CHAPTER XX. THE FAREWELL

ndsparklingwater—thehousewhereIwasborn,thesceneofallmyearlyassociations,theplacewherethroughoutlifemyearthlyaffectionshadbeencentred—andleftthemtoreturnnomore!True,IwasgoingbacktoHortonLodge,where,amidmanyevils,onesourceofpleasureyetremained:butitwaspleasuremingledwithexcessivepainandmystay,alas!waslimitedtosixweeks.Andevenofthatprecioustime,dayafterdayslippedbyandIdidnotseehim:exceptatchurch,Ineversawhimforafortnightaftermyreturn.Itseemedalongtimetome:and,asIwasoftenoutwithmyramblingpupil,ofcoursehopeswouldkeeprising,anddisappointmentswouldensueandthen,Iwouldsaytomyownheart,“Hereisaconvincingproof—ifyouwouldbuthavethesensetoseeit,orthecandourtoacknowledgeit—thathedoesnotcareforyou.Ifheonlythoughthalfasmuchaboutyouasyoudoabouthim,hewouldhavecontrivedtomeetyoumanytimeserethis:youmustknowthat,byconsultingyourownfeelings.Therefore,havedonewiththisnonsense:youhavenogroundforhope:dismiss,atonce,thesehurtfulthoughtsandfoolishwishesfromyourmind,andturntoyourownduty,andthedullblanklifethatliesbeforeyou.Youmighthaveknownsuchhappinesswasnotforyou.” ButIsawhimatlast.HecamesuddenlyuponmeasIwascrossingafieldinreturningfromavisittoNancyBrown,whichIhadtakentheopportunityofpayingwhileMatildaMurraywasridinghermatchlessmare.HemusthaveheardoftheheavylossIhadsustained:heexpressednosympathy,offerednocondolence:butalmostthefirstwordsheutteredwere,—“Howisyourmother?”Andthiswasnomatter-of-coursequestion,forInevertoldhimthatIhadamother:hemusthavelearnedthefactfromothers,ifheknewitatalland,besides,therewassinceregoodwill,andevendeep,touching,unobtrusivesympathyinthetoneandmanneroftheinquiry.Ithankedhimwithduecivility,andtoldhimshewasaswellascouldbeexpected.“Whatwillshedo?”wasthenextquestion.Manywouldhavedeemeditanimpertinentone,andgivenanevasivereplybuts