CHAPTER XXVIII. PH?BE.

r.MoorenoramIsoregardlessofsympathy.ButwhenIhaveanygrief,IfeartoimpartittothoseIlove,lestitshouldpainthemandtothosewhomIviewwithindifferenceIcannotcondescendtocomplain.Afterall,youshouldnottauntmewithbeingchildish,forifyouwereasunhappyasIhavebeenforthelastthreeweeks,youtoowouldwantsomefriend." "Weallwantafriend,dowenot?" "Allofusthathaveanythinggoodinournatures." "Well,youhaveCarolineHelstone." "Yes.AndyouhaveMr.Hall." "Yes.Mrs.Pryorisawise,goodwoman.Shecancounselyouwhenyouneedcounsel." "Foryourpart,youhaveyourbrotherRobert." "Foranyright-handdefections,thereistheRev.MatthewsonHelstone,M.A.,toleanuponforanyleft-handfallings-offthereisHiramYorke,Esq.Bothelderspayyouhomage." "IneversawMrs.Yorkesomotherlytoanyyoungmanassheistoyou.Idon'tknowhowyouhavewonherheart,butsheismoretendertoyouthansheistoherownsons.Youhave,besides,yoursisterHortense." "Itappearswearebothwellprovided." "Itappearsso." "Howthankfulweoughttobe!" "Yes." "Howcontented!" "Yes." "Formypart,Iamalmostcontentedjustnow,andverythankful.Gratitudeisadivineemotion.Itfillstheheart,butnottoburstingitwarmsit,butnottofever.Iliketotasteleisurelyofbliss.Devouredinhaste,Idonotknowitsflavour." StillleaningonthebackofMissKeeldar'schair,Moorewatchedtherapidmotionofherfingers,asthegreenandpurplegarlandgrewbeneaththem.Afteraprolongedpause,heagainasked,"Istheshadowquitegone?" "Wholly.AsIwastwohourssince,andasIamnow,aretwodifferentstatesofexistence.Ibelieve,Mr.Moore,griefsandfearsnursedinsilencegrowlikeTitaninfants." "Youwillcherishsuchfeelingsnomoreinsilence?" "NotifIdarespeak." "Inusingtheword'dare,'towhomdoyouallude?" "Toyou." "Howisitapplicabletome?" "Onaccountofyourausterityandshyness." "WhyamIaustereandshy?" "Becauseyouareproud." "WhyamIproud?" "Ishouldliketoknow.Willyoubegoodenoughtotellme?" "Perhaps,becauseIampoor,foronereason.Povertyandprideoftengotogether." "Thatissuchanicereason.Ishouldbecharmedtodiscoveranotherthatwouldpairwithit.Matethatturtle,Mr.Moore." "Immediately.WhatdoyouthinkofmarryingtosoberPovertymany-tintedCaprice?" "Areyoucapricious?" "Youare." "Alibel.Iamsteadyasarock,fixedasthepolarstar." "Ilookoutatsomeearlyhouroftheday,andseeafine,perfectrainbow,brightwithpromise,gloriouslyspanningthebecloudedwelkinoflife.AnhourafterwardsIlookagain:halfthearchisgone,andtherestisfaded.Stilllater,thesternskydeniesthatiteverworesobenignasymbolofhope." "Well,Mr.Moore,youshouldcontendagainstthesechangefulhumours.Theyareyourbesettingsin.Oneneverknowswheretohaveyou." "MissKeeldar,Ihadonce,fortwoyears,apupilwhogrewverydeartome.Henryisdear,butshewasdearer.Henrynevergivesmetroubleshe—well,shedid.Ithinkshevexedmetwenty-threehoursoutofthetwenty-four——" "Shewasneverwithyouabovethreehours,oratthemostsixatatime." "Shesometimesspilledthedraughtfrommycup,andstolethefoodfrommyplateandwhenshehadkeptmeunfedforaday(andthatdidnotsuitme,forIamamanaccustomedtotakemymealswithreasonablerelish,andtoascribedueimportancetotherationalenjoymentofcreaturecomforts)——" "Iknowyoudo.Icantellwhatsortofdinnersyoulikebest—perfectlywell.Iknowpreciselythedishesyouprefer——" "Sherobbedthesedishesofflavour,andmadeafoolofmebesides.Iliketosleepwell.Inmyquietdays,whenIwasmyownman,Ineverquarrelledwiththenightforbeinglong,norcursedmybedforitsthorns.Shechangedallthis." "Mr.Moore——" "Andhavingtakenfrommepeaceofmindandeaseoflife,shetookfrommeherself—quitecoolly,justasif,whenshewasgone,theworldwouldbeallthesametome.IknewIshouldseeheragainatsometime.Attheendoftwoyears,itfelloutthatweencounteredagainunderherownroof,whereshewasmistress.Howdoyouthinksheboreherselftowardsme,MissKeeldar?" "Likeonewhohadprofitedwellbylessonslearnedfromyourself." "Shereceivedmehaughtily.Shemetedoutawidespacebetweenus,andkeptmealoofbythereservedgesture,therareandalienatedglance,thewordcalmlycivil." "Shewasanexcellentpupil!Havingseenyoudistant,sheatoncelearnedtowithdraw.Pray,sir,admireinherhauteuracarefulimprovementonyourowncoolness." "Conscience,andhonour,andthemostdespoticnecessitydraggedmeapartfromher,andkeptmesunderedwithponderousfetters.Shewasfree:shemighthavebeenclement." "Neverfreetocompromiseherself-respect,toseekwhereshehadbeenshunned." "Thenshewasinconsistentshetantalizedasbefore.WhenIthoughtIhadmadeupmymindtoseeinginheronlyaloftystranger,shewouldsuddenlyshowmesuchaglimpseoflovingsimplicity—shewouldwarmmewithsuchabeamofrevivingsympathy,shewouldgladdenanhourwithconversesogentle,gay,andkindly—thatIcouldnomoreshutmyheartonherimagethanIcouldclosethatdooragainstherpresence.Explainwhyshedistressedmeso." "Shecouldnotbeartobequiteoutcastandthenshewouldsometimesgetanotionintoherhead,onacold,wetday,thattheschoolroomwasnocheerfulplace,andfeelitincumbentonhertogoandseeifyouandHenrykeptupagoodfireandoncethere,shelikedtostay." "Butsheshouldnotbechangeful.Ifshecameatall,sheshouldcomeoftener." "Thereissuchathingasintrusion." "To-morrowyouwillnotbeasyouareto-day." "Idon'tknow.Willyou?" "Iamnotmad,mostnobleBerenice!Wemaygiveonedaytodreaming,butthenextwemustawakeandIshallawaketopurposethemorningyouaremarriedtoSirPhilipNunnely.Thefireshinesonyouandme,andshowsusveryclearlyintheglass,MissKeeldarandIhavebeengazingonthepictureallthetimeIhavebeentalking.Lookup!Whatadifferencebetweenyourheadandmine!Ilookoldforthirty!" "Youaresograveyouhavesuchasquarebrowandyourfaceissallow.Ineverregardyouasayoungman,norasRobert'sjunior." "Don'tyou?Ithoughtnot.ImagineRobert'sclear-cut,handsomefacelookingovermyshoulder.Doesnottheapparitionmakevividlymanifesttheobtusemouldofmyheavytraits?There!"(hestarted),"Ihavebeenexpectingthatwiretovibratethislasthalf-hour." Thedinner-bellrang,andShirleyrose. "Mr.Moore,"shesaid,asshegathereduphersilks,"haveyouheardfromyourbrotherlately?Doyouknowwhathemeansbystayingintownsolong?Doeshetalkofreturning?" "HetalksofreturningbutwhathascausedhislongabsenceIcannottell.Tospeakthetruth,IthoughtnoneinYorkshireknewbetterthanyourselfwhyhewasreluctanttocomehome." AcrimsonshadowpassedacrossMissKeeldar'scheek. "Writetohimandurgehimtocome,"shesaid."Iknowtherehasbeennoimpolicyinprotractinghisabsencethusfar.Itisgoodtoletthemillstand,whiletradeissobadbuthemustnotabandonthecounty." "Iamaware,"saidLouis,"thathehadaninterviewwithyoutheeveningbeforeheleft,andIsawhimquitFieldheadafterwards.Ireadhiscountenance,ortriedtoreadit.Heturnedfromme.Idivinedthathewouldbelongaway.Somefine,slightfingershaveawondrousknackatpulverizingaman'sbrittlepride.IsupposeRobertputtoomuchtrustinhismanlybeautyandnativegentlemanhood.Thosearebetteroffwho,beingdestituteofadvantage,cannotcherishdelusion.ButIwillwrite,andsayyouadvisehisreturn." "DonotsayIadvisehisreturn,butthathisreturnisadvisable." Thesecondbellrang,andMissKeeldarobeyeditscall.