CHAPTER IV. MISS MARCHMONT.

dyet,perhaps,contrastedwiththeexistenceyouhavelatelyled,itmayappeartolerable.” Ireflected.Ofcourseitoughttoappeartolerable,Iarguedinwardlybutsomehow,bysomestrangefatality,itwouldnot.Tolivehere,inthiscloseroom,thewatcherofsuffering—sometimes,perhaps,thebuttoftemper—throughallthatwastocomeofmyyouthwhileallthatwasgonehadpassed,tosaytheleast,notblissfully!Myheartsunkonemoment,thenitrevivedforthoughIforcedmyselftorealiseevils,IthinkIwastooprosaictoidealise,andconsequentlytoexaggeratethem. “MydoubtiswhetherIshouldhavestrengthfortheundertaking,”Iobserved. “Thatismyownscruple,”saidshe“foryoulookaworn-outcreature.” SoIdid.Isawmyselfintheglass,inmymourning-dress,afaded,hollow-eyedvision.YetIthoughtlittleofthewanspectacle.Theblight,Ibelieved,waschieflyexternal:Istillfeltlifeatlife’ssources. “Whatelsehaveyouinview—anything?” “Nothingclearasyet:butImayfindsomething.” “Soyouimagine:perhapsyouareright.Tryyourownmethod,thenandifitdoesnotsucceed,testmine.ThechanceIhaveofferedshallbeleftopentoyouforthreemonths.” Thiswaskind.Itoldherso,andexpressedmygratitude.WhileIwasspeaking,aparoxysmofpaincameon.Iministeredtohermadethenecessaryapplications,accordingtoherdirections,and,bythetimeshewasrelieved,asortofintimacywasalreadyformedbetweenus.I,formypart,hadlearnedfromthemannerinwhichsheborethisattack,thatshewasafirm,patientwoman(patientunderphysicalpain,thoughsometimesperhapsexcitableunderlongmentalcanker)andshe,fromthegood-willwithwhichIsuccouredher,discoveredthatshecouldinfluencemysympathies(suchastheywere).Shesentformethenextdayforfiveorsixsuccessivedayssheclaimedmycompany.Closeracquaintance,whileitdevelopedbothfaultsandeccentricities,opened,atthesametime,aviewofacharacterIcouldrespect.Sternandevenmoroseasshesometimeswas,Icouldwaitonherandsitbesideherwiththatcalmwhichalwaysblessesuswhenwearesensiblethatourmanners,presence,contact,pleaseandsoothethepersonsweserve.Evenwhenshescoldedme—whichshedid,nowandthen,verytartly—itwasinsuchawayasdidnothumiliate,andleftnostingitwasratherlikeanirasciblemotherratingherdaughter,thanaharshmistresslecturingadependant:lecture,indeed,shecouldnot,thoughshecouldoccasionallystorm.Moreover,aveinofreasoneverranthroughherpassion:shewaslogicalevenwhenfierce.ErelongagrowingsenseofattachmentbegantopresentthethoughtofstayingwithherascompanioninquiteanewlightinanotherweekIhadagreedtoremain. Twohot,closeroomsthusbecamemyworldandacrippledoldwoman,mymistress,myfriend,myall.Herservicewasmyduty—herpain,mysuffering—herrelief,myhope—heranger,mypunishment—herregard,myreward.Iforgotthattherewerefields,woods,rivers,seas,anever-changingskyoutsidethesteam-dimmedlatticeofthissickchamberIwasalmostcontenttoforgetit.Allwithinmebecamenarrowedtomylot.Tameandstillbyhabit,disciplinedbydestiny,Idemandednowalksinthefreshairmyappetiteneedednomorethanthetinymessesservedfortheinvalid.Inaddition,shegavemetheoriginalityofhercharactertostudy:thesteadinessofhervirtues,Iwillad