CHAPTER XXI. THE SCHOOL

ndnowthatyouhavebeensofoolish,prayrepentandamend,andletushavenomoreofit!” IcannotsaythatIimplicitlyobeyedmyowninjunctions:butsuchreasoningasthisbecamemoreandmoreeffectiveastimeworeon,andnothingwasseenorheardofMr.Westonuntil,atlast,Igaveuphoping,forevenmyheartacknowledgeditwasallinvain.Butstill,Iwouldthinkofhim:Iwouldcherishhisimageinmymindandtreasureeveryword,look,andgesturethatmymemorycouldretainandbroodoverhisexcellencesandhispeculiarities,and,infact,allIhadseen,heard,orimaginedrespectinghim. “Agnes,thisseaairandchangeofscenedoyounogood,Ithink:Ineversawyoulooksowretched.Itmustbethatyousittoomuch,andallowthecaresoftheschoolroomtoworryyou.Youmustlearntotakethingseasy,andtobemoreactiveandcheerfulyoumusttakeexercisewheneveryoucangetit,andleavethemosttiresomedutiestome:theywillonlyservetoexercisemypatience,and,perhaps,trymytemperalittle.” Sosaidmymother,aswesatatworkonemorningduringtheEasterholidays.IassuredherthatmyemploymentswerenotatalloppressivethatIwaswellor,iftherewasanythingamiss,itwouldbegoneassoonasthetryingmonthsofspringwereover:whensummercameIshouldbeasstrongandheartyasshecouldwishtoseeme:butinwardlyherobservationstartledme.Iknewmystrengthwasdeclining,myappetitehadfailed,andIwasgrownlistlessanddesponding—andif,indeed,hecouldnevercareforme,andIcouldneverseehimmore—ifIwasforbiddentoministertohishappiness—forbidden,forever,totastethejoysoflove,tobless,andtobeblessed—then,lifemustbeaburden,andifmyheavenlyFatherwouldcallmeaway,Ishouldbegladtorest.Butitwouldnotdotodieandleavemymother.Selfish,unworthydaughter,toforgetherforamoment!Wasnotherhappinesscommittedinagreatmeasuretomycharge?—andthewelfareofouryoungpupilstoo?ShouldIshrinkfromtheworkthatGodhadsetbeforeme,becauseitwasnotfittedtomytaste?DidnotHeknowbestwhatIshoulddo,andwhereIoughttolabour?—andshouldIlongtoquitHisservicebeforeIhadfinishedmytask,andexpecttoenterintoHisrestwithouthavinglabouredtoearnit?“NobyHishelpIwillariseandaddressmyselfdiligentlytomyappointedduty.Ifhappinessinthisworldis