CHAPTER II. TREATS OF OLIVER TWIST’S GROWTH, EDUCATION, AND BOARD

Forthenexteightortenmonths,Oliverwasthevictimofasystematiccourseoftreacheryanddeception.Hewasbroughtupbyhand.Thehungryanddestitutesituationoftheinfantorphanwasdulyreportedbytheworkhouseauthoritiestotheparishauthorities.Theparishauthoritiesinquiredwithdignityoftheworkhouseauthorities,whethertherewasnofemalethendomiciledin“thehouse”whowasinasituationtoimparttoOliverTwist,theconsolationandnourishmentofwhichhestoodinneed.Theworkhouseauthoritiesrepliedwithhumility,thattherewasnot.Uponthis,theparishauthoritiesmagnanimouslyandhumanelyresolved,thatOlivershouldbe“farmed,”or,inotherwords,thatheshouldbedispatchedtoabranch-workhousesomethreemilesoff,wheretwentyorthirtyotherjuvenileoffendersagainstthepoor-laws,rolledaboutthefloorallday,withouttheinconvenienceoftoomuchfoodortoomuchclothing,undertheparentalsuperintendenceofanelderlyfemale,whoreceivedtheculpritsatandfortheconsiderationofsevenpence-halfpennypersmallheadperweek.Sevenpence-halfpenny’sworthperweekisagoodrounddietforachildagreatdealmaybegotforsevenpence-halfpenny,quiteenoughtooverloaditsstomach,andmakeituncomfortable.Theelderlyfemalewasawomanofwisdomandexperiencesheknewwhatwasgoodforchildrenandshehadaveryaccurateperceptionofwhatwasgoodforherself.So,sheappropriatedthegreaterpartoftheweeklystipendtoherownuse,andconsignedtherisingparochialgenerationtoevenashorterallowancethanwasoriginallyprovidedforthem.Therebyfindinginthelowestdepthadeeperstillandprovingherselfaverygreatexperimentalphilosopher. Everybodyknowsthestoryofanotherexperimentalphilosopherwhohadagreattheoryaboutahorsebeingabletolivewithouteating,andwhodemonstrateditsowell,thathehadgothisownhorsedowntoastrawaday,andwouldunquestionablyhaverenderedhimaveryspiritedandrampaciousanimalonnothingatall,ifhehadnotdied,four-and-twentyhoursbeforehewastohavehadhisfirstcomfortablebaitofair.UnfortunatelyfortheexperimentalphilosophyofthefemaletowhoseprotectingcareOliverTwistwasdeliveredover,asimilarresultusuallyattendedtheoperationofhersystemforattheverymomentwhenthechildhadcontrivedtoexistuponthesmallestpossibleportionoftheweakestpossiblefood,itdidperverselyhappenineightandahalfcasesoutoften,eitherthatitsickenedfromwantandcold,orfellintothefirefromneglect,orgothalf-smotheredbyaccidentinanyoneofwhichcases,themiserablelittlebeingwasusuallysummonedintoanotherworld,andtheregatheredtothefathersithadneverknowninthis. Occasionally,whentherewassomemorethanusuallyinterestinginquestuponaparishchildwhohadbeenoverlookedinturningupabedstead,orinadvertentlyscaldedtodeathwhentherehappenedtobeawashing—thoughthelatteraccidentwasveryscarce,anythingapproachingtoawashingbeingofrareoccurrenceinthefarm—thejurywouldtakeitintotheirheadstoasktroublesomequestions,ortheparishionerswouldrebelliouslyaffixtheirsignaturestoaremonstrance.Buttheseimpertinenceswerespeedilycheckedbytheevidenceofthesurgeon,andthetestimonyofthebeadletheformerofwhomhadalwaysopenedthebodyandfoundnothinginside(whichwasveryprobableindeed),andthelatterofwhominvariablysworewhatevertheparishwantedwhichwasveryself-devotional.Besides,theboardmadeperiodicalpilgrimagestothefarm,andalwayssentthebeadlethedaybefore,tosaytheyweregoing.Thechildrenwereneatandcleantobehold,whentheywentandwhatmorewouldthepeoplehave! Itcannotbeexpectedthatthissystemoffarmingwouldproduceanyveryextraordinaryorluxuriantcrop.OliverTwist’sninthbirthdayfoundhimapalethinchild,somewhatdiminutiveinstature,anddecidedlysmallincircumference.ButnatureorinheritancehadimplantedagoodsturdyspiritinOliver’sbreast.Ithadhadplentyofroomtoexpand,thankstothesparedietoftheestablishmentandperhapstothiscircumstancemaybeattributedhishavinganyninthbirth-dayatall.Bethisasitmay,however,itwashisninthbirthdayandhewaskeepingitinthecoal-cellarwithasele