CHAPTER XXI. MRS. PRYOR.

dnotalter,andIhavenowishthatheshouldalter,asfarasIamconcerned.Ibelieveitwouldmerelyannoyandfrightenmewerehetobeaffectionatetowardsmenow.Butyouknow,Mrs.Pryor,itisscarcelylivingtomeasuretimeasIdoattherectory.Thehourspass,andIgetthemoversomehow,butIdonotlive.Iendureexistence,butIrarelyenjoyit.SinceMissKeeldarandyoucameIhavebeen—Iwasgoingtosayhappier,butthatwouldbeuntrue."Shepaused. "Howuntrue?YouarefondofMissKeeldar,areyounot,mydear?" "VeryfondofShirley.Ibothlikeandadmireher.ButIampainfullycircumstanced.ForareasonIcannotexplainIwanttogoawayfromthisplace,andtoforgetit." "Youtoldmebeforeyouwishedtobeagovernessbut,mydear,ifyouremember,Ididnotencouragetheidea.Ihavebeenagovernessmyselfgreatpartofmylife.InMissKeeldar'sacquaintanceIesteemmyselfmostfortunate.HertalentsandherreallysweetdispositionhaverenderedmyofficeeasytomebutwhenIwasyoung,beforeImarried,mytrialsweresevere,poignant.Ishouldnotlikea——Ishouldnotlikeyoutoenduresimilarones.Itwasmylottoenterafamilyofconsiderablepretensionstogoodbirthandmentalsuperiority,andthemembersofwhichalsobelievedthat'onthemwasperceptible'anunusualendowmentofthe'Christiangraces'thatalltheirheartswereregenerate,andtheirspiritsinapeculiarstateofdiscipline.Iwasearlygiventounderstandthat'asIwasnottheirequal,'soIcouldnotexpect'tohavetheirsympathy.'ItwasinnosortconcealedfrommethatIwashelda'burdenandarestraintinsociety.'Thegentlemen,Ifound,regardedmeasa'tabooedwoman,'towhom'theywereinterdictedfromgrantingtheusualprivilegesofthesex,'andyet'whoannoyedthembyfrequentlycrossingtheirpath.'Theladiestoomadeitplainthattheythoughtme'abore.'Theservants,itwassignified,'detestedme'why,Icouldneverclearlycomprehend.Mypupils,Iwastold,'howevermuchtheymightloveme,andhowdeepsoevertheinterestImighttakeinthem,couldnotbemyfriends.'ItwasintimatedthatImust'livealone,andnevertransgresstheinvisiblebutrigidlinewhichestablishedthedifferencebetweenmeandmyemployers.'Mylifeinthishousewassedentary,solitary,constrained,joyless,toilsome.Thedreadfulcrushingoftheanimalspirits,theever-prevailingsenseoffriendlessnessandhomelessnessconsequentonthisstateofthingsbeganerelongtoproducemortaleffectsonmyconstitution.Isickened.TheladyofthehousetoldmecoollyIwasthevictimof'woundedvanity.'ShehintedthatifIdidnotmakeanefforttoquellmy'ungodlydiscontent,'tocease'murmuringagainstGod'sappointment,'andtocultivatetheprofoundhumilitybefittingmystation,mymindwouldverylikely'gotopieces'ontherockthatwreckedmostofmysisterhood—morbidself-esteem—andthatIshoulddieaninmateofalunaticasylum. "IsaidnothingtoMrs.Hardman—itwouldhavebeenuselessbuttohereldestdaughterIonedaydroppedafewobservations,whichwereansweredthus.Therewerehardships,sheallowed,inthepositionofagoverness.'Doubtlesstheyhadtheirtrialsbut,'sheaverred,withamanneritmakesmesmilenowtorecall—'butitmustbeso.She'(MissH.)'hadneitherview,hope,norwishtoseethesethingsremediedforintheinherentconstitutionofEnglishhabits,feelings,andprejudicestherewasnopossibilitythattheyshouldbe.Governesses,'sheobserved,'musteverbekeptinasortofisolation.ItistheonlymeansofmaintainingthatdistancewhichthereserveofEnglishmannersandthedecorumofEnglishfamiliesexact.' "IrememberIsighedasMissHardmanquittedmybedside.Shecaughtthesound,andturning,saidseverely,'Ifear,MissGrey,youhaveinheritedinfullestmeasuretheworstsinofourfallennature—thesinofpride.Youareproud,andthereforeyouareungratefultoo.Mammapaysyouahandsomesalary,andifyouhadaveragesenseyouwouldthankfullyputupwithmuchthatisfatiguingtodoandirksometobear,sinceitissowellmadeworthyourwhile.' "MissHardman,mylove,wasaverystrong-mindedyounglady,ofmostdistinguishedtalents.Thearistocracyaredecidedlyaverysuperiorclass,youknow,bothphysically,andmorally,andmentallyasahighToryIacknowledgethat.Icouldnotdescribethedignityofhervoiceandmienassheaddressedmethusstill,Ifearshewasselfish,mydear.Iwouldneverwishtospeakillofmysuperiorsinrank,butIthinkshewasalittleselfish." "Iremember,"continuedMrs.Pryor,afterapause,"anotherofMissH.'sobservations,whichshewouldutterwithquiteagrandair.'We,'shewouldsay—'weneedtheimprudences,extravagances,mistakes,andcrimesofacertainnumberoffatherstosowtheseedfromwhichwereaptheharvestofgovernesses.Thedaughtersoftrades-people,howeverwelleducated,mustnecessarilybeunderbred,andassuchunfittobeinmatesofourdwellings,orguardiansofourchildren'smindsandpersons.WeshalleverprefertoplacethoseaboutOURoffspringwhohavebeenbornandbredwithsomewhatofthesamerefinementasourselves.'" "MissHardmanmusthavethoughtherselfsomethingbetterthanherfellow-creatures,ma'am,sincesheheldthattheircalamities,andevencrimes,werenecessarytoministertoherconvenience.Yousayshewasreligious.HerreligionmusthavebeenthatofthePhariseewhothankedGodthathewasnotasothermenare,norevenasthatpublican." "Mydear,wewillnotdiscussthepoint.Ishouldbethelastpersontowishtoinstilintoyourmindanyfeelingofdissatisfactionwithyourlotinlife,oranysentimentofenvyorinsubordinationtowardsyoursuperiors.Implicitsubmissiontoauthorities,scrupulousdeferencetoourbetters(underwhichtermI,ofcourse,includethehigherclassesofsociety),are,inmyopinion,indispensabletothewell-beingofeverycommunity.AllImeantosay,mydear,isthatyouhadbetternotattempttobeagoverness,asthedutiesofthepositionwouldbetoosevereforyourconstitution.NotonewordofdisrespectwouldIbreathetowardseitherMrs.orMissHardmanonly,recallingmyownexperience,Icannotbutfeelthat,wereyoutofallunderauspicessuchastheirs,youwouldcontendawhilecourageouslywithyourdoom,thenyouwouldpineandgrowtooweakforyourworkyouwouldcomehome—ifyoustillhadahome—brokendown.Thoselanguishingyearswouldfollowofwhichnonebuttheinvalidandherimmediatefriendsfeeltheheart-sicknessandknowtheburden.Consumptionordeclinewouldclosethechapter.Suchisthehistoryofmanyalife.Iwouldnothaveityours.Mydear,wewillnowwalkaboutalittle,ifyouplease." Theybothrose,andslowlypacedagreennaturalterraceborderingthechasm. "Mydear,"erelongagainbeganMrs.Pryor,asortoftimid,embarrassedabruptnessmarkinghermannerasshespoke,"theyoung,especiallythosetowhomnaturehasbeenfavourable,often—frequently—anticipate—lookforwardto—tomarriageastheend,thegoaloftheirhopes." Andshestopped.Carolinecametoherreliefwithpromptitude,showingagreatdealmoreself-possessionandcouragethanherselfontheformidabletopicnowbroached. "Theydo,andnaturally,"shereplied,withacalmemph