CHAPTER III. A FEW MORE LESSONS

rialswasthedressinginthemorning:atonetimeshewouldnotbewashedatanothershewouldnotbedressed,unlessshemightwearsomeparticularfrock,thatIknewhermotherwouldnotlikehertohaveatanothershewouldscreamandrunawayifIattemptedtotouchherhair.Sothat,frequently,when,aftermuchtroubleandtoil,Ihad,atlength,succeededinbringingherdown,thebreakfastwasnearlyhalfoverandblacklooksfrom“mamma,”andtestyobservationsfrom“papa,”spokenatme,ifnottome,weresuretobemymeed:forfewthingsirritatedthelattersomuchaswantofpunctualityatmealtimes.Then,amongtheminorannoyances,wasmyinabilitytosatisfyMrs.Bloomfieldwithherdaughter’sdressandthechild’shair“wasneverfittobeseen.”Sometimes,asapowerfulreproachtome,shewouldperformtheofficeoftirewomanherself,andthencomplainbitterlyofthetroubleitgaveher. WhenlittleFannycameintotheschoolroom,Ihopedshewouldbemildandinoffensive,atleastbutafewdays,ifnotafewhours,sufficedtodestroytheillusion:Ifoundheramischievous,intractablelittlecreature,givenuptofalsehoodanddeception,youngasshewas,andalarminglyfondofexercisinghertwofavouriteweaponsofoffenceanddefence:thatofspittinginthefacesofthosewhoincurredherdispleasure,andbellowinglikeabullwhenherunreasonabledesireswerenotgratified.Asshe,generally,wasprettyquietinherparents’presence,andtheywereimpressedwiththenotionofherbeingaremarkablygentlechild,herfalsehoodswerereadilybelieved,andherlouduproarsledthemtosuspectharshandinjudicioustreatmentonmypartandwhen,atlength,herbaddispositionbecamemanifesteventotheirprejudicedeyes,Ifeltthatthewholewasattributedtome. “WhatanaughtygirlFannyisgetting!”Mrs.Bloomfieldwouldsaytoherspouse.“Don’tyouobserve,mydear,howsheisalteredsincesheenteredtheschoolroom?Shewillsoonbeasbadastheothertwoand,Iamsorrytosay,theyhavequitedeterioratedoflate.” “Youmaysaythat,”wastheanswer.“I’vebeenthinkingthatsamemyself.Ithoughtwhenwegotthemagovernessthey’dimprovebut,insteadofthat,theygetworseandworse:Idon’tknowhowitiswiththeirlearning,buttheirhabits,Iknow,makenosortofimprovementtheygetrougher,anddirtier,andmoreunseemlyeveryday.” Iknewthiswasallpointedatmeandthese,andallsimilarinnuendoes,affectedmefarmoredeeplythananyopenaccusationswouldhavedoneforagainstthelatterIshouldhavebeenrousedtospeakinmyowndefence:nowIjudgeditmywisestplantosubdueeveryresentfulimpulse,suppresseverysensitiveshrinking,andgoonperseveringly,doingmybestfor,irksomeasmysituationwas,Iearnestlywishedtoretainit.Ithought,ifIcouldstruggleonwithunremittingfirmnessandintegrity,thechildrenwouldintimebecomemorehumanized:everymonthwouldcontributetomakethemsomelittlewiser,and,consequently,moremanageableforachildofnineortenasfranticandungovernableastheseatsixandsevenwouldbeamaniac. IflatteredmyselfIwasbenefitingmyparentsandsisterbymycontinuancehereforsmallasthesalarywas,Istillwasearningsomething,andwithstricteconomyIcouldeasilymanagetohavesomethingtospareforthem,iftheywouldfavourmebytakingit.ThenitwasbymyownwillthatIhadgottheplace:Ihadbroughtallthistribulationonmyself,andIwasdeterminedtobearitnay,morethanthat,IdidnotevenregretthestepIhadtaken.Ilongedtoshowmyfriendsthat,evennow,Iwascompetenttoundertakethecharge,andabletoacquitmyselfhonourablytotheendandifeverIfeltitdegradingtosubmitsoquietly,orintolerabletotoilsoconstantly,Iwouldturntowardsmyhome,andsaywithinmyself— Theymaycrush,buttheyshallnotsubdueme! ’TisoftheethatIthink,notofthem. AboutChristmasIwasallowedtovisithomebutmyholidaywasonlyofafortnight’sduration:“For,”saidMrs.Bloomfield,“Ithought,asyouhadseenyourfriendssolately,youwouldnotcareforalongerstay.”Ilefthertothinksostill:butshelittleknewhowlong,howwearisomethosefourteenweeksofabsencehadbeentomehowintenselyIhadlongedformyholidays,howgreatlyIwasdisappointedattheircurtailment.Yetshewasnottoblameinthis.Ihadnevertoldhermyfeelings,andshecouldnotbeexpectedtodivinethemIhadnotbeenwithherafullterm,andshewasjustifiedinnotallowingmeafullvacation.