CHAPTER XII. EXPLANATIONS.

alwithhim. Afteramoment'sthought,Ninaadded,withasuddeneffort,— "But,afterall,thatwasnotwhatIwantedtospeaktoyouabout.Iwantedtoseeyousomewhere,andsayafewwordswhichitseemstomeitisduetoyouthatIshouldsay.Igotyourlastletter,andI'msureIamverymuchobligedtoyoursisterforallthekindthingsshesaysbutIthinkyoumusthavebeenastonishedatwhatyouhaveseensinceyouhavebeenhere." "Astonishedatwhat?"saidClayton,quietly. "AtMr.Carson'smannerstowardsme." "Ihavenotbeenastonishedatall,"repliedClayton,quietly. "Ithink,atallevents,"saidNina,"IthinkitisnomorethanhonorablethatIshouldtellyouexactlyhowthingshavestood.Mr.CarsonhasthoughtthathehadarighttomeandmineandIwassofoolishastogivehimreasontothinkso.Thefactis,thatIhavebeenmakingagameoflife,andsayinganddoinganythingandeverythingthatcameintomyhead,justforfrolic.Itdon'tseemtomethattherehasbeenanythingseriousorrealaboutme,untilverylately.Somehow,myacquaintancewithyouhasmadethingsseemmorerealtomethantheyeverdidbeforeanditseemstomenowperfectlyincredible,thewaywegirlsusedtoplayandtriflewitheverythingintheworld.Justforsport,Iwasengagedtothatmanjustforsport,too,Ihavebeenengagedtoanotherone." "And,"saidClayton,breakingthesilence,"justforsport,haveyoubeenengagedtome?" "No,"saidNina,afterafewmoments'silence,"notinsport,certainlybut,yet,notenoughinearnest.IthinkIamabouthalfwakedup.Idon'tknowmyself.Idon'tknowwhereorwhatIam,andIwanttogobackintothatthoughtlessdream.Idoreallythinkit'stoohardtotakeuptheresponsibilityoflivingingoodearnest.Now,itseemstomejustthis,—thatIcannotbeboundtoanybody.Iwanttobefree.IhavepositivelybrokenallconnectionwithMr.CarsonIhavebrokenwithanotherone,andIwish"— "Tobreakwithme?"saidClayton. "Idon'treallyknowasIcansaywhatIdowish.Itisaverydifferentthingfromanyoftheothers,butthere'safeelingofdread,andresponsibility,andconstraint,aboutitand,thoughIthinkIshouldfeelverylonesomenowwithoutyou,andthoughIliketogetyourletters,yetitseemstomethatIcannotbeengaged,—thatisamostdreadfulfeelingtome." "Mydearfriend,"saidClayton,"ifthatisall,makeyourselfeasy.There'snooccasionforourbeingengaged.Ifyoucanenjoybeingwithmeandwritingtome,why,doitinthefreestway,andto-morrowshalltakecareforthethingsofitself.Youshallsaywhatyouplease,dowhatyouplease,writewhenyouplease,andnotwritewhenyouplease,andhaveasmanyorasfewlettersasyoulike.Therecanbenotruelovewithoutliberty." "Oh,I'msureI'mmuchobligedtoyou!"saidNina,withasighofrelief."And,now,doyouknow,Ilikeyoursister'spostscriptverymuchbutIcan'ttellwhatitisinit,forthelanguageisaskindascanbe,thatwouldgivemetheimpressionthatsheisoneofthoseveryproperkindofpeople,thatwouldbedreadfullyshockedifsheknewofallmygoingsoninNewYork." Claytoncouldhardlyhelplaughingattheinstinctivesagacityofthisremark. "I'msureIdon'tknow,"saidhe,"whereyoucouldhaveseenthat,—insoshortapostscript,too." "Doyouknow,Inevertakeanybody'shandwritingintomyhand,thatIdon'tfeelanideaofthemcomeoverme,justasyouhavewhenyouseepeople?AndthatideacameovermewhenIreadyoursister'sletter." "Well,Nina,totellyouthetruth,sisterAnneisalittlebitconventional—alittlesetinherwaysbut,afterall,alarge-hearted,warm-heartedwoman.Youwouldlikeeachother,Iknow." "Idon'tknowaboutthat,"saidNina."Iamveryapttoshockproperpeople.Somehoworother,theyhaveafacultyofmakingmecontrary." "Well,but,yousee,Anneisn'tmerelyaconventionalpersonthere'sonlytheslightestcrustofconventionality,andarealwarmheartunderit." "Whereas,"saidNina,"mostconventionalpeoplearelikeashallowriver,frozentothebottom.But,now,really,Ishouldlikeverymuchtohaveyoursistercomeandvisitus,ifIcouldthinkthatshewouldcomeasanyotherfriendbut,youknow,itisn'tveryagreeabletohaveanybodycometolookoneovertoseeifonewilldo." Claytonlaughedatthena?ve,undisguisedfranknessofthisspeech. "Yousee,"saidNina,"thoughI'mnothingbutanignorantschool-girl,I'masproudasifIhadeverythingtobeproudof.Now,doyouknow,Idon'tmuchlikewritingtoyoursister,becauseIdon'tthinkIwriteverygoodletters!Inevercouldsitstilllongenoughtowrite." "Writeexactlyasyoutalk,"saidClayton."Sayjustwhatcomesintoyourhead,justasyouwouldtalkit.Ihopeyouwilldothatmuch,foritwillbeverydullwritingallononeside." "Well,"saidNina,rising,withanimation,"now,Mr.EdwardClayton,ifwehavesettledaboutthismoonlight,wemayaswellgodownintotheparlor,whereAuntNesbitandMr.Carsonaretête-à-tête." "PoorCarson!"saidClayton. "Oh,don'tpityhim!Goodsoul!he'samanthatonenight'srestwouldbringroundfromanythingincreation.He'ssothoroughlygood-natured!Besides,Ishalllikehimbetter,now.Hedidnotusetoseemtomesointrusiveanddisagreeable.Wegirlsusedtolikehimverywell,hewassuchacomfortable,easy-tempered,agreeablecreature,alwaysbriskandinspirits,andknowingeverythingthatwenton.ButheisoneofthosementhatIthinkwouldbereallyinsufferable,ifanythingseriouswerethematterwithme.Now,youheardhowhetalkedcomingfromthatfuneral!Doyouknow,thatifhehadbeencomingfrommyfuneral,itwouldhavebeenjustso?" "Oh,no,notquitesobad,"saidClayton. "Indeedheis,"saidNina."Thatman!why,hejustputsmeinmindofoneofthesebriskblue-flies,whirringandwhiskingabout,marchingoverpagesofbooks,andalightingonallsortsofthings.Whenheputsonthatgravelook,andbeginstotalkaboutseriousthings,heactuallylookstomejustasaflydoeswhenhestandsbrushinghiswingsonaBible!But,come,let'sgodowntothegoodsoul." Downtheywent,andNinaseemedlikeapersonenfranchised.Neverhadsheseemedmoreuniversallygracious.ShewaschattyandconversablewithCarson,andsangoverforhimallheroldopera-songs,withthebettergracethatshesawthatClaytonwaslisteningintently. Astheyweresittingandconversingtogether,thesoundofah