CHAPTER XXVII

pposeyou’reinthehabitofarguing?” “JamesandJohnniewillgoonlikethatforhours,”Ralphreplied.“SowillHester,ifyoustartheruponElizabethandramatists.” “Andthelittlegirlwiththepigtail?” “Molly?She’sonlyten.Butthey’realwaysarguingamongthemselves.” HewasimmenselypleasedbyKatharine’spraiseofhisbrothersandsisters.Hewouldhavelikedtogoontellingheraboutthem,buthecheckedhimself. “Iseethatitmustbedifficulttoleavethem,”Katharinecontinued.Hisdeepprideinhisfamilywasmoreevidenttohim,atthatmoment,thaneverbefore,andtheideaoflivingaloneinacottagewasridiculous.Allthatbrotherhoodandsisterhood,andacommonchildhoodinacommonpastmean,allthestability,theunambitiouscomradeship,andtacitunderstandingoffamilylifeatitsbest,cametohismind,andhethoughtofthemasacompany,ofwhichhewastheleader,boundonadifficult,dreary,butgloriousvoyage.AnditwasKatharinewhohadopenedhiseyestothis,hethought. Alittledrychirpfromthecorneroftheroomnowrousedherattention. “Mytamerook,”heexplainedbriefly.“Acathadbittenoneofitslegs.”Shelookedattherook,andhereyeswentfromoneobjecttoanother. “Yousithereandread?”shesaid,hereyesrestinguponhisbooks.Hesaidthathewasinthehabitofworkingthereatnight. “ThegreatadvantageofHighgateistheviewoverLondon.Atnighttheviewfrommywindowissplendid.”Hewasextremelyanxiousthatsheshouldappreciatehisview,andsherosetoseewhatwastobeseen.Itwasalreadydarkenoughfortheturbulenthazetobeyellowwiththelightofstreetlamps,andshetriedtodeterminethequartersofthecitybeneathher.Thesightofhergazingfromhiswindowgavehimapeculiarsatisfaction.Whensheturned,atlength,hewasstillsittingmotionlessinhischair. “Itmustbelate,”shesaid.“Imustbegoing.”Shesettleduponthearmofthechairirresolutely,thinkingthatshehadnowishtogohome.Williamwouldbethere,andhewouldfindsomewayofmakingthingsunpleasantforher,andthememoryoftheirquarrelcamebacktoher.ShehadnoticedRalph’scoldness,too.Shelookedathim,andfromhisfixedstareshethoughtthathemustbeworkingoutsometheory,someargument.Hehadthought,perhaps,ofsomefreshpointinhisposition,astotheboundsofpersonalliberty.Shewaited,silently,thinkingaboutliberty. “You’vewonagain,”hesaidatlast,withoutmoving. “I’vewon?”sherepeated,thinkingoftheargument. “IwishtoGodIhadn’taskedyouhere,”heburstout. “Whatdoyoumean?” “Whenyou’rehere,it’sdifferent—I’mhappy.You’veonlytowalktothewindow—you’veonlytotalkaboutliberty.WhenIsawyoudownthereamongthemall—”Hestoppedshort. “YouthoughthowordinaryIwas.” “Itriedtothinkso.ButIthoughtyoumorewonderfulthanever.” Animmenserelief,andareluctancetoenjoythatrelief,conflictedinherheart. Shesliddownintothechair. “Ithoughtyoudislikedme,”shesaid. “GodknowsItried,”hereplied.“I’vedonemybesttoseeyouasyouare,withoutanyofthisdamnedromanticnonsense.ThatwaswhyIaskedyouhere,andit’sincreasedmyfolly.Whenyou’regoneIshalllookoutofthatwindowandthinkofyou.Ishallwastethewholeeveningthinkingofyou.Ishallwastemywholelife,Ibelieve.” Hespokewithsuchvehemencethatherreliefdisappearedshefrownedandhertonechangedtoonealmostofseverity. “ThisiswhatIforetold.Weshallgainnothingbutunhappiness.Lookatme,Ralph.”Helookedather.“IassureyouthatI’mfarmoreordinarythanIappear.Beautymeansnothingwhatever.Infact,themostbeautifulwomenaregenerallythemoststupid.I’mnotthat,butI’mamatter-of-fact,prosaic,ratherordinarycharacterIorderthedinner,Ipaythebills,Idotheaccounts,Iwinduptheclock,andIneverlookatabook.” “Youforget—”hebegan,butshewouldnotlethimspeak. “Youcomeandseemeamongflowersandpictures,andthinkmemysterious,romantic,andalltherestofit.Beingyourselfveryinexperiencedandveryemotional,yougohomeandinventastoryaboutme,andnowyoucan’tseparatemefromthepersonyou’veimaginedmetobe.Youcallthat,Isuppose,beinginloveasamatteroffactit’sbeingindelusion.Allromanticpeoplearethesame,”sheadded.“Mymotherspendsherlifeinmakingstoriesaboutthepeopleshe’sfondof.ButIwon’thaveyoudoitaboutme,ifIcanhelpit.” “Youcan’thelpit,”hesaid. “Iwarnyouit’sthesourceofallevil.” “Andofallgood,”headded. “You’llfindoutthatI’mnotwhatyouthinkme.” “Perhaps.ButIshallgainmorethanIlose.” “Ifsuchgain’sworthhaving.” Theyweresilentforaspace. “Thatmaybewhatwehavetoface,”hesaid.“Theremaybenothingelse.Nothingbutwhatweimagine.” “Thereasonofourloneliness,”shemused,andtheyweresilentforatime. “Whenareyoutobemarried?”heaskedabruptly,withachangeoftone. “NottillSeptember,Ithink.It’sbeenputoff.” “Youwon’tbelonelythen,”hesaid.“Accordingtowhatpeoplesay,marriageisaveryqueerbusiness.Theysayit’sdifferentfromanythingelse.Itmaybetrue.I’veknownoneortwocaseswhereitseemstobetrue.”Hehopedthatshewouldgoonwiththesubject.Butshemadenoreply.Hehaddonehisbesttomasterhimself,andhisvoicewassufficientlyindifferent,buthersilencetormentedhim.ShewouldneverspeaktohimofRodneyofherownaccord,andherreserveleftawholecontinentofhersoulindarkness. “Itmaybeputoffevenlongerthanthat,”shesaid,asifbyanafterthought.“Someoneintheofficeisill,andWilliamhastotakehisplace.Wemayputitoffforsometimeinfact.” “That’sratherhardonhim,isn’tit?”Ralphasked. “Hehashiswork,”shereplied.“Hehaslotsofthingsthatinteresthim....IknowI’vebeentothatplace,”shebrokeoff,pointingtoaphotograph.“ButIcan’trememberwhereitis—oh,ofcourseit’sOxford.Now,whataboutyourcottage?” “I’mnotgoingtotakeit.” “Howyouchangeyourmind!”shesmiled. “It’snotthat,”hesaidimpatiently.“It’sthatIwanttobewhereIcanseeyou.” “OurcompactisgoingtoholdinspiteofallI’vesaid?”sheasked. “Forever,sofarasI’mconcerned,”hereplied. “You’regoingtogoondreamingandimaginingandmakingupstoriesaboutmeasyouwalkalongthestreet,andpretendingthatwe’reridinginaforest,orlandingonanisland—” “No.Ishallthinkofyouorderingdinner,payingbills,doingtheaccounts,showingoldladiestherelics—” “That’sbetter,”shesaid.“Youcanthinkofmeto-morrowmorninglookingupdatesinthe‘DictionaryofNationalBiography.’” “Andforgettingyourpurse,”Ralphadded. Atthisshesmiled,butinanothermomenthersmilefaded,eitherbecauseofhiswordsorofthewayinwhichhespokethem.Shewascapableofforgettingthings.Hesawthat.Butwhatmoredidhesee?Washenotlookingatsomethingshehadnevershowntoanybody?Wasitnotsomethingsoprofoundthatthenotionofhisseeingitalmostshockedher?Hersmilefaded,andforamomentsheseemeduponthepointofspeaking,butlookingathiminsilence,withalookthatseemedtoaskwhatshecouldnotputintowords,sheturnedandbadehimgoodnight.