CHAPTER II

efore.Butnow,atlast,asorrowhadcome—thesorrowofoldage,whichsuffersthemorefromthecrushingofitsprideanditshopes,inproportionastheprideandhopearenarrowandprosaic.Hissonwastohavebeenmarriedsoon—wouldprobablyhavestoodfortheboroughatthenextelection.Thatson’sexistencewasthebestmotivethatcouldbeallegedformakingnewpurchasesoflandeveryyeartoroundofftheestate.Itisadrearythingontoliveondoingthesamethingsyearafteryear,withoutknowingwhywedothem.Perhapsthetragedyofdisappointedyouthandpassionislesspiteousthanthetragedyofdisappointedageandworldliness. AsIsawintothedesolationofmyfather’sheart,Ifeltamovementofdeeppitytowardshim,whichwasthebeginningofanewaffection—anaffectionthatgrewandstrengthenedinspiteofthestrangebitternesswithwhichheregardedmeinthefirstmonthortwoaftermybrother’sdeath.Ifithadnotbeenforthesofteninginfluenceofmycompassionforhim—thefirstdeepcompassionIhadeverfelt—Ishouldhavebeenstungbytheperceptionthatmyfathertransferredtheinheritanceofaneldestsontomewithamortifiedsensethatfatehadcompelledhimtotheunwelcomecourseofcaringformeasanimportantbeing.Itwasonlyinspiteofhimselfthathebegantothinkofmewithanxiousregard.Thereishardlyanyneglectedchildforwhomdeathhasmadevacantamorefavouredplace,whowillnotunderstandwhatImean. Gradually,however,mynewdeferencetohiswishes,theeffectofthatpatiencewhichwasbornofmypityforhim,wonuponhisaffection,andhebegantopleasehimselfwiththeendeavourtomakemefillanybrother’splaceasfullyasmyfeeblerpersonalitywouldadmit.IsawthattheprospectwhichbyandbypresenteditselfofmybecomingBertha’shusbandwaswelcometohim,andheevencontemplatedinmycasewhathehadnotintendedinmybrother’s—thathissonanddaughter-in-lawshouldmakeonehouseholdwithhim.MysoftenedfeelingstowardsmyfathermadethisthehappiesttimeIhadknownsincechildhood—theselastmonthsinwhichIretainedthedeliciousillusionoflovingBertha,oflonginganddoubtingandhopingthatshemightloveme.Shebehavedwithacertainnewconsciousnessanddistancetowardsmeaftermybrother’sdeathandItoowasunderadoubleconstraint—thatofdelicacytowardsmybrother’smemoryandofanxietyastotheimpressionmyabruptwordshadleftonhermind.Buttheadditionalscreenthismutualreserveerectedbetweenusonlybroughtmemorecompletelyunderherpower:nomatterhowemptytheadytum,sothattheveilbethickenough.Soabsoluteisoursoul’sneedofsomethinghiddenanduncertainforthemaintenanceofthatdoubtandhopeandeffortwhicharethebreathofitslife,thatifthewholefuturewerelaidbaretousbeyondto-day,theinterestofallmankindwouldbebentonthehoursthatliebetweenweshouldpantaftertheuncertaintiesofouronemorningandouroneafternoonweshouldrushfiercelytotheExchangeforourlastpossibilityofspeculation,ofsuccess,ofdisappointment:weshouldhaveaglutofpoliticalprophetsforetellingacrisisorano-crisiswithintheonlytwenty-fourhoursleftopentoprophecy.Conceivetheconditionofthehumanmindifallpropositionswhatsoeverwereself-evidentexceptone,whichwastobecomeself-evidentatthecloseofasummer’sday,butinthemeantimemightbethesubjectofquestion,ofhypothesis,ofdebate.Artandphilosophy,literatureandscience,wouldfastenlikebeesonthatonepropositionwhichhadthehoneyofprobabilityinit,andbethemoreeagerbecausetheirenjoymentwouldendwithsunset.Ourimpulses,ourspiritualactivities,nomoreadjustthemselvestotheideaoftheirfuturenullity,thanthebeatingofourheart,ortheirritabilityofourmuscles. Bertha,theslim,fair-hairedgirl,whosepresentthoughtsandemotionswereanenigmatomeamidstthefatiguingobviousnessoftheothermindsaroundme,wasasabsorbingtomeasasingleunknownto-day—asasinglehypotheticpropositiontoremainproblematictillsunsetandallthecramped,hemmed-inbeliefanddisbelief,trustanddistrust,ofmynature,welledoutinthisonenarrowchannel. Andshemademebelievethatshelovedme.Withouteverquittinghertoneofbadinageandplayfulsuperiority,sheintoxicatedmewiththesensethatIwasnecessarytoher,thatshewasneveratease,unlessIwasnearher,submittingtoherplayfultyranny.Itcostsawomansolittleefforttobesetusinthisway!Ahalf-repressedword,amoment’sunexpectedsilence,evenaneasyfitofpetulanceonouraccount,willserveusashashishforalongwhile.Outofthesubtlestwebofscarcelyperceptiblesigns,shesetmeweavingthefancythatshehadalwaysunconsciouslylovedmebetterthanAlfred,butthat,withtheignorantflutteredsensibilityofayounggirl,shehadbeenimposedonbythecharmthatlayforherinthedistinctionofbeingadmiredandchosenbyamanwhomadesobrilliantafigureintheworldasmybrother.Shesatirizedherselfinaverygracefulwayforhervanityandambition.WhatwasittomethatIhadthelightofmywretchedprovisiononthefactthatnowitwasIwhopossessedatleastallbutthepersonalpartofmybrother’sadvantages?Oursweetillusionsarehalfofthemconsciousillusions,likeeffectsofcolourthatweknowtobemadeupoftinsel,brokenglass,andrags. WeweremarriedeighteenmonthsafterAlfred’sdeath,onecold,clearmorninginApril,whentherecamehailandsunshinebothtogetherandBertha,inherwhitesilkandpale-greenleaves,andthepalehuesofherhairandface,lookedlikethespiritofthemorning.Myfatherwashappierthanhehadthoughtofbeingagain:mymarriage,hefeltsure,wouldcompletethedesirablemodificationofmycharacter,andmakemepracticalandworldlyenoughtotakemyplaceinsocietyamongsanemen.ForhedelightedinBertha’stactandacuteness,andfeltsureshewouldbemistressofme,andmakemewhatshechose:Iwasonlytwenty-one,andmadlyinlovewithher.Poorfather!Hekeptthathopealittlewhileafterourfirstyearofmarriage,anditwasnotquiteextinctwhenparalysiscameandsavedhimfromutterdisappointment. Ishallhurrythroughtherestofmystory,notdwellingsomuchasIhavehithertodoneonmyinwardexperience.Whenpeoplearewellknowntoeachother,theytalkratherofwhatbefallsthemexternally,leavingtheirfeelingsandsentimentstobeinferred. Welivedinaroundofvisitsforsometimeafterourreturnhome,givingsplendiddinner-parties,andmakingasensationinourneighbourhoodbythenewlustreofourequipage,formyfatherhadreservedthisdisplayofhisincreasedwealthfortheperiodofhisson’smarriageandwegaveouracquaintancesliberalopportunityforremarkingthatitwasapityImadesopoorafigureasanheirandabridegroom.Thenervousfatigueofthisexistence,theinsinceritiesandplatitudeswhichIhadtolivethroughtwiceover—throughmyinnerandoutwardsense—wouldhavebeenmaddeningtome,ifIhadnothadthatsortofintoxicatedcallousnesswhichcamefromthedelightsofafirstpassion.Abrideandbridegroom,surroundedbyalltheappliancesofwealth,hurriedthroughthedaybythewhirlofsociety,fillingtheirsolitarymomentswithhastily-snatchedcaresses,arepreparedfortheirfuturelifetogetherasthenoviceispreparedforthecloister—byexperiencingitsutmostcontrast. Throughallthesecrowdedexcitedmonths,Bertha’sinwardselfremainedshroudedfromme,andIstillreadherthoughtsonlythroughthelanguageofherlipsanddemeanour:IhadstillthehumaninterestofwonderingwhetherwhatIdidandsaidpleasedher,oflongingtohearawordofaffection,ofgivingadeliciousexaggerationofmeaningtohersmile.ButIwasconsciousofagrowingdifferenceinhermannertowardsmesometimesstrongenoughtobecalledhaughtycoldness,cuttingandchillingmeasthehailhaddonethatcameacrossthesunshineonourmarriagemorningsometimesonlyperceptibleinthedexterousavoidanceofatête-à-têtewalkordinnertowhichIhadbeenlookingforward.Ihadbeendeeplypainedbythis—hadevenfeltasortofcrushingoftheheart,fromthesensethatmybriefdayofhappinesswasnearitssettingbutstillIremaineddependentonBertha,eagerforthelastraysofablissthatwouldsoonbegoneforever,hopingandwatchingforsomeafter-glowmorebeautifulfromtheimpendingnight. Iremember—howshouldInotremember?—thetimewhenthatdependenceandhopeutterlyleftme,whenthesadnessIhadfeltinBertha’sgrowingestrangementbecameajoythatIlookedbackuponwithlongingasamanmightlookbackonthelastpainsinaparalysedlimb.Itwasjustafterthecloseofmyfather’slastillness,whichhadnecessarilywithdrawnusfromsocietyandthrownusmoreoneachother.Itwastheeveningoffather’sdeath.OnthateveningtheveilwhichhadshroudedBertha’ssoulfromme—hadmademefindinheraloneamongmyfellow-beingstheblessedpossibilityofmystery,anddoubt,andexpectation—wasfirstwithdrawn.Perhapsitwasthefirstdaysincethebeginningofmypassionforher,inwhichthatpassi