Chapter 5. BOFFIN’S BOWER

lkupeachofthemounds,thatgivesyoutheyardandneighbourhoodchangingeverymoment.Whenyougettothetop,there’saviewoftheneighbouringpremises,nottobesurpassed.ThepremisesofMrsBoffin’slatefather(CanineProvisionTrade),youlookdowninto,asiftheywasyourown.AndthetopoftheHighMoundiscrownedwithalattice-workArbour,inwhich,ifyoudon’treadoutloudmanyabookinthesummer,ay,andasafriend,dropmanyatimeintopoetrytoo,itshan’tbemyfault.Now,what’llyoureadon?’ ‘Thankyou,sir,’returnedWegg,asiftherewerenothingnewinhisreadingatall.‘Igenerallydoitonginandwater.’ ‘Keepstheorganmoist,doesit,Wegg?’askedMrBoffin,withinnocenteagerness. ‘N-no,sir,’repliedWegg,coolly,‘Ishouldhardlydescribeitso,sir.Ishouldsay,mellersit.Mellersit,isthewordIshouldemploy,MrBoffin.’ Hiswoodenconceitandcraftkeptexactpacewiththedelightedexpectationofhisvictim.Thevisionsrisingbeforehismercenarymind,ofthemanywaysinwhichthisconnexionwastobeturnedtoaccount,neverobscuredtheforemostideanaturaltoadulloverreachingman,thathemustnotmakehimselftoocheap. MrsBoffin’sFashion,asalessinexorabledeitythantheidolusuallyworshippedunderthatname,didnotforbidhermixingforherliteraryguest,oraskingifhefoundtheresulttohisliking.Onhisreturningagraciousanswerandtakinghisplaceattheliterarysettle,MrBoffinbegantocomposehimselfasalistener,attheoppositesettle,withexultanteyes. ‘Sorrytodepriveyouofapipe,Wegg,’hesaid,fillinghisown,‘butyoucan’tdobothtogether.Oh!andanotherthingIforgottoname!Whenyoucomeinhereofanevening,andlookroundyou,andnoticeanythingonashelfthathappenstocatchyourfancy,mentionit.’ Wegg,whohadbeengoingtoputonhisspectacles,immediatelylaidthemdown,withthesprightlyobservation: ‘Youreadmythoughts,sir.Domyeyesdeceiveme,oristhatobjectuptherea—apie?Itcan’tbeapie.’ ‘Yes,it’sapie,Wegg,’repliedMrBoffin,withaglanceofsomelittlediscomfitureattheDeclineandFall. ‘HaveIlostmysmellforfruits,orisitaapplepie,sir?’askedWegg. ‘It’savealandhampie,’saidMrBoffin. ‘Isitindeed,sir?Anditwouldbehard,sir,tonamethepiethatisabetterpiethanawealandhammer,’saidMrWegg,noddinghisheademotionally. ‘Havesome,Wegg?’ ‘Thankyou,MrBoffin,IthinkIwill,atyourinvitation.Iwouldn’tatanyotherparty’s,atthepresentjuncturebutatyours,sir!—Andmeatyjellytoo,especiallywhenalittlesalt,whichisthecasewherethere’sham,ismelleringtotheorgan,isverymelleringtotheorgan.’MrWeggdidnotsaywhatorgan,butspokewithacheerfulgenerality. So,thepiewasbroughtdown,andtheworthyMrBoffinexercisedhispatienceuntilWegg,intheexerciseofhisknifeandfork,hadfinishedthedish:onlyprofitingbytheopportunitytoinformWeggthatalthoughitwasnotstrictlyFashionabletokeepthecontentsofalarderthusexposedtoview,he(MrBoffin)consideredithospitableforthereason,thatinsteadofsaying,inacomparativelyunmeaningmanner,toavisitor,‘Therearesuchandsuchediblesdownstairswillyouhaveanythingup?’youtooktheboldpracticalcourseofsaying,‘Castyoureyealongtheshelves,and,ifyouseeanythingyoulikethere,haveitdown.’ Andnow,MrWeggatlengthpushedawayhisplateandputonhisspectacles,andMrBoffinlightedhispipeandlookedwithbeamingeyesintotheopeningworldbeforehim,andMrsBoffinreclinedinafashionablemanneronhersofa:asonewhowouldbepartoftheaudienceifshefoundshecould,andwouldgotosleepifshefoundshecouldn’t. ‘Hem!’beganWegg,‘This,MrBoffinandLady,isthefirstchapterofthefirstwollumeoftheDeclineandFalloff—’herehelookedhardatthebook,andstopped. ‘What’sthematter,Wegg?’ ‘Why,itcomesintomymind,doyouknow,sir,’saidWeggwithanairofinsinuatingfrankness(havingfirstagainlookedhardatthebook),‘thatyoumadealittlemistakethismorning,whichIhadmeanttosetyourightin,onlysomethingputitoutofmyhead.IthinkyousaidRooshanEmpire,sir?’ ‘ItisRooshanain’tit,Wegg?’ ‘No,sir.Roman.Roman.’ ‘What’sthedifference,Wegg?’ ‘Thedifference,sir?’MrWeggwasfalteringandindangerofbreakingdown,whenabrightthoughtflasheduponhim.‘Thedifference,sir?Thereyouplacemeinadifficulty,MrBoffin.Sufficeittoobserve,thatthedifferenceisbestpostponedtosomeotheroccasionwhenMrsBoffindoesnothonouruswithhercompany.InMrsBoffin’spresence,sir,wehadbetterdropit.’ MrWeggthuscameoutofhisdisadvantagewithquiteachivalrousair,andnotonlythat,butbydintofrepeatingwithamanlydelicacy,‘InMrsBoffin’spresence,sir,wehadbetterdropit!’turnedthedisadvantageonBoffin,whofeltthathehadcommittedhimselfinaverypainfulmanner. Then,MrWegg,inadryunflinchingway,enteredonhistaskgoingstraightacrosscountryateverythingthatcamebeforehimtakingallthehardwords,biographicalandgeographicalgettingrathershakenbyHadrian,Trajan,andtheAntoninesstumblingatPolybius(pronouncedPollyBeeious,andsupposedbyMrBoffintobeaRomanvirgin,andbyMrsBoffintoberesponsibleforthatnecessityofdroppingit)heavilyunseatedbyTitusAntoninusPiusupagainandgallopingsmoothlywithAugustusfinally,gettingoverthegroundwellwithCommodus:who,undertheappellationofCommodious,washeldbyMrBoffintohavebeenquiteunworthyofhisEnglishorigin,and‘nottohaveacteduptohisname’inhisgovernmentoftheRomanpeople.Withthedeathofthispersonage,MrWeggterminatedhisfirstreadinglongbeforewhichconsummationseveraltotaleclipsesofMrsBoffin’scandlebehindherblackvelvetdisc,wouldhavebeenveryalarming,butforbeingregularlyaccompaniedbyapotentsmellofburntpenswhenherfeatherstookfire,whichactedasarestorativeandwokeher.MrWegg,havingreadonbyroteandattachedasfewideasaspossibletothetext,cameoutoftheencounterfreshbut,MrBoffin,whohadsoonlaiddownhisunfinishedpipe,andhadeversincesatintentlystaringwithhiseyesandmindattheconfoundingenormitiesoftheRomans,wassoseverelypunishedthathecouldhardlywishhisliteraryfriendGood-night,andarticulate‘Tomorrow.’ ‘Commodious,’gaspedMrBoffin,staringatthemoon,afterlettingWeggoutatthegateandfasteningit:‘Commodiousfightsinthatwild-beast-show,sevenhundredandthirty-fivetimes,inonecharacteronly!Asifthatwasn’tstunningenough,ahundredlionsisturnedintothesamewild-beast-showallatonce!Asifthatwasn’tstunningenough,Commodious,inanothercharacter,kills‘emalloffinahundredgoes!Asifthatwasn’tstunningenough,Vittle-us(andwellnamedtoo)eatssixmillions’worth,Englishmoney,insevenmonths!Weggtakesiteasy,butupon-my-soultoaoldbirdlikemyselfthesearescarers.AndevennowthatCommodiousisstrangled,Idon’tseeawaytoourbetteringourselves.’MrBoffinaddedasheturnedhispensivestepstowardstheBowerandshookhishead,‘Ididn’tthinkthismorningtherewashalfsomanyScarersinPrint.ButI’minforitnow!’