Chapter 4. THE R. WILFER FAMILY

ReginaldWilferisanamewithratheragrandsound,suggestingonfirstacquaintancebrassesincountrychurches,scrollsinstained-glasswindows,andgenerallytheDeWilferswhocameoverwiththeConqueror.For,itisaremarkablefactingenealogythatnoDeAnyonesevercameoverwithAnybodyelse. But,theReginaldWilferfamilywereofsuchcommonplaceextractionandpursuitsthattheirforefathershadforgenerationsmodestlysubsistedontheDocks,theExciseOffice,andtheCustomHouse,andtheexistingR.Wilferwasapoorclerk.Sopooraclerk,thoughhavingalimitedsalaryandanunlimitedfamily,thathehadneveryetattainedthemodestobjectofhisambition:whichwas,towearacompletenewsuitofclothes,hatandbootsincluded,atonetime.Hisblackhatwasbrownbeforehecouldaffordacoat,hispantaloonswerewhiteattheseamsandkneesbeforehecouldbuyapairofboots,hisbootshadwornoutbeforehecouldtreathimselftonewpantaloons,and,bythetimeheworkedroundtothehatagain,thatshiningmodernarticleroofed-inanancientruinofvariousperiods. IftheconventionalCherubcouldevergrowupandbeclothed,hemightbephotographedasaportraitofWilfer.Hischubby,smooth,innocentappearancewasareasonforhisbeingalwaystreatedwithcondescensionwhenhewasnotputdown.Astrangerenteringhisownpoorhouseataboutteno’clockP.M.mighthavebeensurprisedtofindhimsittinguptosupper.Soboyishwasheinhiscurvesandproportions,thathisoldschoolmastermeetinghiminCheapside,mighthavebeenunabletowithstandthetemptationofcaninghimonthespot.Inshort,hewastheconventionalcherub,afterthesupposititiousshootjustmentioned,rathergrey,withsignsofcareonhisexpression,andindecidedlyinsolventcircumstances. Hewasshy,andunwillingtoowntothenameofReginald,asbeingtooaspiringandself-assertiveaname.InhissignatureheusedonlytheinitialR.,andimpartedwhatitreallystoodfor,tononebutchosenfriends,underthesealofconfidence.Outofthis,thefacetioushabithadarisenintheneighbourhoodsurroundingMincingLaneofmakingchristiannamesforhimofadjectivesandparticiplesbeginningwithR.Someoftheseweremoreorlessappropriate:asRusty,Retiring,Ruddy,Round,Ripe,Ridiculous,Ruminativeothers,derivedtheirpointfromtheirwantofapplication:asRaging,Rattling,Roaring,Raffish.But,hispopularnamewasRumty,whichinamomentofinspirationhadbeenbestoweduponhimbyagentlemanofconvivialhabitsconnectedwiththedrug-markets,asthebeginningofasocialchorus,hisleadingpartintheexecutionofwhichhadledthisgentlemantotheTempleofFame,andofwhichthewholeexpressiveburdenran: ‘Rumtyiddity,rowdowdow, Singtoodlely,teedlely,bowwowwow.’ Thushewasconstantlyaddressed,eveninminornotesonbusiness,as‘DearRumty’inanswertowhich,hesedatelysignedhimself,‘Yourstruly,R.Wilfer.’ Hewasclerkinthedrug-houseofChicksey,Veneering,andStobbles.ChickseyandStobbles,hisformermasters,hadbothbecomeabsorbedinVeneering,oncetheirtravellerorcommissionagent:whohadsignalizedhisaccessiontosupremepowerbybringingintothebusinessaquantityofplate-glasswindowandFrench-polishedmahoganypartition,andagleamingandenormousdoorplate. R.Wilferlockeduphisdeskoneevening,and,puttinghisbunchofkeysinhispocketmuchasifitwerehispeg-top,madeforhome.HishomewasintheHollowayregionnorthofLondon,andthendividedfromitbyfieldsandtrees.BetweenBattleBridgeandthatpartoftheHollowaydistrictinwhichhedwelt,wasatractofsuburbanSahara,wheretilesandbrickswereburnt,boneswereboiled,carpetswerebeat,rubbishwasshot,dogswerefought,anddustwasheapedbycontractors.Skirtingtheborderofthisdesert,bythewayhetook,whenthelightofitskiln-firesmadeluridsmearsonthefog,R.Wilfersighedandshookhishead. ‘Ahme!’saidhe,‘whatmighthavebeenisnotwhatis!’ Withwhichcommentaryonhumanlife,indicatinganexperienceofitnotexclusivelyhisown,hemadethebestofhiswaytotheendofhisjourney. MrsWilferwas,ofcourse,atallwomanandanangular.Herlordbeingcherubic,shewasnecessarilymajestic,accordingtotheprinciplewhichmatrimoniallyunitescontrasts.Shewasmuchgiventotyingupherheadinapocket-handkerchief,knottedunderthechin.Thishead-gear,inconjunctionwithapairofgloveswornwithindoors,sheseemedtoconsiderasatonceakindofarmouragainstmisfortune(invariablyassumingitwheninlowspiritsordifficulties),andasaspeciesoffulldress.Itwasthereforewithsomesinkingofthespiritthatherhusbandbeheldherthusheroicallyattired,puttingdownhercandleinthelittlehall,andcomingdownthedoorstepsthroughthelittlefrontcourttoopenthegateforhim. Somethinghadgonewrongwiththehouse-door,forR.Wilferstoppedonthesteps,staringatit,andcried: ‘Hal-loa?’ ‘Yes,’saidMrsWilfer,‘themancamehimselfwithapairofpincers,andtookitoff,andtookit