Chapter XXXI

dshekissedhiscurlyhair.Butatlastshetoreherselfaway,andsprangtoherfeet. “Whatfoolsweare!Let’sgotothestation,Geraldit’sgrowinglate.” “Oh,Bertha,don’tgoyet.” “Wemust.Idaren’tstay.” Hetriedtotakeherinhisarms,begginghereagerlytoremain. “Pleasedon’t,Gerald,”shesaid.“Don’taskme,youmakemetoounhappy.Don’tyouseehowhopelessitis?Whatistheuseofourlovingoneanother?You’regoingawayinaweekandweshallnevermeetagain.Andevenifyouwerestaying,I’mmarriedandI’mtwenty-sixandyou’reonlynineteen.Mydearest,weshouldonlymakeourselvesridiculous.” “ButIcan’tgoaway.WhatdoIcareifyou’reolderthanI?Andit’snothingifyou’remarried:youdon’tcareforyourhusbandandhedoesn’tcaretwostrawsforyou.” “Howdoyouknow?” “Oh,Isawit.Ifeltsosorryforyou.” “Youdearboy!”murmuredBertha,almostcrying.“I’vebeendreadfullyunhappy.It’strue,Edwardneverlovedme—andhedidn’ttreatmeverywell.Oh,Ican’tunderstandhowIevercaredforhim.” “I’mglad.” “Iwouldneverallowmyselftofallinloveagain.Isufferedtoomuch.” “ButIloveyouwithallmyheart,Berthadon’tyouseeit?Oh,thisisn’tlikewhatI’vefeltbeforeit’ssomethingquitenewanddifferent.Ican’tlivewithoutyou,Bertha.Oh,letmestay.” “It’simpossible.Comeawaynow,dearestwe’vebeenheretoolong.” “Kissmeagain.” Bertha,halfsmiling,halfintears,putherarmsroundhisneckandkissedthesoft,boyishlips. “Youaregoodtome,”hewhispered. ThentheywalkedtothestationinsilenceandeventuallyreachedChelsea.Attheflat-doorBerthaheldoutherhandandGeraldlookedatherwithasadnessthatalmostbrokeherheart,thenhejusttouchedherfingersandturnedaway. ButwhenBerthawasaloneinherroom,shethrewherselfdownandburstintotears.ForsheknewatlastthatshelovedhimGerald’skissesstillburnedonherlipsandthetouchofhishandswastremulousonherarms.Suddenlysheknewthatshehaddeceivedherselfitwasmorethanfriendshipthatheldherheartasinaviceitwasmorethanaffectionitwaseager,vehementlove. Foramomentshewasoverjoyed,butquicklyrememberedthatshewasmarried,thatshewasyearsolderthanhe—toaboynineteenawomenoftwenty-sixmustappearalmostmiddle-aged.Sheseizedaglassandlookedatherselfshetookittothelightsothatthetestmightbemoresearching,andscrutinisedherfaceforwrinklesandforcrow’sfeet,thesignsofdepartingyouth. “It’sabsurd,”shesaid.“I’mmakinganutterfoolofmyself.” Geraldonlythoughthelovedher,inaweekhewouldbeenamouredofsomegirlhemetonthesteamer.Butthinkingofhislove,Berthacouldnotdoubtthatnowatalleventsitwasrealshe