CHAPTER XXI. REACTION.

isgoodangelappeasedwithfood,sweetandstrange,gatheredamongstgleaningangels,garneringtheirdew-whiteharvestinthefirstfreshhourofaheavenlydaytenderlyhassheassuagedtheinsufferablefearswhichweepawaylifeitself—kindlygivenresttodeadlyweariness—generouslylenthopeandimpulsetoparalyzeddespair.Divine,compassionate,succourableinfluence!WhenIbendthekneetootherthanGod,itshallbeatthywhiteandwingedfeet,beautifulonmountainoronplain.TempleshavebeenrearedtotheSun—altarsdedicatedtotheMoon.Oh,greaterglory!Totheeneitherhandsbuild,norlipsconsecrate:buthearts,throughages,arefaithfultothyworship.Adwellingthouhast,toowideforwalls,toohighfordome—atemplewhosefloorsarespace—riteswhosemysteriestranspireinpresence,tothekindling,theharmonyofworlds! Sovereigncomplete!thouhadst,forendurance,thygreatarmyofmartyrsforachievement,thychosenbandofworthies.Deityunquestioned,thineessencefoilsdecay! ThisdaughterofHeavenrememberedmeto-nightshesawmeweep,andshecamewithcomfort:“Sleep,”shesaid.“Sleep,sweetly—Igildthydreams!” Shekeptherword,andwatchedmethroughanight’srestbutatdawnReasonrelievedtheguard.Iawokewithasortofstarttherainwasdashingagainstthepanes,andthewindutteringapeevishcryatintervalsthenight-lampwasdyingontheblackcircularstandinthemiddleofthedormitory:dayhadalreadybroken.HowIpitythosewhommentalpainstunsinsteadofrousing!Thismorningthepangofwakingsnatchedmeoutofbedlikeahandwithagiant’sgripe.HowquicklyIdressedinthecoldoftherawdawn!HowdeeplyIdrankoftheice-coldwaterinmycarafe!Thiswasalwaysmycordial,towhich,likeotherdram-drinkers,Ihadeagerrecoursewhenunsettledbychagrin. Erelongthebellrangitsréveilléetothewholeschool.Beingdressed,Idescendedalonetotherefectory,wherethestovewaslitandtheairwaswarmthroughtherestofthehouseitwascold,withthenippingseverityofacontinentalwinter:thoughnowbutthebeginningofNovember,anorthwindhadthusearlybroughtawintryblightoverEurope:IremembertheblackstovespleasedmelittlewhenIfirstcamebutnowIbegantoassociatewiththemasenseofcomfort,andlikedthem,asinEnglandwelikeafireside. Sittingdownbeforethisdarkcomforter,Ipresentlyfellintoadeepargumentwithmyselfonlifeanditschances,ondestinyandherdecrees.Mymind,calmerandstrongernowthanlastnight,madeforitselfsomeimperiousrules,prohibitingunderdeadlypenaltiesallweakretrospectofhappinesspastcommandingapatientjourneyingthroughthewildernessofthepresent,enjoiningarelianceonfaith—awatchingofthecloudandpillarwhichsubduewhiletheyguide,andawewhiletheyillumine—hushingtheimpulsetofondidolatry,checkingthelongingout-lookforafar-offpromisedlandwhoseriversare,perhaps,nevertobe,reachedsaveindyingdreams,whosesweetpasturesaretobeviewedbutfromthedesolateandsepulchralsummitofaNebo. Bydegrees,acompositefeelingofblendedstrengthandpainwounditselfwirilyroundmyheart,sustained,oratleastrestrained,itsthrobbings,andmademefitfortheday’swork.Iliftedmyhead. AsIsaidbefore,Iwassittingnearthestove,letintothewallbeneaththerefectoryandthecarré,andthussufficingtoheatbothapartments.Piercingthesamewall,andclosebesidethestove,wasawindow,lookingalsointothecarréasIlookedupacap-tassel,abrow,twoeyes,filledapaneofthatwindowthefixedgazeofthosetwoeyeshitrightagainstmyownglance:theywerewatchingme.Ihadnottillthatmomentknownthattearswereonmycheek,butIfeltthemnow. Thiswasastrangehouse,wherenocornerwassacredfromintrusion,wherenotatearcouldbeshed,norathoughtpondered,butaspywasathandtonoteandtodivine.Andthisnew,thisout-door,thismalespy,whatbusinesshadbroughthimtothepremisesatthisunwontedhour?Whatpossiblerighthadhetointrudeonmethus?Nootherprofessorwouldhavedaredtocrossthecarrébeforetheclass-bellrang.M.Emanueltooknoaccountofhoursnorofclaims:therewassomebookofreferenceinthefirst-classlibrarywhichhehadoccasiontoconsulthehadcometoseekit:onhiswayhepassedtherefectory.Itwasverymuchhishabittoweareyesbefore,behind,andoneachsideofhim:hehadseenmethroughthelittlewindow—henowopenedtherefectorydoor,andtherehestood. “Mademoiselle,vousêtestriste.” “Monsieur,j’enaibienledroit.” “Vousêtesmaladedecoeuretd’humeur,”hepursued.“Youareatoncemournfulandmutinous.IseeonyourcheektwotearswhichIknowarehotastwosparks,andsaltastwocrystalsofthesea.WhileIspeakyoueyemestrangely.ShallItellyouofwhatIamremindedwhilewatchingyou?” “Monsieur,Ishallbecalledawaytoprayersshortlymytimeforconversationisveryscantandbriefatthishour—excuse——” “Iexcuseeverything,”heinterrupted“mymoodissomeek,neitherrebuffnor,perhaps,insultcouldruffleit.Youremindme,then,ofayoungshewildcreature,newcaught,untamed,viewingwithamixtureoffireandfearthefirstentranceofthebreaker-in.” Unwarrantableaccost!—rashandrudeifaddressedtoapupiltoateacherinadmissible.HethoughttoprovokeawarmreplyIhadseenhimvexthepassionatetoexplosionbeforenow.InmehismaliceshouldfindnogratificationIsatsilent. “Youlook,”saidhe,“likeonewhowouldsnatchatadraughtofsweetpoison,andspurnwholesomebitterswithdisgust.” “Indeed,IneverlikedbittersnordoIbelievethemwholesome.Andtowhateverissweet,beitpoisonorfood,youcannot,atleast,denyitsowndeliciousquality—sweetness.Better,perhaps,todiequicklyapleasantdeath,thandragonlongacharmlesslife.” “Yet,”saidhe,“youshouldtakeyourbitterdosedulyanddaily,ifIhadthepowertoadministeritand,astothewell-belovedpoison,Iwould,perhaps,breaktheverycupwhichheldit.” Isharplyturnedmyheadaway,partlybecausehispresenceutterlydispleasedme,andpartlybecauseIwishedtoshunquestions:lest,inmypresentmood,theeffortofansweringshouldovermasterself-command. “Come,”saidhe,moresoftly,“tellmethetruth—yougrieveatbeingpartedfromfriends—isitnotso?” Theinsinuatingsoftnesswasnotmoreacceptablethantheinquisitorialcuriosity.Iwassilent.Hecameintotheroom,satdownonthebenchabouttwoyardsfromme,andperseveredlong,and,forhim,patiently,inattemptstodrawmeintoconversation—attemptsnecessarilyunavailing,becauseIcouldnottalk.AtlastIentreatedtobeletalone.Inutteringtherequest,myvoicefaltered,myheadsankonmyarmsandthetable.Iweptbitterly,thoughquietly.Hesatawhilelonger.Ididnotlookupnorspeak,tilltheclosingdoorandhisretreatingsteptoldmethathewasgone.Thesetearsprovedarelief. Ihadtimetobathemyeyesbeforebreakfast,andIsupposeIappearedatthatmealassereneasanyotherperson:not,however,quiteasjocund-lookingastheyoungladywhoplacedherselfintheseatopposite