Chapter XXXV
關燈
小
中
大
obealone.”
MissGloverwassilentforaminute,cryingaudibly.
“ShallIwaitdownstairs?Youcanringifyouwantme.Perhapsyou’llseemelater.”
Berthawishedtotellhertogoaway,butdarednot.
“Doasyoulike,”shesaid.
Therewassilenceagain,anunearthlysilencemoretryingthanhideousdin.Itwasasilencethattightenedthenervesandmadethemhorriblysensitive:onedarednotbreatheforfearofbreakingit.
AndonethoughtcametoBertha,assailingherlikeadeviltormenting.Shecriedoutinhorror,forthiswasmoreodiousthananythingitwassimplyintolerable.Shethrewherselfonherbedandburiedherfaceinherpillowtodriveitaway.Forshame,sheputherhandstoherearssoasnottoheartheinvisiblefiendsthatwhispereditsilently.
Shewasfree.
Shequailedbeforethethought,butcouldnotcrushit.“Hasitcometothis!”shemurmured.
Andthencamebacktherecollectionofthebeginningsofherlove.SherecalledthepassionthathadthrownherblindlyintoEdward’sarms,herbitterhumiliationwhensherealisedthathecouldnotrespondtoherardourherlovewasafireplayingineffectuallyuponarockofbasalt.Sherecalledthehatredwhichfollowedthedisillusion,andfinallytheindifference.Itwasthesameindifferencethatchilledherheartnow.
Herlifeseemedallwastedwhenshecomparedhermaddesireforhappinesswiththemiseryshehadactuallyendured.Bertha’smanyhopesstoodoutlikephantoms,andshelookedatthemdespairingly.Shehadexpectedsomuchandsecuredsolittle.Shefeltaterriblepainatherheartassheconsideredallshehadgonethrough.Herstrengthfellaway,andovercomebyherownself-pity,shesanktoherkneesandburstintotears.
“Oh,God!”shecried,“whathaveIdonethatIshouldhavebeensounhappy?”
Shesobbedaloud,notcaringtorestrainhergrief.MissGlover,goodsoul,waswaitingoutsidetheroomincaseBerthawantedher,cryingsilently.Sheknockedagainwhensheheardtheimpetuoussobswithin.
“Oh,Bertha,doletmein.You’retormentingyourselfsomuchmorebecauseyouwon’tseeanybody.”
Berthadraggedherselftoherfeetandundidthedoor.MissGloverentered,andthrowingoffallreserveinheroverwhelmingsympathy,claspedBerthatoherheart.
“Oh,mydear,mydear,it’sutterlydreadfulI’msosorryforyou.Idon’tknowwhattosay.Icanonlypray.”
Berthasobbedunrestrainedly—notbecauseEdwardwasdead.
“AllyouhavenowisGod,”saidMissGlover.
AtlastBerthatoreherselfawayanddriedhereyes.
“Don’ttryandbetoobrave,Bertha,”compassionatelysaidtheVicar’ssister.“Itwilldoyougoodtocry.Hewassuchagood,kindman,andhelovedyousodevotedly.”
Berthalookedatherinsilence.
“Imustbehorriblycruel,”shethought.
“DoyoumindifIstayhereto-night,dear,”addedMissGlover.“I’vesentwordtoCharles.”
“Oh,no,pleasedon’t.Ifyoucareforme,Fanny,letmebealone.Idon’twanttobeunkind,butIcan’tbeartoseeanyone.”
MissGloverwasdeeplypained.“Idon’twanttobeintheway.Ifyoureallywishmetogo,I’llgo.”
“IfeelifIcan’tbealone,Ishallgomad.”
“WouldyouliketoseeCharles?”
“No,dear.Don’tbeangry.Don’tthinkmeunkindorungrateful,butIwantnothingbuttobeleftentirelybymyself.”