XXIV

Fromthesametothesame. Churchhill. LittledidIimagine,mydearMother,whenIsentoffmylastletter,thatthedelightfulperturbationofspiritsIwastheninwouldundergosospeedy,somelancholyareverse.InevercansufficientlyregretthatIwrotetoyouatall.Yetwhocouldhaveforeseenwhathashappened?Mydearmother,everyhopewhichmademesohappyonlytwohoursagohasvanished.ThequarrelbetweenLadySusanandReginaldismadeup,andweareallaswewerebefore.Onepointonlyisgained.SirJamesMartinisdismissed.Whatarewenowtolookforwardto?IamindeeddisappointedReginaldwasallbutgone,hishorsewasorderedandallbutbroughttothedoorwhowouldnothavefeltsafe?ForhalfanhourIwasinmomentaryexpectationofhisdeparture.AfterIhadsentoffmylettertoyou,IwenttoMr.Vernon,andsatwithhiminhisroomtalkingoverthewholematter,andthendeterminedtolookforFrederica,whomIhadnotseensincebreakfast.Imetheronthestairs,andsawthatshewascrying.“Mydearaunt,”saidshe,“heisgoing—Mr.DeCourcyisgoing,anditisallmyfault.Iamafraidyouwillbeveryangrywithme,butindeedIhadnoideaitwouldendso.”“Mylove,”Ireplied,“donotthinkitnecessarytoapologizetomeonthataccount.Ishallfeelmyselfunderanobligationtoanyonewhoisthemeansofsendingmybrotherhome,because,”recollectingmyself,“Iknowmyfatherwantsverymuchtoseehim.Butwhatisityouhavedonetooccasionallthis?”Sheblusheddeeplyassheanswered:“IwassounhappyaboutSirJamesthatIcouldnothelp—Ihavedonesomethingverywrong,IknowbutyouhavenotanideaofthemiseryIhavebeenin:andmammahadorderedmenevertospeaktoyouormyuncleaboutit,and—”“Youthereforespoketomybrothertoengagehisinterference,”saidI,tosavehertheexplanation.“No,butIwrotetohim—Ididindeed,Igotupthismorningbeforeitwaslight,andwastwohoursaboutitandwhenmyletterwasdoneIthoughtInevershouldhavecouragetogiveit.Afterbreakfasthowever,asIwasgoingtomyroom,Imethiminthepassage,andthen,asIknewthateverythingmustdependonthatmoment,Iforcedmyselftogiveit.Hewassogoodastotakeitimmediately.Idarednotlookathim,andranawaydirectly.IwasinsuchafrightIcouldhardlybreathe.Mydearaunt,youdonotknowhowmiserableIhavebeen.”“Frederica”saidI,“yououghttohavetoldmeallyourdistresses.Youwou