CHAPTER IV "It's Just the very Biggest Thing in the World"

HardlywasitshutwhenMrs.Challengerdartedoutfromthedining-room.Thesmallwomanwasinafurioustemper.Shebarredherhusband'swaylikeanenragedchickeninfrontofabulldog.Itwasevidentthatshehadseenmyexit,buthadnotobservedmyreturn. "Youbrute,George!"shescreamed."You'vehurtthatniceyoungman." Hejerkedbackwardswithhisthumb. "Hereheis,safeandsoundbehindme." Shewasconfused,butnotundulyso. "Iamsosorry,Ididn'tseeyou." "Iassureyou,madam,thatitisallright." "Hehasmarkedyourpoorface!Oh,George,whatabruteyouare!Nothingbutscandalsfromoneendoftheweektotheother.Everyonehatingandmakingfunofyou.You'vefinishedmypatience.Thisendsit." "Dirtylinen,"herumbled. "It'snotasecret,"shecried."Doyousupposethatthewholestreet—thewholeofLondon,forthatmatter——Getaway,Austin,wedon'twantyouhere.Doyousupposetheydon'talltalkaboutyou?Whereisyourdignity?You,amanwhoshouldhavebeenRegiusProfessoratagreatUniversitywithathousandstudentsallreveringyou.Whereisyourdignity,George?" "Howaboutyours,mydear?" "Youtrymetoomuch.Aruffian—acommonbrawlingruffian—that'swhatyouhavebecome." "Begood,Jessie." "Aroaring,ragingbully!" "That'sdoneit!Stoolofpenance!"saidhe. Tomyamazementhestooped,pickedherup,andplacedhersittinguponahighpedestalofblackmarbleintheangleofthehall.Itwasatleastsevenfeethigh,andsothinthatshecouldhardlybalanceuponit.Amoreabsurdobjectthanshepresentedcockeduptherewithherfaceconvulsedwithanger,herfeetdangling,andherbodyrigidforfearofanupset,Icouldnotimagine. "Letmedown!"shewailed. "Say'please.'" "Youbrute,George!Letmedownthisinstant!" "Comeintothestudy,Mr.Malone." "Really,sir——!"saidI,lookingatthelady. "Here'sMr.Malonepleadingforyou,Jessie.Say'please,'anddownyoucome." "Oh,youbrute!Please!please!" Hetookherdownasifshehadbeenacanary. "Youmustbehaveyourself,dear.Mr.MaloneisaPressman.Hewillhaveitallinhisragto-morrow,andsellanextradozenamongourneighbors.'Strangestoryofhighlife'—youfeltfairlyhighonthatpedestal,didyounot?Thenasub-title,'Glimpseofasingularmenage.'He'safoulfeeder,isMr.Malone,acarrioneater,likeallofhiskind—porcusexgregediaboli—aswinefromthedevil'sherd.That'sit,Malone—what?" "Youarereallyintolerable!"saidI,hotly. Hebellowedwithlaughter. "Weshallhaveacoalitionpresently,"heboomed,lookingfromhiswifetomeandpuffingouthisenormouschest.Then,suddenlyalteringhistone,"Excusethisfrivolousfamilybadinage,Mr.Malone.Icalledyoubackforsomemoreseriouspurposethantomixyouupwithourlittledomesticpleasantries.Runaway,littlewoman,anddon'tfret."Heplacedahugehanduponeachofhershoulders."Allthatyousayisperfectlytrue.IshouldbeabettermanifIdidwhatyouadvise,butIshouldn'tbequiteGeorgeEdwardChallenger.Thereareplentyofbettermen,mydear,butonlyoneG.E.C.Somakethebestofhim."Hesuddenlygaveheraresoundingkiss,whichembarrassedmeevenmorethanhisviolencehaddone."Now,Mr.Malone,"hecontinued,withagreataccessionofdignity,"thisway,ifYOUplease." Were-enteredtheroomwhichwehadleftsotumultuouslytenminutesbefore.TheProfessorclosedthedoorcarefullybehindus,motionedmeintoanarm-chair,andpushedacigar-boxundermynose. "RealSanJuanColorado,"hesaid."Excitablepeoplelikeyouarethebetterfornarcotics.Heavens!don'tbiteit!Cut—andcutwithreverence!Nowleanback,andlistenattentivelytowhateverImaycaretosaytoyou.Ifanyremarkshouldoccurtoyou,youcanreserveitforsomemoreopportunetime. "Firstofall,astoyourreturntomyhouseafteryourmostjustifiableexpulsion"—heprotrudedhisbeard,andstaredatmeasonewhochallengesandinvitescontradiction—"after,asIsay,yourwell-meritedexpulsion.Thereasonlayinyouranswertothatmostofficiouspoliceman,inwhichIseemedtodiscernsomeglimmeringofgoodfeelinguponyourpart—more,atanyrate,thanIamaccustomedtoassociatewithyourprofession.Inadmittingthatthefaultoftheincidentlaywithyou,yougavesomeevidenceofacertainmentaldetachmentandbreadthofviewwhichattractedmyfavorablenotice.Thesub-speciesofthehumanracetowhichyouunfortunatelybelonghasalwaysbeenbelowmymentalhorizon.Yourwordsbroughtyousuddenlyaboveit.Youswamupintomyseriousnotice.ForthisreasonIaskedyoutoreturnwithme,asIwasmindedtomakeyourfurtheracquaintance.YouwillkindlydeposityourashinthesmallJapanesetrayonthebambootablewhichstandsatyourleftelbow." Allthisheboomedforthlikeaprofessoraddressinghisclass.Hehadswungroundhisrevolvingchairsoastofaceme,andhesatallpuffedoutlikeanenormousbull-frog,hisheadlaidbackandhiseyeshalf-coveredbysuperciliouslids.Nowhesuddenlyturnedhimselfsideways,andallIcouldseeofhimwastangledhairwithared,protrudingear.Hewasscratchingaboutamongthelitterofpapersuponhisdesk.Hefacedmepresentlywithwhatlookedlikeaverytatteredsketch-bookinhishand. "IamgoingtotalktoyouaboutSouthAmerica,"saidhe."Nocommentsifyouplease.Firstofall,IwishyoutounderstandthatnothingItellyounowistoberepeatedinanypublicwayunlessyouhavemyexpresspermission.Thatpermissionwill,inallhumanprobability,neverbegiven.Isthatclear?" "Itisveryhard,"saidI."Surelyajudiciousaccount——" Hereplacedthenotebookuponthetable. "Thatendsit,"saidhe."Iwishyouaverygoodmorning." "No,no!"Icried."Isubmittoanyconditions.SofarasIcansee,Ihavenochoice." "Noneintheworld,"said