CHAPTER XXI

fromBondStreettotheTempleifshewishedit.Theflowoffacesstreamingoneithersideofherhadhypnotizedherintoamoodofprofounddespondency,towhichherexpectationofaneveningalonewithRodneycontributed.Theywereverygoodfriendsagain,betterfriends,theybothsaid,thaneverbefore.Sofarasshewasconcernedthiswastrue.Thereweremanymorethingsinhimthanshehadguesseduntilemotionbroughtthemforth—strength,affection,sympathy.Andshethoughtofthemandlookedatthefacespassing,andthoughthowmuchaliketheywere,andhowdistant,nobodyfeelinganythingasshefeltnothing,anddistance,shethought,layinevitablybetweentheclosest,andtheirintimacywastheworstpresenceofall.For,“Ohdear,”shethought,lookingintoatobacconist’swindow,“Idon’tcareforanyofthem,andIdon’tcareforWilliam,andpeoplesaythisisthethingthatmattersmost,andIcan’tseewhattheymeanbyit.” Shelookeddesperatelyatthesmooth-bowledpipes,andwondered—shouldshewalkonbytheStrandorbytheEmbankment?Itwasnotasimplequestion,foritconcernednotdifferentstreetssomuchasdifferentstreamsofthought.IfshewentbytheStrandshewouldforceherselftothinkouttheproblemofthefuture,orsomemathematicalproblemifshewentbytherivershewouldcertainlybegintothinkaboutthingsthatdidn’texist—theforest,theoceanbeach,theleafysolitudes,themagnanimoushero.No,no,no!Athousandtimesno!—itwouldn’tdotherewassomethingrepulsiveinsuchthoughtsatpresentshemusttakesomethingelseshewasoutofthatmoodatpresent.AndthenshethoughtofMarythethoughtgaveherconfidence,evenpleasureofasadsort,asifthetriumphofRalphandMaryprovedthatthefaultofherfailurelaywithherselfandnotwithlife.AnindistinctideathatthesightofMarymightbeofhelp,combinedwithhernaturaltrustinher,suggestedavisitfor,surely,herlikingwasofakindthatimpliedlikinguponMary’ssidealso.Afteramoment’shesitationshedecided,althoughsheseldomacteduponimpulse,toactuponthisone,andturneddownasidestreetandfoundMary’sdoor.ButherreceptionwasnotencouragingclearlyMarydidn’twanttoseeher,hadnohelptoimpart,andthehalf-formeddesiretoconfideinherwasquenchedimmediately.Shewasslightlyamusedatherowndelusion,lookedratherabsent-minded,andswungherglovestoandfro,asifdolingoutthefewminutesaccuratelybeforeshecouldsaygood-by. ThosefewminutesmightverywellbespentinaskingforinformationastotheexactpositionoftheSuffrageBill,orinexpoundingherownverysensibleviewofthesituation.Buttherewasatoneinhervoice,orashadeinheropinions,oraswingofhergloveswhichservedtoirritateMaryDatchet,whosemannerbecameincreasinglydirect,abrupt,andevenantagonistic.ShebecameconsciousofawishtomakeKatharinerealizetheimportanceofthiswork,whichshediscussedsocoolly,asthoughshe,too,hadsacrificedwhatMaryherselfhadsacrificed.Theswingingoftheglovesceased,andKatharine,aftertenminutes,begantomakemovementspreliminarytodeparture.Atthesightofthis,Marywasaware—shewasabnormallyawareofthingsto-night—ofanotherverystrongdesireKatharinewasnottobeallowedtogo,todisappearintothefree,happyworldofirresponsibleindividuals.Shemustbemadetorealize—tofeel. “Idon’tquitesee,”shesaid,asifKatharinehadchallengedherexplicitly,“how,thingsbeingastheyare,anyonecanhelptrying,atleast,todosomething.” “No.Buthowarethings?” Marypressedherlips,andsmiledironicallyshehadKatharineathermercyshecould,ifsheliked,dischargeuponherheadwagon-loadsofrevoltingproofofthestateofthingsignoredbythecasual,theamateur,thelooker-on,thecynicalobserveroflifeatadistance.Andyetshehesitated.Asusual,whenshefoundherselfintalkwithKatharine,shebegantofeelrapidalternationsofopinionabouther,arrowsofsensationstrikingstrangelythroughtheenvelopeofpersonality,whichsheltersussoconvenientlyfromourfellows.Whatanegoist,howaloofshewas!Andyet,notinherwords,perhaps,butinhervoice,inherface,inherattitude,thereweresignsofasoftbroodingspirit,ofasensibilityunbluntedandprofound,playingoverherthoughtsanddeeds,andinvestinghermannerwithanhabitualgentleness.TheargumentsandphrasesofMr.Clactonfellflatagainstsucharmor. “You’llbemarried,andyou’llhaveotherthingstothinkof,”shesai