CHAPTER XXXI

,withallherhighandworldlynotionsofmatrimony,wouldbeforwardinganythingofaseriousnatureinsuchaquarter?Nothingcouldbemoreunnaturalineither.Fannywasashamedofherowndoubts.Everythingmightbepossibleratherthanseriousattachment,orseriousapprobationofittowardher.ShehadquiteconvincedherselfofthisbeforeSirThomasandMr.Crawfordjoinedthem.ThedifficultywasinmaintainingtheconvictionquitesoabsolutelyafterMr.Crawfordwasintheroomforonceortwicealookseemedforcedonherwhichshedidnotknowhowtoclassamongthecommonmeaninginanyotherman,atleast,shewouldhavesaidthatitmeantsomethingveryearnest,verypointed.Butshestilltriedtobelieveitnomorethanwhathemightoftenhaveexpressedtowardshercousinsandfiftyotherwomen. Shethoughthewaswishingtospeaktoherunheardbytherest.Shefanciedhewastryingforitthewholeeveningatintervals,wheneverSirThomaswasoutoftheroom,oratallengagedwithMrs.Norris,andshecarefullyrefusedhimeveryopportunity. Atlast—itseemedanatlasttoFanny’snervousness,thoughnotremarkablylate—hebegantotalkofgoingawaybutthecomfortofthesoundwasimpairedbyhisturningtoherthenextmoment,andsaying,“HaveyounothingtosendtoMary?Noanswertohernote?Shewillbedisappointedifshereceivesnothingfromyou.Praywritetoher,ifitbeonlyaline.” “Ohyes!certainly,”criedFanny,risinginhaste,thehasteofembarrassmentandofwantingtogetaway—“Iwillwritedirectly.” Shewentaccordinglytothetable,whereshewasinthehabitofwritingforheraunt,andpreparedhermaterialswithoutknowingwhatintheworldtosay.ShehadreadMissCrawford’snoteonlyonce,andhowtoreplytoanythingsoimperfectlyunderstoodwasmostdistressing.Quiteunpractisedinsuchsortofnote-writing,hadtherebeentimeforscruplesandfearsastostyleshewouldhavefelttheminabundance:butsomethingmustbeinstantlywrittenandwithonlyonedecidedfeeling,thatofwishingnottoappeartothinkanythingreallyintended,shewrotethus,ingreattremblingbothofspiritsandhand— “Iamverymuchobligedtoyou,mydearMissCrawford,foryourkindcongratulations,asfarastheyrelatetomydearestWilliam.TherestofyournoteIknowmeansnothingbutIamsounequaltoanythingofthesort,thatIhopeyouwillexcusemybeggingyoutotakenofarthernotice.IhaveseentoomuchofMr.Crawfordnottounderstandhismannersifheunderstoodmeaswell,hewould,Idaresay,behavedifferently.IdonotknowwhatIwrite,butitwouldbeagreatfavourofyounevertomentionthesubjectagain.Withthanksforthehonourofyournote, Iremain,dearMissCrawford, &c.,&c.” Theconclusionwasscarcelyintelligiblefromincreasingfright,forshefoundthatMr.Crawford,underpretenceofreceivingthenote,wascomingtowardsher. “YoucannotthinkImeantohurryyou,”saidhe,inanundervoice,perceivingtheamazingtrepidationwithwhichshemadeupthenote,“youcannotthinkIhaveanysuchobject.Donothurryyourself,Ientreat.” “Oh!IthankyouIhavequitedone,justdoneitwillbereadyinamomentIamverymuchobligedtoyouifyouwillbesogoodastogivethattoMissCrawford.” Thenotewasheldout,andmustbetakenandassheinstantlyandwithavertedeyeswalkedtowardsthefireplace,wheresattheothers,hehadnothingtodobuttogoingoodearnest. Fannythoughtshehadneverknownadayofgreateragitation,bothofpainandpleasurebuthappilythepleasurewasnotofasorttodiewiththedayforeverydaywouldrestoretheknowledgeofWilliam’sadvancement,whereasthepain,shehoped,wouldreturnnomore.Shehadnodoubtthathernotemustappearexcessivelyill-written,thatthelanguagewoulddisgraceachild,forherdistresshadallowednoarrangementbutatleastitwouldassurethembothofherbeingneitherimposedonnorgratifiedbyMr.Crawford’sattentions.