CHAPTER XVIII

ofhisloveforher,inwordswhichbore,eventohercriticalsenses,thestampoftruthbutnoneofthistouchedher,until,comingtoagatewhosehingewasrusty,heheaveditopenwithhisshoulder,stilltalkingandtakingnoaccountofhiseffort.Thevirilityofthisdeedimpressedherandyet,normally,sheattachednovaluetothepowerofopeninggates.Thestrengthofmuscleshasnothingtodoonthefaceofitwiththestrengthofaffectionsnevertheless,shefeltasuddenconcernforthispowerrunningtowasteonheraccount,which,combinedwithadesiretokeeppossessionofthatstrangelyattractivemasculinepower,madeherrouseherselffromhertorpor. Whyshouldshenotsimplytellhimthetruth—whichwasthatshehadacceptedhiminamistystateofmindwhennothinghaditsrightshapeorsize?thatitwasdeplorable,butthatwithclearereyesightmarriagewasoutofthequestion?Shedidnotwanttomarryanyone.Shewantedtogoawaybyherself,preferablytosomebleaknorthernmoor,andtherestudymathematicsandthescienceofastronomy.Twentywordswouldexplainthewholesituationtohim.Hehadceasedtospeakhehadtoldheroncemorehowhelovedherandwhy.Shesummonedhercourage,fixedhereyesuponalightning-splinteredash-tree,and,almostasifshewerereadingawritingfixedtothetrunk,began: “Iwaswrongtogetengagedtoyou.Ishallnevermakeyouhappy.Ihaveneverlovedyou.” “Katharine!”heprotested. “No,never,”sherepeatedobstinately.“Notrightly.Don’tyousee,Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoing?” “Youlovesomeoneelse?”hecuthershort. “Absolutelynoone.” “Henry?”hedemanded. “Henry?Ishouldhavethought,William,evenyou—” “Thereissomeone,”hepersisted.“Therehasbeenachangeinthelastfewweeks.Youoweittometobehonest,Katharine.” “IfIcould,Iwould,”shereplied. “Whydidyoutellmeyouwouldmarryme,then?”hedemanded. Why,indeed?Amomentofpessimism,asuddenconvictionoftheundeniableproseoflife,alapseoftheillusionwhichsustainsyouthmidwaybetweenheavenandearth,adesperateattempttoreconcileherselfwithfacts—shecouldonlyrecallamoment,asofwakingfromadream,whichnowseemedtoheramomentofsurrender.Butwhocouldgivereasonssuchasthesefordoingwhatshehaddone?Sheshookherheadverysadly. “Butyou’renotachild—you’renotawomanofmoods,”Rodneypersisted.“Youcouldn’thaveacceptedmeifyouhadn’tlovedme!”hecried. Asenseofherownmisbehavior,whichshehadsucceededinkeepingfromherbysharpeningherconsciousnessofRodney’sfaults,nowsweptoverherandalmostoverwhelmedher.Whatwerehisfaultsincomparisonwiththefactthathecaredforher?Whatwerehervirtuesincomparisonwiththefactthatshedidnotcareforhim?Inaflashtheconvictionthatnottocareistheuttermostsinofallstampeditselfuponherinmostthoughtandshefeltherselfbrandedforever. Hehadtakenherarm,andheldherhandfirmlyinhis,norhadshetheforcetoresistwhatnowseemedtoherhisenormouslysuperiorstrength.Verywellshewouldsubmit,ashermotherandherauntandmostwomen,perhaps,hadsubmittedandyetsheknewthateverysecondofsuchsubmissiontohisstrengthwasasecondoftreacherytohim. “IdidsayIwouldmarryyou,butitwaswrong,”sheforcedherselftosay,andshestiffenedherarmasiftoannuleventheseemingsubmissionofthatseparatepartofher“forIdon’tloveyou,Williamyou’venoticedit,everyone’snoticeditwhyshouldwegoonpretending?WhenItoldyouIlovedyou,Iwaswrong.IsaidwhatIknewtobeuntrue.” Asnoneofherwordsseemedtoheratalladequatetorepresentwhatshefelt,sherepeatedthem,andemphasizedthemwithoutrealizingtheeffectthattheymighthaveuponamanwhocaredforher.Shewascompletelytakenabackbyfindingherarmsuddenlydroppedthenshesawhisfacemoststrangelycontortedwashelaughing,itflashedacrossher?Inanothermomentshesawthathewasintears.Inherbewildermentatthisapparitionshestoodaghastforasecond.Withadesperatesensethatthishorrormust,atallcosts,bestopped,shethenputherarmsabouthim,drewhisheadforamomentuponhershoulder,andledhimon,murmuringwordsofconsolation,untilheheavedagreatsigh.Theyheldfasttoeachotherhertears,too,randownhercheeksandwerebothquitesilent.Noticingthedifficultywithwhichhewalked,andfeelingthesameextremelassitudeinherownlimbs,sheproposedthattheyshouldrestforamomentwherethebrackenwasbrownandshriveledbeneathanoak-tree.Heassented.Oncemorehegaveagreatsigh,andwipedhiseyeswithachildlikeunconsciousness,andbegantospeakwithoutatraceofhispreviousanger.Theideacametoherthattheywerelikethechildreninthefairytalewhowerelostinawood,andwiththisinhermindshenoticedthescatteringofdeadleavesallroundthemwhichhadbeenblownbythewindintoheaps,afootortwodeep,hereandthere. “Whendidyoubegintofeelthis,Katharine?”hesaid“foritisn’ttruetosaythatyou’vealwaysfeltit.IadmitIwasunreasonablethefirstnightwhenyoufoundthatyourclotheshadbeenleftbehind.Still,where’sthefaultinthat?Icouldpromiseyounevertointerferewithyourclothesagain.IadmitIwascrosswhenIfoundyouupstairswithHenry.PerhapsIshowedittooopenly.Butthat’snotunreasonableeitherwhenone’sengaged.Askyourmother.Andnowthisterriblething—”Hebrokeoff,unableforthemomenttoproceedanyfurther.“Thisdecisionyousayyou’vecometo—haveyoudiscusseditwithanyone?Yourmother,forexample,orHenry?” “No,no,ofcoursenot,”shesaid,stirringtheleaveswithherhand.“Butyoudon’tunderstandme,William—” “Helpmetounderstandyou—” “Youdon’tunderstand,Imean,myrealfeelingshowcouldyou?I’veonlynowfacedthemmyself.ButIhaven’tgotthesortoffeeling—love,Imean—Idon’tknowwhattocallit”—shelookedvaguelytowardsthehorizonsunkundermist—“but,anyhow,withoutitourmarriagewouldbeafarce—” “Howafarce?”heasked.“Butthiskindofanalysisisdisastrous!”heexclaimed. “Ishouldhavedoneitbefore,”shesaidgloomily. “Youmakeyourselfthinkthingsyoudon’tthink,”hecontinued,becomingdemonstrativewithhishands,ashismannerwas.“Believeme,Katharine,beforewecameherewewereperfectlyhappy.Youwerefullofplansforourhouse—thechair-covers,don’tyouremember?—likeanyotherwomanwhoisabouttobemarried.Now,fornoreasonwhatever,youbegintofretaboutyourfeelingandaboutmyfeeling,withtheusualresult.Iassureyou,Katharine,I’vebeenthroughitallmyself.AtonetimeIwasalwaysaskingmyselfabsurdquestionswhichcametonothingeither.Whatyouwant,ifImaysayso,issomeoccupationtotakeyououtofyourselfwhenthismorbidmoodcomeson.Ifithadn’tbeenformypoetry,Iassureyou,Ishouldoftenhavebeenverymuchinthesamestatemyself.Toletyouintoasecret,”hecontinued,withhislittlechuckle,whichnowsoundedalmostassured,“I’veoftengonehomefromseeingyouinsuchastateofnervesthatIhadtoforcemyselftowriteapageortwobeforeIcouldgetyououtofmyhead.AskDenhamhe’lltellyouhowhemetmeonenighthe’lltellyouwhatastatehefoundmein.” KatharinestartedwithdispleasureatthementionofRalph’sname.ThethoughtoftheconversationinwhichherconducthadbeenmadeasubjectfordiscussionwithDenhamrousedherangerbut,assheinstantlyfelt,shehadscarcelytherighttogrudgeWilliamanyuseofhername,seeingwhatherfaultagainsthimhadbeenfromfirsttolast.AndyetDenham!Shehadaviewofhimasajudge.Shefiguredhimsternlyweighinginstancesofherlevityinthismasculinecourtofinquiryintofemininemoralityandgrufflydismissingbothherandherfamilywithsomehalf-sarcastic,half-tolerantphrasewhichsealedherdoom,asfarashewasconcerned,forever.Havingmethimsolately,thesenseofhischaracterwasstronginher.Thethoughtwasnotapleasantoneforaproudwoman,butshehadyettolearntheartofsubduingherexpression.Hereyesfixedupontheground,herbrowsdrawntogether,gaveWilliamaveryfairpictureoftheresentmentthatshewasforcingherselftocontrol.Acertaindegreeofapprehension,occasionallyculminatinginakindoffear,hadalwaysenteredintohisloveforher,andhadincreased,rathertohissurprise,inthegreaterintimacyoftheirengagement.Beneathhersteady,exemplarysurfaceranaveinofpassionwhichseemedtohimnowperverse,nowcompletelyirrational,foritnevertookthenormalchannelofglorificationofhimandhisdoingsand,indeed,healmostpreferredthesteadygoodsense,whichhadalwaysmarkedtheirrelationship,toamoreromanticbond.Butpassionshehad,hecouldnotdenyit,andhithertohehadtriedtoseeitemployedinhisthoughtsuponthelivesofthechildrenwhoweretobeborntothem. “Shewillmakeaperfectmother—amotherofsons,”hethoughtbutseeinghersittingthere,gloomyandsilent,hebegantohavehisdoubtsonthispoint.“Afarce,afarce,”hethoughttohimself.“Shesaidthatourmarriagewouldbeafarce,”andhebecamesuddenlyawareoftheirsituation,sittingupontheground,amongthedeadleaves,notfiftyyardsfromthemainroad,sothatitwasquitepossibleforsomeonepassingtoseeandrecognizethem.Hebrushedoffhisfaceanytracethatmightremainofthatunseemlyexhibitionofemotion.ButhewasmoretroubledbyKatharine’sappearance,asshesatraptinthoughtupontheground,thanbyhisowntherewassomethingimpropertohiminherself-forgetfulness.Amannaturallyalivetotheconventionsofsociety,hewasstrictlyconventionalwherewomenwereconcerned,andespeciallyifthewomenhappenedtobeinanywayconnectedwithhim.Henoticedwithdistressthelongstrandofdarkhairtouchinghershoulderandtwoorthreedeadbeech-leavesattachedtoherdressbuttorecallhermindintheirpresentcircumstancestoasenseofthesedetailswasimpossible.Shesatthere,seemingunconsciousofeverything.Hesuspectedthatinhersilenceshewasreproachingherselfbuthewishedthatshewouldthinkofherhairandofthedeadbeech-leaves,whichwereofmoreimmediateimportancetohimthananythingelse.Indeed,thesetriflesdrewhisattentionstrangelyfromhisowndoubtfulanduneasystateofmindforrelief,mixingitselfwithpain,stirredupamostcurioushurryandtumultinhisbreast,almostconcealinghisfirstsharpsenseofbleakandoverwhelmingdisappointment.Inordertorelievethisrestlessnessandcloseadistressinglyill-orderedscene,heroseabruptlyandhelpedKatharinetoherfeet.Shesmiledalittleattheminutecarewithwhichhetidiedherandyet,whenhebrushedthedeadleavesfromhisowncoat,sheflinched,seeinginthatactionthegestureofalonelyman. “William,”shesaid,“Iwillmarryyou.Iwilltrytomakeyouhappy.”