CHAPTER VII. THE CURATES AT TEA.

udoftheircountenance.Idon'tsaytheyarenotasgoodasIam—farfromit—buttheyaredifferentfromme." Shewentin. Yorkshirepeopleinthosedaystooktheirtearoundthetable,sittingwellintoit,withtheirkneesdulyintroducedunderthemahogany.Itwasessentialtohaveamultitudeofplatesofbreadandbutter,variedinsortsandplentifulinquantity.Itwasthoughtproper,too,thatonthecentreplateshouldstandaglassdishofmarmalade.Amongtheviandswasexpectedtobefoundasmallassortmentofcheesecakesandtarts.Iftherewasalsoaplateofthinslicesofpinkhamgarnishedwithgreenparsley,somuchthebetter. Eliza,therector'scook,fortunatelyknewherbusinessasprovider.Shehadbeenputoutofhumouralittleatfirst,whentheinvaderscamesounexpectedlyinsuchstrengthbutitappearedthatsheregainedhercheerfulnesswithaction,forinduetimetheteawasspreadforthinhandsomestyle,andneitherham,tarts,normarmaladewerewantingamongitsaccompaniments. Thecurates,summonedtothisbounteousrepast,enteredjoyousbutatonce,onseeingtheladies,ofwhosepresencetheyhadnotbeenforewarned,theycametoastandinthedoorway.Maloneheadedthepartyhestoppedshortandfellback,almostcapsizingDonne,whowasbehindhim.Donne,staggeringthreepacesinretreat,sentlittleSweetingintothearmsofoldHelstone,whobroughtuptherear.Therewassomeexpostulation,sometittering.Malonewasdesiredtomindwhathewasabout,andurgedtopushforward,whichatlasthedid,thoughcolouringtothetopofhispeakedforeheadabluishpurple.Helstone,advancing,settheshycuratesaside,welcomedallhisfairguests,shookhandsandpassedajestwitheach,andseatedhimselfsnuglybetweenthelovelyHarrietandthedashingHannah.MissMaryherequestedtomovetotheseatoppositetohim,thathemightseeherifhecouldn'tbenearher.Perfectlyeasyandgallant,inhisway,werehismannersalwaystoyoungladies,andmostpopularwasheamongstthemyetatheartheneitherrespectednorlikedthesex,andsuchofthemascircumstanceshadbroughtintointimaterelationwithhimhadeverfearedratherthanlovedhim. Thecurateswerelefttoshiftforthemselves.Sweeting,whowastheleastembarrassedofthethree,tookrefugebesideMrs.Sykes,who,heknew,wasalmostasfondofhimasifhehadbeenherson.Donne,aftermakinghisgeneralbowwithagraceallhisown,andsayinginahigh,pragmaticalvoice,"Howd'yedo,MissHelstone?"droppedintoaseatatCaroline'selbow,toherunmitigatedannoyance,forshehadapeculiarantipathytoDonne,onaccountofhisstultifiedandimmovableself-conceitandhisincurablenarrownessofmind.Malone,grinningmostunmeaningly,inductedhimselfintothecorrespondingseatontheotherside.Shewasthusblessedinapairofsupporters,neitherofwhom,sheknew,wouldbeofanymortaluse,whetherforkeepinguptheconversation,handingcups,circulatingthemuffins,orevenliftingtheplatefromtheslop-basin.LittleSweeting,smallandboyishashewas,wouldhavebeenworthtwentyofthem. Malone,thoughaceaselesstalkerwhentherewereonlymenpresent,wasusuallytongue-tiedinthepresenceofladies.Threephrases,however,hehadreadycutanddried,whichheneverfailedtoproduce:— 1stly."Haveyouhadawalkto-day,MissHelstone?" 2ndly."HaveyouseenyourcousinMoorelately?" 3rdly."DoesyourclassattheSundayschoolkeepupitsnumber?" Thesethreequestionsbeingputandrespondedto,betweenCarolineandMalonereignedsilence. WithDonneitwasotherwisehewastroublesome,exasperating.Hehadastockofsmall-talkonhand,atoncethemosttriteandperversethatcanwellbeimagined—abuseofthepeopleofBriarfieldofthenativesofYorkshiregenerallycomplaintsofthewantofhighsocietyofthebackwardstateofcivilizationinthesedistrictsmurmuringsagainstthedisrespectfulconductofthelowerordersinthenorthtowardtheirbetterssillyridiculeofthemanneroflivingintheseparts—thewantofstyle,theabsenceofelegance,asifhe,Donne,hadbeenaccustomedtoverygreatdoingsindeed,aninsinuationwhichhissomewhatunderbredmannerandaspectfailedtobearout.Thesestrictures,heseemedtothink,mustraisehimintheestimationofMissHelstoneorofanyotherladywhoheardhimwhereaswithher,atleast,theybroughthimtoalevelbelowcontempt,thoughsometimes,indeed,theyincensedherfor,aYorkshiregirlherself,shehatedtohearYorkshireabusedbysuchapitifulpraterandwhenwroughtuptoacertainpitch,shewouldturnandsaysomethingofwhichneitherthematternorthemannerrecommendedhertoMr.Donne'sgood-will.Shewouldtellhimitwasnoproofofrefinementtobeeverscoldingothersforvulgarity,andnosignofagoodpastortobeeternallycensuringhisflock.Shewouldaskhimwhathehadenteredthechurchfor,sincehecomplainedtherewereonlycottagestovisit,andpoorpeopletopreachto—whetherhehadbeenordainedtotheministrymerelytowearsoftclothingandsitinking'shouses.Thesequestionswereconsideredbyallthecuratesas,tothelastdegree,audaciousandimpious. Teawasalongtimeinprogressalltheguestsgabbledastheirhostesshadexpectedtheywould.Mr.Helstone,beinginexcellentspirits—when,indeed,washeeverotherwiseinsociety,attractivefemalesociety?itbeingonlywiththeoneladyofhisownfamilythathemaintainedagrimtaciturnity—keptupabrilliantflowofeasyprattlewithhisright-handandleft-handneighbours,andevenwithhisvis-à-vis,MissMarythough,asMarywasthemostsensible,theleastcoquettish,ofthethree,tohertheelderlywidowerwastheleastattentive.Athearthecouldnotabidesenseinwomen.Helikedtoseethemassilly,aslight-headed,asvain,asopentoridiculeaspossible,becausetheyweretheninrealitywhatheheldthemtobe,andwishedthemtobe—inferior,toystoplaywith,toamuseavacanthour,andtobethrownaway. Hannahwashisfavourite.Harriet,thoughbeautiful,egotistical,andself-satisfied,wasnotquiteweakenoughforhim.Shehadsomegenuineself-respectamidstmuchfalsepride,andifshedidnottalklikeanoracle,neitherwouldshebabblelikeonecrazyshewouldnotpermitherselftobetreatedquiteasadoll,achild,aplaythingsheexpectedtobebenttolikeaqueen. Hannah,onthecontrary,demandednorespect,onlyflattery.Ifheradmirersonlytoldherthatshewasanangel,shewouldletthemtreatherlikeanidiot.Soverycredulousandfrivolouswasshe,soverysillydidshebecomewhenbesiegedwithattention,flatteredandadmiredtotheproperdegree,thatthereweremomentswhenHelstoneactuallyfelttemptedtocommitmatrimonyasecondtime,andtotrytheexperimentoftakingherforhissecondhelpmeetbutfortunatelythesalutaryrecollectionoftheennuisofhisfirstmarriage,theimpressionstillleftonhimoftheweightofthemillstonehehadoncewornroundhisneck,thefixityofhisfeelingsrespectingtheinsufferableevilsofconjugalexistence,operatedasachecktohistenderness,suppressedthesighheavinghisoldironlungs,andrestrainedhimfromwhisperingtoHannahproposalsitwouldhavebeenhighfunandgreatsatisfactiontohertohear. Itisprobableshewouldhavemarriedhimifhehadaskedherherparentswouldhavequiteapprovedthematch.Tothemhisfifty-fiveyears,hisbend-leatherheart,couldhavepresentednoobstaclesandashewasarector,heldanexcellentliving,occupiedagoodhouse,andwassupposedeventohaveprivateproperty(thoughinthattheworldwasmistakeneverypennyofthe￡5,000inheritedbyhimfromhisfatherhadbeendevotedtothebuildingandendowingofanewchurchathisnativevillageinLancashire—forhecouldshowalordlymunificencewhenhepleased,andiftheendwastohisliking,neverhesitatedaboutmakingagrandsacrificetoattainit)—herparents,Isay,wouldhavedeliveredHannahovertohislovingkindnessandhistendermercieswithoutonescrupleandthesecondMrs.Helstone,invertingthenaturalorderofinsectexistence,wouldhaveflutteredthroughthehoneymoonabright,admiredbutterfly,andcrawledtherestofherdaysasordid,trampledworm. LittleMr.Sweeting,seatedbetweenMrs.SykesandMissMary,bothofwhomwereverykindtohim,andhavingadishoftartsbeforehim,andmarmaladeandcrumpetuponhisplate,lookedandfeltmorecontentthananymonarch.HewasfondofalltheMissesSykestheywereallfondofhim.Hethoughtthemmagnificentgirls,quitepropertomatewithoneofhisinches.Ifhehadacauseofregretatthisblissfulmoment,itwasthatMissDorahappenedtobeabsent—DorabeingtheonewhomhesecretlyhopedonedaytocallMrs.DavidSweeting,withwhomhedreamtoftakingstatelywalks,leadingherlikeanempressthroughthevillageofNunnelyandanempressshewouldhavebeen,ifsizecouldmakeanempress.Shewasvast,ponderous.Seenfrombehind,shehadtheairofaverystoutladyoffortybutwithalshepossessedagoodface,andnounkindlycharacter. Themealatlastdrewtoaclose.ItwouldhavebeenoverlongagoifMr.Donnehadnotpersistedinsittingwithhiscuphalffullofcoldteabeforehim,longaftertheresthadfinishedandafterhehimselfhaddiscussedsuchallowanceofviandsashefeltcompetenttoswallow—long,indeed,aftersignsofimpatiencehadbeenmanifestedallroundtheboard,tillchairswerepushedback,tillthetalkflagged,tillsilencefell.VainlydidCarolineinquirerepeatedlyifhewouldhaveanothercup,ifhewouldtakealittlehottea,asthatmustbecold,etc.hewouldneitherdrinkitnorleaveit.Heseemedtothinkthatthisisolatedpositionofhisgavehimsomehowacertainimportance,thatitwasdignifiedandstatelytobethelast,thatitwasgrandtokeepalltheotherswaiting.Solongdidhelinger,thattheveryurndieditceasedtohiss.Atlength,however,theoldrectorhimself,whohadhithertobeentoopleasantlyengagedwithHannahtocareforthedelay,gotimpatient. "Forwhomarewewaiting?"heasked. "Forme,Ibelieve,"returnedDonnecomplacently,appearingtothinkitmuchtohiscreditthatapartyshouldthusbekeptdependentonhismovements. "Tut!"criedHelstone.Thenstandingup,"Letusreturnthanks,"saidhewhichhedidforthwith,andallquittedthetable.Donne,nothingabashed,stillsattenminutesquitealone,whereuponMr.Helstonerangthebellforthethingstoberemoved.Thecurateatlengthsawhimselfforcedtoemptyhiscup,andtorelinquishther?lewhich,hethought,hadgivenhimsuchafelicitousdistinction,drawinguponhimsuchflatteringgeneralnotice. Andnow,inthenaturalcourseofevents(Caroline,knowinghowitwouldbe,hadopenedthepiano,andproducedmusic-booksinreadiness),musicwasaskedfor.ThiswasMr.Sweeting'schanceforshowingoff.Hewaseagertocommence.Heundertook,therefore,thearduoustaskofpersuadingtheyoungladiestofavourthecompanywithanair—asong.Conamorehewentthroughthewholebusinessofbegging,praying,