CHAPTER XV. THE WALK

beentalkingofbeforebutbeforeIcouldanswer,MissMurrayrepliedtotheobservationandenlargeduponit:herejoinedand,fromthencetothecloseoftheinterview,sheengrossedhimentirelytoherself.Itmightbepartlyowingtomyownstupidity,mywantoftactandassurance:butIfeltmyselfwronged:ItrembledwithapprehensionandIlistenedwithenvytohereasy,rapidflowofutterance,andsawwithanxietythebrightsmilewithwhichshelookedintohisfacefromtimetotime:forshewaswalkingalittleinadvance,forthepurpose(asIjudged)ofbeingseenaswellasheard.Ifherconversationwaslightandtrivial,itwasamusing,andshewasneveratalossforsomethingtosay,orforsuitablewordstoexpressitin.Therewasnothingpertorflippantinhermannernow,aswhenshewalkedwithMr.Hatfield,therewasonlyagentle,playfulkindofvivacity,whichIthoughtmustbepeculiarlypleasingtoamanofMr.Weston’sdispositionandtemperament. Whenhewasgoneshebegantolaugh,andmutteredtoherself,“IthoughtIcoulddoit!” “Dowhat?”Iasked. “Fixthatman.” “Whatintheworlddoyoumean?” “Imeanthathewillgohomeanddreamofme.Ihaveshothimthroughtheheart!” “Howdoyouknow?” “Bymanyinfallibleproofs:moreespeciallythelookhegavemewhenhewentaway.Itwasnotanimpudentlook—Iexoneratehimfromthat—itwasalookofreverential,tenderadoration.Ha,ha!he’snotquitesuchastupidblockheadasIthoughthim!” Imadenoanswer,formyheartwasinmythroat,orsomethinglikeit,andIcouldnottrustmyselftospeak.“OGod,avertit!”Icried,internally—“forhissake,notformine!” MissMurraymadeseveraltrivialobservationsaswepassedupthepark,towhich(inspiteofmyreluctancetoletoneglimpseofmyfeelingsappear)Icouldonlyanswerbymonosyllables.Whethersheintendedtotormentme,ormerelytoamuseherself,Icouldnottell—anddidnotmuchcarebutIthoughtofthepoormanandhisonelamb,andtherichmanwithhisthousandflocksandIdreadedIknewnotwhatforMr.Weston,independentlyofmyownblightedhopes. RightgladwasItogetintothehouse,andfindmyselfaloneoncemoreinmyownroom.Myfirstimpulsewastosinkintothechairbesidethebedandlayingmyheadonthepillow,toseekreliefinapassionateburstoftears:therewasanimperativecravingforsuchanindulgencebut,alas!Imustrestrainandswallowbackmyfeelingsstill:therewasthebell—theodiousbellfortheschoolroomdinnerandImustgodownwithacalmface,andsmile,andlaugh,andtalknonsense—yes,andeat,too,ifpossible,asifallwasright,andIwasjustreturnedfromapleasantwalk.