Chapter XIX

tIwouldn’t.I’venotsleptawinkatnight.Iwasafraidofdying,andifI’dbeencutoffinthemidstofmywickedness,Ishouldhavebeenlost.” Shespokeveryquickly,findingitevidentlyarelieftoexpresshertrouble. “IthoughtCharleswouldupbraidme,buthe’sneversaidaword.Oh,Iwishhehad,itwouldhavebeeneasiertobearthanhissorrowfullook.Iknowhe’sbeenworryingdreadfully,andI’msosorryforhim.IkeptonsayingI’donlydonemyduty,butinmyheartIknewIhaddonewrong.OhBertha,andthismorningIdarednottakecommunion,IthoughtGodwouldstrikemeforblasphemy.AndIwasafraidCharleswouldrefusemeinfrontofthewholecongregation....It’sthefirstSundaysinceIwasconfirmed,thatI’vemissedtakingHolyCommunion.” Sheburiedherfaceinherhands,crying.Berthaheardher,almostlistlesslyforherowntroublewasoverwhelmingandshecouldnotthinkofanyother.MissGloverraisedherface,tear-stainedandreditwaspositivelyhideous,butnotwithstanding,verypathetic. “ThenIcouldn’tbearitanylonger,”shesaid.“IthoughtifIbeggedyourpardonImightbeabletoforgivemyself.Oh,Bertha,pleaseforgetwhatIsaid,andforgiveme.AndIfanciedthatEdwardwouldbehereto-day,andthethoughtofexposingmyselfbeforehimtoowasalmostmorethanIcouldbear.ButIknewthehumiliationwouldbegoodforme.Oh,IwassothankfulwhenJanesaidhewasout....WhatcanIdotoearnyourforgiveness?” Inherheartofhearts,MissGloverdesiredsomehorriblepenancewhichwouldthoroughlymortifyherflesh. “Ihavealreadyforgottenallaboutit,”saidBertha,smilingwearily.“Ifmyforgivenessisworthanything,Iforgiveyouentirely.” MissGloverwasalittlepainedatBertha’smanifestindifference,yettookitasajustpunishment. “AndBertha,letmesaythatIloveyouandadmireyoumorethananyoneafterCharles.Ifyoureallythinkwhatyousaidtheotherday,IstillloveyouandhopeGodwillturnyourheart.CharlesandIwillprayforyounightandday,andsoonIhopetheAlmightywillsendyouanotherchildtotaketheplaceoftheoneyoulost.Believeme,Godisverygoodandmerciful,andHewillgrantyouwhatyouwish.” Berthagavealowcryofpain.“Icanneverhaveanotherchild....Dr.Ramsaytoldmeitwasimpossible.” “Oh,Bertha,Ididn’tknow.” MissGlovertookBerthaprotectinglyinherarms,crying,andkissedherlikealittlechild. ButBerthadriedhereyes. “Leavemenow,Fanny,please.I’dratherbealone.Butcomeandseemesoon,andforgivemeifI’mhorrid.I’mveryunhappyandIshallneverbehappyagain.” Afewminuteslater,Edwardreturned—cheery,jovial,red-faced,andinthebestofhumours. “Hereweareagain!”heshouted,likeaclowninaharlequinade.“YouseeI’venotbeengonelongandyouhaven’tmissedmearap.Now,we’llhavetea.” Hekissedherandputhercushionsright. “ByJove,itdoesmegoodtoseeyoudownagain.Youmustpourouttheteaforme....Now,confessweren’tyouunreasonabletomakesuchafussaboutmygoingaway?AndIcouldn’thelpit,couldI?”