CHAPTER XXXII

y,somultiplied,sorisingindreadfulgradation!Self-willed,obstinate,selfish,andungrateful.Hethoughtherallthis.Shehaddeceivedhisexpectationsshehadlosthisgoodopinion.Whatwastobecomeofher? “Iamverysorry,”saidsheinarticulately,throughhertears,“Iamverysorryindeed.” “Sorry!yes,Ihopeyouaresorryandyouwillprobablyhavereasontobelongsorryforthisday’stransactions.” “Ifitwerepossibleformetodootherwise”saidshe,withanotherstrongeffort“butIamsoperfectlyconvincedthatIcouldnevermakehimhappy,andthatIshouldbemiserablemyself.” Anotherburstoftearsbutinspiteofthatburst,andinspiteofthatgreatblackwordmiserable,whichservedtointroduceit,SirThomasbegantothinkalittlerelenting,alittlechangeofinclination,mighthavesomethingtodowithitandtoaugurfavourablyfromthepersonalentreatyoftheyoungmanhimself.Heknewhertobeverytimid,andexceedinglynervousandthoughtitnotimprobablethathermindmightbeinsuchastateasalittletime,alittlepressing,alittlepatience,andalittleimpatience,ajudiciousmixtureofallonthelover’sside,mightworktheirusualeffecton.Ifthegentlemanwouldbutpersevere,ifhehadbutloveenoughtopersevere,SirThomasbegantohavehopesandthesereflectionshavingpassedacrosshismindandcheeredit,“Well,”saidhe,inatoneofbecominggravity,butoflessanger,“well,child,dryupyourtears.Thereisnouseinthesetearstheycandonogood.Youmustnowcomedownstairswithme.Mr.Crawfordhasbeenkeptwaitingtoolongalready.Youmustgivehimyourownanswer:wecannotexpecthimtobesatisfiedwithlessandyouonlycanexplaintohimthegroundsofthatmisconceptionofyoursentiments,which,unfortunatelyforhimself,hecertainlyhasimbibed.Iamtotallyunequaltoit.” ButFannyshewedsuchreluctance,suchmisery,attheideaofgoingdowntohim,thatSirThomas,afteralittleconsideration,judgeditbettertoindulgeher.Hishopesfrombothgentlemanandladysufferedasmalldepressioninconsequencebutwhenhelookedathisniece,andsawthestateoffeatureandcomplexionwhichhercryinghadbroughtherinto,hethoughttheremightbeasmuchlostasgainedbyanimmediateinterview.Withafewwords,therefore,ofnoparticularmeaning,hewalkedoffbyhimself,leavinghispoorniecetositandcryoverwhathadpassed,withverywretchedfeelings. Hermindwasalldisorder.Thepast,present,future,everythingwasterrible.Butheruncle’sangergavehertheseverestpainofall.Selfishandungrateful!tohaveappearedsotohim!Shewasmiserableforever.Shehadnoonetotakeherpart,tocounsel,orspeakforher.Heronlyfriendwasabsent.Hemighthavesoftenedhisfatherbutall,perhapsall,wouldthinkherselfishandungrateful.Shemighthavetoendurethereproachagainandagainshemighthearit,orseeit,orknowittoexistforeverineveryconnexionabouther.ShecouldnotbutfeelsomeresentmentagainstMr.Crawfordyet,ifhereallylovedher,andwereunhappytoo!Itwasallwretchednesstogether. Inaboutaquarterofanhourherunclereturnedshewasalmostreadytofaintatthesightofhim.Hespokecalmly,however,withoutausterity,withoutreproach,andsherevivedalittle.Therewascomfort,too,inhiswords,aswellashismanner,forhebeganwith,“Mr.Crawfordisgone:hehasjustleftme.Ineednotrepeatwhathaspassed.Idonotwanttoaddtoanythingyoumaynowbefeeling,byanaccountofwhathehasfelt.Sufficeit,thathehasbehavedinthemostgentlemanlikeandgenerousmanner,andhasconfirmedmeinamostfavourableopinionofhisunderstanding,heart,andtemper.Uponmyrepresentationofwhatyouweresuffering,heimmediately,andwiththegreatestdelicacy,ceasedtourgetoseeyouforthepresent.” HereFanny,whohadlookedup,lookeddownagain.“Ofcourse,”continuedheruncle,“itcannotbesupposedbutthatheshouldrequesttospeakwithyoualone,beitonlyforfiveminutesarequesttoonatural,aclaimtoojusttobedenied.Butthereisnotimefixedperhapsto-morrow,orwheneveryourspiritsarecomposedenough.Forthepresentyouhaveonlytotranquilliseyourself.Checkthesetearstheydobutexhaustyou.If,asIamwillingtosuppose,youwishtoshewmeanyobservance,youwillnotgivewaytotheseemotions,butendeavourtoreasonyourselfintoastrongerframeofmind.Iadviseyoutogoout:theairwilldoyougoodgooutforanhouronthegravelyouwillhavetheshrubberytoyourself,andwillbethebetterforairandexercise.And,Fanny”(turningbackagainforamoment),“IshallmakenomentionbelowofwhathaspassedIshallnoteventellyourauntBertram.Thereisnooccasionforspreadingthedisappointmentsaynothingaboutityourself.” ThiswasanordertobemostjoyfullyobeyedthiswasanactofkindnesswhichFannyfeltatherheart.TobesparedfromherauntNorris’sinterminablereproaches!heleftherinaglowofgratitude.Anythingmightbebearableratherthansuchreproaches.EventoseeMr.Crawfordwouldbelessoverpowering. Shewalkedoutdirectly,asherunclerecommended,andfollowedhisadvicethroughout,asfarasshecoulddidcheckhertearsdidearnestlytrytocomposeherspiritsandstrengthenhermind.Shewishedtoprovetohimthatshediddesirehiscomfort,andsoughttoregainhisfavourandhehadgivenheranotherstrongmotiveforexertion,inkeepingthewholeaffairfromtheknowledgeofheraunts.Nottoexcitesuspicion