CHAPTER XXXV

deathathisbehaviourtomebeforehadanymeaningandsurelyIwasnottobeteachingmyselftolikehimonlybecausehewastakingwhatseemedveryidlenoticeofme.Inmysituation,itwouldhavebeentheextremeofvanitytobeformingexpectationsonMr.Crawford.Iamsurehissisters,ratinghimastheydo,musthavethoughtitso,supposinghehadmeantnothing.How,then,wasItobe—tobeinlovewithhimthemomenthesaidhewaswithme?HowwasItohaveanattachmentathisservice,assoonasitwasaskedfor?Hissistersshouldconsidermeaswellashim.Thehigherhisdeserts,themoreimproperformeevertohavethoughtofhim.And,and—wethinkverydifferentlyofthenatureofwomen,iftheycanimagineawomansoverysooncapableofreturninganaffectionasthisseemstoimply.” “Mydear,dearFanny,nowIhavethetruth.Iknowthistobethetruthandmostworthyofyouaresuchfeelings.Ihadattributedthemtoyoubefore.IthoughtIcouldunderstandyou.YouhavenowgivenexactlytheexplanationwhichIventuredtomakeforyoutoyourfriendandMrs.Grant,andtheywerebothbettersatisfied,thoughyourwarm-heartedfriendwasstillrunawaywithalittlebytheenthusiasmofherfondnessforHenry.ItoldthemthatyouwereofallhumancreaturestheoneoverwhomhabithadmostpowerandnoveltyleastandthattheverycircumstanceofthenoveltyofCrawford’saddresseswasagainsthim.Theirbeingsonewandsorecentwasallintheirdisfavourthatyoucouldtoleratenothingthatyouwerenotusedtoandagreatdealmoretothesamepurpose,togivethemaknowledgeofyourcharacter.MissCrawfordmadeuslaughbyherplansofencouragementforherbrother.Shemeanttourgehimtopersevereinthehopeofbeinglovedintime,andofhavinghisaddressesmostkindlyreceivedattheendofabouttenyears’happymarriage.” Fannycouldwithdifficultygivethesmilethatwashereaskedfor.Herfeelingswereallinrevolt.Shefearedshehadbeendoingwrong:sayingtoomuch,overactingthecautionwhichshehadbeenfancyingnecessaryinguardingagainstoneevil,layingherselfopentoanotherandtohaveMissCrawford’slivelinessrepeatedtoheratsuchamoment,andonsuchasubject,wasabitteraggravation. Edmundsawwearinessanddistressinherface,andimmediatelyresolvedtoforbearallfartherdiscussionandnoteventomentionthenameofCrawfordagain,exceptasitmightbeconnectedwithwhatmustbeagreeabletoher.Onthisprinciple,hesoonafterwardsobserved—“TheygoonMonday.Youaresure,therefore,ofseeingyourfriendeitherto-morroworSunday.TheyreallygoonMondayandIwaswithinatrifleofbeingpersuadedtostayatLessingbytillthatveryday!Ihadalmostpromisedit.Whatadifferenceitmighthavemade!ThosefiveorsixdaysmoreatLessingbymighthavebeenfeltallmylife.” “Youwerenearstayingthere?” “Very.Iwasmostkindlypressed,andhadnearlyconsented.HadIreceivedanyletterfromMansfield,totellmehowyouwereallgoingon,IbelieveIshouldcertainlyhavestaidbutIknewnothingthathadhappenedhereforafortnight,andfeltthatIhadbeenawaylongenough.” “Youspentyourtimepleasantlythere?” “Yesthatis,itwasthefaultofmyownmindifIdidnot.Theywereallverypleasant.Idoubttheirfindingmeso.Itookuneasinesswithme,andtherewasnogettingridofittillIwasinMansfieldagain.” “TheMissOwens—youlikedthem,didnotyou?” “Yes,verywell.Pleasant,good-humoured,unaffectedgirls.ButIamspoilt,Fanny,forcommonfemalesociety.Good-humoured,unaffectedgirlswillnotdoforamanwhohasbeenusedtosensiblewomen.Theyaretwodistinctordersofbeing.YouandMissCrawfordhavemademetoonice.” Still,however,Fannywasoppressedandweariedhesawitinherlooks,itcouldnotbetalkedawayandattemptingitnomore,heledherdirectly,withthekindauthorityofaprivilegedguardian,intothehouse.