CHAPTER XXII

em—theywerenothingtome.Iconsideredthemonlyassomethingtobeglancedatfromadistancetheirdressesandfaceswereoftenpleasingenoughtotheeye:butIcouldnotunderstandtheirconversation,norevenreadtheircountenances.WhenIcaughtsnatchesofwhattheysaid,Icouldnevermakemuchofitandtheplayoftheirlipsandeyesdidnothelpmeatall.” “Thatwasyourfault,nottheirs.Therearesensible,aswellashandsomewomeninX——womenitisworthanyman’swhiletotalkto,andwithwhomIcantalkwithpleasure:butyouhadandhavenopleasantaddressthereisnothinginyoutoinduceawomantobeaffable.Ihaveremarkedyousittingnearthedoorinaroomfullofcompany,bentonhearing,notonspeakingonobserving,notonentertaininglookingfrigidlyshyatthecommencementofaparty,confusinglyvigilantaboutthemiddle,andinsultinglywearytowardstheend.Isthattheway,doyouthink,evertocommunicatepleasureorexciteinterest?Noandifyouaregenerallyunpopular,itisbecauseyoudeservetobeso.” “Content!”Iejaculated. “No,youarenotcontentyouseebeautyalwaysturningitsbackonyouyouaremortifiedandthenyousneer.Iverilybelieveallthatisdesirableonearth—wealth,reputation,love—willforevertoyoubetheripegrapesonthehightrellis:you’lllookupatthemtheywilltantalizeinyouthelustoftheeyebuttheyareoutofreach:youhavenottheaddresstofetchaladder,andyou’llgoawaycallingthemsour.” Cuttingasthesewordsmighthavebeenundersomecircumstances,theydrewnobloodnow.MylifewaschangedmyexperiencehadbeenvariedsinceIleftX——,butHunsdencouldnotknowthishehadseenmeonlyinthecharacterofMr.Crimsworth’sclerk—adependantamongstwealthystrangers,meetingdisdainwithahardfront,consciousofanunsocialandunattractiveexterior,refusingtosuefornoticewhichIwassurewouldbewithheld,decliningtoevinceanadmirationwhichIknewwouldbescornedasworthless.HecouldnotbeawarethatsincethenyouthandlovelinesshadbeentomeeverydayobjectsthatIhadstudiedthematleisureandclosely,andhadseentheplaintextureoftruthundertheembroideryofappearancenorcouldhe,keen-sightedashewas,penetrateintomyheart,searchmybrain,andreadmypeculiarsympathiesandantipathieshehadnotknownmelongenough,orwellenough,toperceivehowlowmyfeelingswouldebbundersomeinfluences,powerfulovermostmindshowhigh,howfasttheywouldflowunderotherinfluences,thatperhapsactedwiththemoreintenseforceonme,becausetheyactedonmealone.NeithercouldhesuspectforaninstantthehistoryofmycommunicationswithMdlle.Reutersecrettohimandtoallotherswasthetaleofherstrangeinfatuationherblandishments,herwileshadbeenseenbutbyme,andtomeonlyweretheyknownbuttheyhadchangedme,fortheyhadprovedthatICOULDimpress.Asweetersecretnestleddeeperinmyheartonefulloftendernessandasfullofstrength:ittookthestingoutofHunsden’ssarcasmitkeptmeunbentbyshame,andunstirredbywrath.ButofallthisIcouldsaynothing—nothingdecisiveatleastuncertaintysealedmylips,andduringtheintervalofsilencebywhichaloneIrepliedtoMr.Hunsden,Imadeupmymindtobeforthepresentwhollymisjudgedbyhim,andmisjudgedIwashethoughthehadbeenrathertooharduponme,andthatIwascrushedbytheweightofhisupbraidingssotore-assuremehesaid,doubtlessIshouldmendsomedayIwasonlyatthebeginningoflifeyetandsincehappilyIwasnotquitewithoutsense,everyfalsestepImadewouldbeagoodlesson. JustthenIturnedmyfacealittletothelighttheapproachoftwilight,andmypositioninthewindow-seat,had,forthelasttenminutes,preventedhimfromstudyingmycountenanceasImoved,however,hecaughtanexpressionwhichhethusinterpreted:— “Confoundit!Howdoggedlyself-approvingtheladlooks!Ithoughthewasfittodiewithshame,andtherehesitsgrinningsmiles,asgoodastosay,‘Lettheworldwagasitwill,I’vethephilosopher’sstoneinmywaist-coatpocket,andtheelixiroflifeinmycupboardI’mindependentofbothFateandFortune.’” “Hunsden—youspokeofgrapesIwasthinkingofafruitIlikebetterthanyourX——hot-housegrapes—anuniquefruit,growingwild,whichIhavemarkedasmyown,andhopeonedaytogatherandtaste.Itisofnouseyourofferingmethedraughtofbitterness,orthreateningmewithdeathbythirst:IhavetheanticipationofsweetnessonmypalatethehopeoffreshnessonmylipsIcanrejecttheunsavoury,andenduretheexhausting.” “Forhowlong?” “Tillthenextopportunityforeffortandastheprizeofsuccesswillbeatreasureaftermyownheart,I’llbringabull’sstrengthtothestruggle.” “Badluckcrushesbullsaseasilyasbullacesand,Ibelieve,thefurydogsyou:youwerebornwithawoodenspooninyourmouth,dependonit.” “IbelieveyouandImeantomakemywoodenspoondotheworkofsomepeople’ssilverladles:graspedfirmly,andhandlednimbly,evenawoodenspoonwillshovelupbroth.” Hunsdenrose:“Isee,”saidhe“Isupposeyou’reoneofthosewhodevelopbestunwatched,andactbestunaided—workyourownway.Now,I’llgo.”And,withoutanotherword,hewasgoingatthedoorheturned:— “CrimsworthHallissold,”saidhe. “Sold!”wasmyecho. “Yesyouknow,ofcourse,thatyourbrotherfailedthreemonthsago?” “What!EdwardCrimsworth?” “Preciselyandhiswifewenthometoherfather’swhenaffairswentawry,histempersympathizedwiththemheusedherillItoldyouhewouldbeatyranttohersomedayastohim—” “Ay,astohim—whatisbecomeofhim?” “Nothingextraordinary—don’tbealarmedheputhimselfundertheprotectionofthecourt,compoundedwit