CHAPTER IX

nashorttime. “IfIwereinheaven,Nelly,Ishouldbeextremelymiserable.” “Becauseyouarenotfittogothere,”Ianswered.“Allsinnerswouldbemiserableinheaven.” “Butitisnotforthat.IdreamtoncethatIwasthere.” “ItellyouIwon’thearkentoyourdreams,MissCatherine!I’llgotobed,”Iinterruptedagain. Shelaughed,andheldmedownforImadeamotiontoleavemychair. “Thisisnothing,”criedshe:“IwasonlygoingtosaythatheavendidnotseemtobemyhomeandIbrokemyheartwithweepingtocomebacktoearthandtheangelsweresoangrythattheyflungmeoutintothemiddleoftheheathonthetopofWutheringHeightswhereIwokesobbingforjoy.Thatwilldotoexplainmysecret,aswellastheother.I’venomorebusinesstomarryEdgarLintonthanIhavetobeinheavenandifthewickedmanintherehadnotbroughtHeathcliffsolow,Ishouldn’thavethoughtofit.ItwoulddegrademetomarryHeathcliffnowsoheshallneverknowhowIlovehim:andthat,notbecausehe’shandsome,Nelly,butbecausehe’smoremyselfthanIam.Whateveroursoulsaremadeof,hisandminearethesameandLinton’sisasdifferentasamoonbeamfromlightning,orfrostfromfire.” ErethisspeechendedIbecamesensibleofHeathcliff’spresence.Havingnoticedaslightmovement,Iturnedmyhead,andsawhimrisefromthebench,andstealoutnoiselessly.HehadlistenedtillheheardCatherinesayitwoulddegradehertomarryhim,andthenhestayedtohearnofurther.Mycompanion,sittingontheground,waspreventedbythebackofthesettlefromremarkinghispresenceordeparturebutIstarted,andbadeherhush! “Why?”sheasked,gazingnervouslyround. “Josephishere,”Ianswered,catchingopportunelytherollofhiscartwheelsuptheroad“andHeathcliffwillcomeinwithhim.I’mnotsurewhetherhewerenotatthedoorthismoment.” “Oh,hecouldn’toverhearmeatthedoor!”saidshe.“GivemeHareton,whileyougetthesupper,andwhenitisreadyaskmetosupwithyou.Iwanttocheatmyuncomfortableconscience,andbeconvincedthatHeathcliffhasnonotionofthesethings.Hehasnot,hashe?Hedoesnotknowwhatbeinginloveis!” “Iseenoreasonthatheshouldnotknow,aswellasyou,”Ireturned“andifyouarehischoice,he’llbethemostunfortunatecreaturethateverwasborn!AssoonasyoubecomeMrs.Linton,helosesfriend,andlove,andall!Haveyouconsideredhowyou’llbeartheseparation,andhowhe’llbeartobequitedesertedintheworld?Because,MissCatherine—” “Hequitedeserted!weseparated!”sheexclaimed,withanaccentofindignation.“Whoistoseparateus,pray?They’llmeetthefateofMilo!NotaslongasIlive,Ellen:fornomortalcreature.EveryLintononthefaceoftheearthmightmeltintonothingbeforeIcouldconsenttoforsakeHeathcliff.Oh,that’snotwhatIintend—that’snotwhatImean!Ishouldn’tbeMrs.Lintonweresuchapricedemanded!He’llbeasmuchtomeashehasbeenallhislifetime.Edgarmustshakeoffhisantipathy,andtoleratehim,atleast.Hewill,whenhelearnsmytruefeelingstowardshim.Nelly,IseenowyouthinkmeaselfishwretchbutdiditneverstrikeyouthatifHeathcliffandImarried,weshouldbebeggars?whereas,ifImarryLintonIcanaidHeathclifftorise,andplacehimoutofmybrother’spower.” “Withyourhusband’smoney,MissCatherine?”Iasked.“You’llfindhimnotsopliableasyoucalculateupon:and,thoughI’mhardlyajudge,Ithinkthat’stheworstmotiveyou’vegivenyetforbeingthewifeofyoungLinton.” “Itisnot,”retortedshe“itisthebest!Theotherswerethesatisfactionofmywhims:andforEdgar’ssake,too,tosatisfyhim.ThisisforthesakeofonewhocomprehendsinhispersonmyfeelingstoEdgarandmyself.Icannotexpressitbutsurelyyouandeverybodyhaveanotionthatthereisorshouldbeanexistenceofyoursbeyondyou.Whatweretheuseofmycreation,ifIwereentirelycontainedhere?MygreatmiseriesinthisworldhavebeenHeathcliff’smiseries,andIwatchedandfelteachfromthebeginning:mygreatthoughtinlivingishimself.Ifallelseperished,andheremained,Ishouldstillcontinuetobeandifallelseremained,andhewereannihilated,theuniversewouldturntoamightystranger:Ishouldnotseemapartofit.MyloveforLintonislikethefoliageinthewoods:timewillchangeit,I’mwellaware,aswinterchangesthetrees.MyloveforHeathcliffresemblestheeternalrocksbeneath:asourceoflittlevisibledelight,butnecessary.Nelly,IamHeathcliff!He’salways,alwaysinmymind:notasapleasure,anymorethanIamalwaysapleasuretomyself,butasmyownbeing.Sodon’ttalkofourseparationagain:itisimpracticableand—” Shepaused,andhidherfaceinthefoldsofmygownbutIjerkeditforciblyaway.Iwasoutofpatiencewithherfolly! “IfIcanmakeanysenseofyournonsense,Miss,”Isaid,“itonlygoestoconvincemethatyouareignorantofthedutiesyouundertakeinmarryingorelsethatyouareawicked,unprincipledgirl.Buttroublemewithnomoresecrets:I’llnotpromisetokeepthem.” “You’llkeepthat?”sheasked,eagerly. “No,I’llnotpromise,”Irepeated. Shewasabouttoinsist,whentheentranceofJosephfinishedourconversationandCatherineremovedherseattoacorner,andnursedHareton,whileImadethesupper.Afteritwascooked,myfellow-servantandIbegantoquarrelwhoshouldcarrysometoMr.Hindleyandwedidn’tsettleittillallwasnearlycold.Thenwecametotheagreementthatwewouldlethimask,ifhewantedanyforwefearedparticularlytogointohispresencewhenhehadbeensometimealone. “Andhowisn’tthatnowtcomedinfro’th’field,bethistime?Whatisheabout?girtidleseeght!”demandedtheoldman,lookingroundforHeathcliff. “I’llcallhim,”Ireplied.“He’sinthebarn,I’venodoubt.” Iwentandcalled,butgotnoanswer.Onreturning,IwhisperedtoCatherinethathehadheardagoodpartofwhatshesaid,IwassureandtoldhowIsawhimquitthekitchenjustasshecomplainedofherbrother’sconductregardinghim.Shejumpedupinafinefright,flungHaretonontothesettle,andrantoseekforherfriendherselfnottakingleisuretoconsiderwhyshewassoflurried,orhowhertalkwouldhaveaffectedhim.ShewasabsentsuchawhilethatJosephproposedweshouldwaitnolonger.Hecunninglyconjecturedtheywerestayingawayinordertoavoidhearinghisprotractedblessing.Theywere“illeneughforonyfahlmanners,”heaffirmed.Andontheirbeh