CHAPTER IV.

Nomanlikestoacknowledgethathehasmadeamistakeinthechoiceofhisprofession,andeveryman,worthyofthename,willrowlongagainstwindandtidebeforeheallowshimselftocryout,“Iambaffled!”andsubmitstobefloatedpassivelybacktoland.FromthefirstweekofmyresidenceinX——Ifeltmyoccupationirksome.Thethingitself—theworkofcopyingandtranslatingbusiness-letters—wasadryandtedioustaskenough,buthadthatbeenall,IshouldlonghavebornewiththenuisanceIamnotofanimpatientnature,andinfluencedbythedoubledesireofgettingmylivingandjustifyingtomyselfandotherstheresolutionIhadtakentobecomeatradesman,IshouldhaveenduredinsilencetherustandcrampofmybestfacultiesIshouldnothavewhispered,eveninwardly,thatIlongedforlibertyIshouldhavepentineverysighbywhichmyheartmighthaveventuredtointimateitsdistressunderthecloseness,smoke,monotonyandjoylesstumultofBigbenClose,anditspantingdesireforfreerandfresherscenesIshouldhavesetuptheimageofDuty,thefetishofPerseverance,inmysmallbedroomatMrs.King’slodgings,andtheytwoshouldhavebeenmyhouseholdgods,fromwhichmydarling,mycherished-in-secret,Imagination,thetenderandthemighty,shouldnever,eitherbysoftnessorstrength,haveseveredme.Butthiswasnotalltheantipathywhichhadsprungupbetweenmyselfandmyemployerstrikingdeeperrootandspreadingdensershadedaily,excludedmefromeveryglimpseofthesunshineoflifeandIbegantofeellikeaplantgrowinginhumiddarknessoutoftheslimywallsofawell. AntipathyistheonlywordwhichcanexpressthefeelingEdwardCrimsworthhadforme—afeeling,inagreatmeasure,involuntary,andwhichwasliabletobeexcitedbyevery,themosttriflingmovement,look,orwordofmine.Mysouthernaccentannoyedhimthedegreeofeducationevincedinmylanguageirritatedhimmypunctuality,industry,andaccuracy,fixedhisdislike,andgaveitthehighflavourandpoignantrelishofenvyhefearedthatItooshouldonedaymakeasuccessfultradesman.HadIbeeninanythinginferiortohim,hewouldnothavehatedmesothoroughly,butIknewallthatheknew,and,whatwasworse,hesuspectedthatIkeptthepadlockofsilenceonmentalwealthinwhichhewasnosharer.Ifhecouldhaveonceplacedmeinaridiculousormortifyingposition,hewouldhaveforgivenmemuch,butIwasguardedbythreefaculties—Caution,Tact,ObservationandprowlingandpryingaswasEdward’smalignity,itcouldneverbafflethelynx-eyesofthese,mynaturalsentinels.Daybydaydidhismalicewatchmytact,hopingitwouldsleep,andpreparedtostealsnake-likeonitsslumberbuttact,ifitbegenuine,neversleeps. Ihadreceivedmyfirstquarter’swages,andwasreturningtomylodgings,possessedheartandsoulwiththepleasantfeelingthatthemasterwhohadpaidmegrudgedeverypennyofthathard-earnedpittance—(IhadlongceasedtoregardMr.Crimsworthasmybrother—hewasahard,grindingmasterhewishedtobeaninexorabletyrant:thatwasall).Thoughts,notvariedbutstrong,occupiedmymindtwovoicesspokewithinmeagainandagaintheyutteredthesamemonotonousphrases.Onesaid:“William,yourlifeisintolerable.”Theother:“Whatcanyoudotoalterit?”Iwalkedfast,foritwasacold,frostynightinJanuaryasIapproachedmylodgings,Iturnedfromageneralviewofmyaffairstotheparticularspeculationastowhethermyfirewouldbeoutlookingtowardsthewindowofmysitting-room,Isawnocheeringredgleam. “Thatslutofaserv