CHAPTER XV. THE LONG VACATION.

me?” Withoutansweringdirectly,hewenton,“Wereyounotgratifiedwhenyousucceededinthatvaudeville?Iwatchedyouandsawapassionateardourfortriumphinyourphysiognomy.Whatfireshotintotheglance!Notmerelight,butflame:jemetienspouraverti.” “WhatfeelingIhadonthatoccasion,Monsieur—andpardonme,ifIsay,youimmenselyexaggeratebothitsqualityandquantity—wasquiteabstract.Ididnotcareforthevaudeville.Ihatedthepartyouassignedme.Ihadnottheslightestsympathywiththeaudiencebelowthestage.Theyaregoodpeople,doubtless,butdoIknowthem?Aretheyanythingtome?CanIcareforbeingbroughtbeforetheirviewagainto-morrow?Willtheexaminationbeanythingbutatasktome—ataskIwishwellover?” “ShallItakeitoutofyourhands?” “Withallmyheartifyoudonotfearfailure.” “ButIshouldfail.IonlyknowthreephrasesofEnglish,andafewwords:parexemple,desonn,demone,destares—est-cebiendit?Myopinionisthatitwouldbebettertogiveupthethingaltogether:tohavenoEnglishexamination,eh?” “IfMadameconsents,Iconsent.” “Heartily?” “Veryheartily.” Hesmokedhiscigarinsilence.Heturnedsuddenly. “Donnez-moilamain,”saidhe,andthespiteandjealousymeltedoutofhisface,andagenerouskindlinessshonethereinstead. “Come,wewillnotberivals,wewillbefriends,”hepursued.“Theexaminationshalltakeplace,andIwillchooseagoodmomentandinsteadofvexingandhindering,asIfelthalf-inclinedtenminutesago—forIhavemymalevolentmoods:Ialwayshadfromchildhood—Iwillaidyousincerely.Afterall,youaresolitaryandastranger,andhaveyourwaytomakeandyourbreadtoearnitmaybewellthatyoushouldbecomeknown.Wewillbefriends:doyouagree?” “Outofmyheart,Monsieur.Iamgladofafriend.Ilikethatbetterthanatriumph.” “Pauvrette?”saidhe,andturnedawayandleftthealley. TheexaminationpassedoverwellM.Paulwasasgoodashisword,anddidhisbesttomakemyparteasy.Thenextdaycamethedistributionofprizesthatalsopassedtheschoolbrokeupthepupilswenthome,andnowbeganthelongvacation. Thatvacation!ShallIeverforgetit?Ithinknot.MadameBeckwent,thefirstdayoftheholidays,tojoinherchildrenatthesea-sideallthethreeteachershadparentsorfriendswithwhomtheytookrefugeeveryprofessorquittedthecitysomewenttoParis,sometoBoue-MarineM.PaulsetforthonapilgrimagetoRomethehousewasleftquiteempty,butforme,aservant,andapoordeformedandimbecilepupil,asortofcrétin,whomherstepmotherinadistantprovincewouldnotallowtoreturnhome. Myheartalmostdiedwithinmemiserablelongingsstraineditschords.HowlongweretheSeptemberdays!Howsilent,howlifeless!Howvastandvoidseemedthedesolatepremises!Howgloomytheforsakengarden—greynowwiththedustofatownsummerdeparted.Lookingforwardatthecommencementofthoseeightweeks,IhardlyknewhowIwastolivetotheend.Myspiritshadlongbeengraduallysinkingnowthatthepropofemploymentwaswithdrawn,theywentdownfast.Eventolookforwardwasnottohope:thedumbfuturespokenocomfort,offerednopromise,gavenoinducementtobearpresentevilinrelianceonfuturegood.Asorrowfulindifferencetoexistenceoftenpressedonme—adespairingresignationtoreachbetimestheendofallthingsearthly.Alas!WhenIhadfullleisuretolookonlifeaslifemustbelookedonbysuchasme,Ifounditbutahopelessdesert:tawnysands,withnogreenfields,nopalm-tree,nowellinview.Thehopeswhicharedeartoyouth,whichbearitupandleaditon,Iknewnotanddarednotknow.Iftheyknockedatmyheartsometimes,aninhospitablebartoadmissionmustbeinwardlydrawn.Whentheyturnedawaythusrejected,tearssadenoughsometimesflowed:butitcouldnotbehelped:Idarednotgivesuchguestslodging.SomortallydidIfearthesinandweaknessofpresumption. Religiousreader,youwillpreachtomealongsermonaboutwhatIhavejustwritten,andsowillyou,moralist:andyou,sternsage:you,stoic,willfrownyou,cynic,sneeryou,epicure,laugh.Well,eachandall,takeityourownway.Iacceptthesermon,frown,sneer,andlaughperhapsyouareallright:andperhaps,circumstancedlikeme,youwouldhavebeen,likeme,wrong.Thefirstmonthwas,indeed,along,black,heavymonthtome. Thecrétindidnotseemunhappy.Ididmybesttofeedherwellandkeepherwarm,andsheonlyaskedfoodandsunshine,orwhenthatlacked,fire.Herweakfacultiesapprovedofinertion:herbrain,hereyes,herears,herheartsleptcontenttheycouldnotwaketowork,solethargywastheirParadise. Threeweeksofthatvacationwerehot,fair,anddry,butthefourthandfifthweretempestuousandwet.Idonotknowwhythatchangeintheatmospheremadeacruelimpressiononme,whytheragingstormandbeatingraincrushedmewithadeadlierparalysisthanIhadexperiencedwhiletheairhadremainedserenebutsoitwasandmynervoussystemcouldhardlysupportwhatithadformanydaysandnightstoundergointhathugeemptyhouse.HowIusedtopraytoHeavenforconsolationandsupport!Withwhatdreadforce