CHAPTER XLVII

somemoment,ithadnotenteredmyimaginationtoconceivethedifferencecouldbesuchasshehadnowprovedit.Thatthemannerinwhichshetreatedthedreadfulcrimecommittedbyherbrotherandmysister(withwhomlaythegreaterseductionIpretendednottosay),butthemannerinwhichshespokeofthecrimeitself,givingiteveryreproachbuttherightconsideringitsillconsequencesonlyastheyweretobebravedoroverbornebyadefianceofdecencyandimpudenceinwrongandlastofall,andaboveall,recommendingtousacompliance,acompromise,anacquiescenceinthecontinuanceofthesin,onthechanceofamarriagewhich,thinkingasInowthoughtofherbrother,shouldratherbepreventedthansoughtallthistogethermostgrievouslyconvincedmethatIhadneverunderstoodherbefore,andthat,asfarasrelatedtomind,ithadbeenthecreatureofmyownimagination,notMissCrawford,thatIhadbeentooapttodwellonformanymonthspast.That,perhaps,itwasbestformeIhadlesstoregretinsacrificingafriendship,feelings,hopeswhichmust,atanyrate,havebeentornfrommenow.Andyet,thatImustandwouldconfessthat,couldIhaverestoredhertowhatshehadappearedtomebefore,Iwouldinfinitelypreferanyincreaseofthepainofparting,forthesakeofcarryingwithmetherightoftendernessandesteem.ThisiswhatIsaid,thepurportofitbut,asyoumayimagine,notspokensocollectedlyormethodicallyasIhaverepeatedittoyou.Shewasastonished,exceedinglyastonished—morethanastonished.Isawherchangecountenance.Sheturnedextremelyred.IimaginedIsawamixtureofmanyfeelings:agreat,thoughshortstrugglehalfawishofyieldingtotruths,halfasenseofshame,buthabit,habitcarriedit.Shewouldhavelaughedifshecould.Itwasasortoflaugh,assheanswered,‘Aprettygoodlecture,uponmyword.Wasitpartofyourlastsermon?AtthisrateyouwillsoonreformeverybodyatMansfieldandThorntonLaceyandwhenIhearofyounext,itmaybeasacelebratedpreacherinsomegreatsocietyofMethodists,orasamissionaryintoforeignparts.’Shetriedtospeakcarelessly,butshewasnotsocarelessasshewantedtoappear.Ionlysaidinreply,thatfrommyheartIwishedherwell,andearnestlyhopedthatshemightsoonlearntothinkmorejustly,andnotowethemostvaluableknowledgewecouldanyofusacquire,theknowledgeofourselvesandofourduty,tothelessonsofaffliction,andimmediatelylefttheroom.Ihadgoneafewsteps,Fanny,whenIheardthedooropenbehindme.‘Mr.Bertram,’saidshe.Ilookedback.‘Mr.Bertram,’saidshe,withasmilebutitwasasmileill-suitedtotheconversationthathadpassed,asaucyplayfulsmile,seemingtoinviteinordertosubduemeatleastitappearedsotome.Iresisteditwastheimpulseofthemomenttoresist,andstillwalkedon.Ihavesince,sometimes,foramoment,regrettedthatIdidnotgoback,butIknowIwasright,andsuchhasbeentheendofouracquaintance.Andwhatanacquaintancehasitbeen!HowhaveIbeendeceived!Equallyinbrotherandsisterdeceived!Ithankyouforyourpatience,Fanny.Thishasbeenthegreatestrelief,andnowwewillhavedone.” AndsuchwasFanny’sdependenceonhiswords,thatforfiveminutesshethoughttheyhaddone.Then,however,itallcameonagain,orsomethingverylikeit,andnothinglessthanLadyBertram’srousingthoroughlyupcouldreallyclosesuchaconversation.Tillthathappened,theycontinuedtotalkofMissCrawfordalone,andhowshehadattachedhim,andhowdelightfulnaturehadmadeher,andhowexcellentshewouldhavebeen,hadshefallenintogoodhandsearlier.Fanny,nowatlibertytospeakopenly,feltmorethanjustifiedinaddingtohisknowledgeofherrealcharacter,bysomehintofwhatsharehisbrother’sstateofhealthmightbesupposedtohaveinherwishforacompletereconciliation.Thiswasnotanagreeableintimation.Natureresisteditforawhile.Itwouldhavebeenavastdealpleasantertohavehadhermoredisinterestedinherattachmentbuthisvanitywasnotofastrengthtofightlongagainstreason.HesubmittedtobelievethatTom’sillnesshadinfluencedher,onlyreservingforhimselfthisconsolingthought,thatconsideringthemanycounteractionsofopposinghabits,shehadcertainlybeenmoreattachedtohimthancouldhavebeenexpected,andforhissakebeenmoreneardoingright.Fannythoughtexactlythesameandtheywerealsoquiteagreedintheiropinionofthelastingeffect,theindelibleimpression,whichsuchadisappointmentmustmakeonhismind.Timewouldundoubtedlyabatesomewhatofhissufferings,butstillitwasasortofthingwhichhenevercouldgetentirelythebetterofandastohisevermeetingwithanyotherwomanwhocould—itwastooimpossibletobenamedbutwithindignation.Fanny’sfriendshipwasallthathehadtoclingto.