaptainWentworth,somemomentsofcommunicationscontinuallyoccurring,andalwaysthehopeofmore,andalwaystheknowledgeofhisbeingthere. Itwasinoneoftheseshortmeetings,eachapparentlyoccupiedinadmiringafinedisplayofgreenhouseplants,thatshesaid— “Ihavebeenthinkingoverthepast,andtryingimpartiallytojudgeoftherightandwrong,ImeanwithregardtomyselfandImustbelievethatIwasright,muchasIsufferedfromit,thatIwasperfectlyrightinbeingguidedbythefriendwhomyouwilllovebetterthanyoudonow.Tome,shewasintheplaceofaparent.Donotmistakeme,however.Iamnotsayingthatshedidnoterrinheradvice.Itwas,perhaps,oneofthosecasesinwhichadviceisgoodorbadonlyastheeventdecidesandformyself,Icertainlynevershould,inanycircumstanceoftolerablesimilarity,givesuchadvice.ButImean,thatIwasrightinsubmittingtoher,andthatifIhaddoneotherwise,IshouldhavesufferedmoreincontinuingtheengagementthanIdideveningivingitup,becauseIshouldhavesufferedinmyconscience.Ihavenow,asfarassuchasentimentisallowableinhumannature,nothingtoreproachmyselfwithandifImistakenot,astrongsenseofdutyisnobadpartofawoman’sportion.” Helookedather,lookedatLadyRussell,andlookingagainather,replied,asifincooldeliberation— “Notyet.Buttherearehopesofherbeingforgivenintime.Itrusttobeingincharitywithhersoon.ButItoohavebeenthinkingoverthepast,andaquestionhassuggesteditself,whethertheremaynothavebeenonepersonmoremyenemyeventhanthatlady?Myownself.Tellmeif,whenIreturnedtoEnglandintheyeareight,withafewthousandpounds,andwaspostedintotheLaconia,ifIhadthenwrittentoyou,wouldyouhaveansweredmyletter?Wouldyou,inshort,haverenewedtheengagementthen?” “WouldI!”wasallheranswerbuttheaccentwasdecisiveenough. “GoodGod!”hecried,“youwould!ItisnotthatIdidnotthinkofit,ordesireit,aswhatcouldalonecrownallmyothersuccessbutIwasproud,tooproudtoaskagain.Ididnotunderstandyou.Ishutmyeyes,andwouldnotunderstandyou,ordoyoujustice.Thisisarecollectionwhichoughttomakemeforgiveeveryonesoonerthanmyself.Sixyearsofseparationandsufferingmighthavebeenspared.Itisasortofpain,too,whichisnewtome.IhavebeenusedtothegratificationofbelievingmyselftoearneveryblessingthatIenjoyed.Ihavevaluedmyselfonhonourabletoilsandjustrewards.Likeothergreatmenunderreverses,”headded,withasmile.“Imustendeavourtosubduemymindtomyfortune.ImustlearntobrookbeinghappierthanIdeserve.”