CHAPTER XXXI

ece. “Therearedifferentwaysofloving,”shemurmured,halftoherself,atlength. Katharinemadenoreplyandseemedunawareofherwords.Sheseemedabsorbedinherownthoughts. “Perhapshe’swaitinginthestreetagainto-night,”sheexclaimed.“I’llgonow.Imightfindhim.” “It’sfarmorelikelythathe’llcomehere,”saidMary,andKatharine,afterconsideringforamoment,said: “I’llwaitanotherhalf-hour.” Shesankdownintoherchairagain,andtookupthesamepositionwhichMaryhadcomparedtothepositionofonewatchinganunseeingface.Shewatched,indeed,notaface,butaprocession,notofpeople,butoflifeitself:thegoodandbadthemeaningthepast,thepresent,andthefuture.Allthisseemedapparenttoher,andshewasnotashamedofherextravagancesomuchasexaltedtooneofthepinnaclesofexistence,whereitbehovedtheworldtodoherhomage.NoonebutsheherselfknewwhatitmeanttomissRalphDenhamonthatparticularnightintothisinadequateeventcrowdedfeelingsthatthegreatcrisesoflifemighthavefailedtocallforth.Shehadmissedhim,andknewthebitternessofallfailureshedesiredhim,andknewthetormentofallpassion.Itdidnotmatterwhattrivialaccidentsledtothisculmination.Nordidshecarehowextravagantsheappeared,norhowopenlysheshowedherfeelings. WhenthedinnerwasreadyMarytoldhertocome,andshecamesubmissively,asifsheletMarydirecthermovementsforher.Theyateanddranktogetheralmostinsilence,andwhenMarytoldhertoeatmore,sheatemorewhenshewastoldtodrinkwine,shedrankit.Nevertheless,beneaththissuperficialobedience,Maryknewthatshewasfollowingherownthoughtsunhindered.ShewasnotinattentivesomuchasremoteshelookedatoncesounseeingandsointentuponsomevisionofherownthatMarygraduallyfeltmorethanprotective—shebecameactuallyalarmedattheprospectofsomecollisionbetweenKatharineandtheforcesoftheoutsideworld.Directlytheyhaddone,Katharineannouncedherintentionofgoing. “Butwhereareyougoingto?”Maryasked,desiringvaguelytohinderher. “Oh,I’mgoinghome—no,toHighgateperhaps.” Marysawthatitwouldbeuselesstotrytostopher.Allshecoulddowastoinsistuponcomingtoo,butshemetwithnooppositionKatharineseemedindifferenttoherpresence.InafewminutestheywerewalkingalongtheStrand.TheywalkedsorapidlythatMarywasdeludedintothebeliefthatKatharineknewwhereshewasgoing.Sheherselfwasnotattentive.Shewasgladofthemovementalonglamp-litstreetsintheopenair.Shewasfingering,painfullyandwithfear,yetwithstrangehope,too,thediscoverywhichshehadstumbleduponunexpectedlythatnight.Shewasfreeoncemoreatthecostofagift,thebest,perhaps,thatshecouldoffer,butshewas,thankHeaven,inlovenolonger.ShewastemptedtospendthefirstinstalmentofherfreedominsomedissipationinthepitoftheColiseum,forexample,sincetheywerenowpassingthedoor.Whynotgoinandcelebrateherindependenceofthetyrannyoflove?Or,perhaps,thetopofanomnibusboundforsomeremoteplacesuchasCamberwell,orSidcup,ortheWelshHarpwouldsuitherbetter.Shenoticedthesenamespaintedonlittleboardsforthefirsttimeforweeks.Orshouldshereturntoherroom,andspendthenightworkingoutthedetailsofaveryenlightenedandingeniousscheme?Ofallpossibilitiesthisappealedtohermost,andbroughttomindthefire,thelamplight,thesteadyglowwhichhadseemedlitintheplacewhereamorepassionateflamehadonceburnt. NowKatharinestopped,andMarywoketothefactthatinsteadofhavingagoalshehadevidentlynone.Shepausedattheedgeofthecrossing,andlookedthiswayandthat,andfinallymadeasifinthedirectionofHaverstockHill. “Lookhere—whereareyougoing?”Marycried,catchingherbythehand.“Wemusttakethatcabandgohome.”ShehailedacabandinsistedthatKatharineshouldgetin,whileshedirectedthedrivertotakethemtoCheyneWalk. Katharinesubmitted.“Verywell,”shesaid.“Wemayaswellgothereasanywhereelse.” Agloomseemedtohavefallenonher.Shelaybackinhercorner,silentandapparentlyexhausted.Mary,inspiteofherownpreoccupation,wasstruckbyherpallorandherattitudeofdejection. “I’msureweshallfindhim,”shesaidmoregentlythanshehadyetspoken. “Itmaybetoolate,”Katharinereplied.Withoutunderstandingher,Marybegantopityherforwhatshewassuffering. “Nonsense,”shesaid,takingherhandandrubbingit.“Ifwedon’tfindhimthereweshallfindhimsomewhereelse.” “Butsupposehe’swalkingaboutthestreets—forhoursandhours?” Sheleantforwardandlookedoutofthewindow. “Hemayrefuseevertospeaktomeagain,”shesaidinalowvoice,almosttoherself. TheexaggerationwassoimmensethatMarydidnotattempttocopewithit,savebykeepingholdofKatharine’swrist.ShehalfexpectedthatKatharinemightopenthedoorsuddenlyandjumpout.PerhapsKatharineperceivedthepurposewithwhichherhandwasheld. “Don’tbefrightened,”shesaid,withalittlelaugh.“I’mnotgoingtojumpoutofthecab.Itwouldn’tdomuchgoodafterall.” Uponthis,Maryostentatiouslywithdrewherhand. “Ioughttohaveapologized,”Katharinecontinued,withaneffort,“forbringingyouintoallthisbusinessIhaven’ttoldyouhalf,either.I’mnolongerengagedtoWilliamRodney.HeistomarryCassandraOtway.It’sallarranged—allperfectlyright....Andafterhe’dwaitedinthestreetsforhoursandhours,Williammademebringhimin.Hewasstandingunderthelamp-postwatchingourwindows.Hewasperfectlywhitewhenhecameintotheroom.Williamleftusalone,andwesatandtalked.Itseemsagesandagesago,now.Wasitlastnight?HaveIbeenoutlong?What’sthetime?”Shesprangforwardtocatchsightofaclock,asiftheexacttimehadsomeimportantbearingonhercase. “Onlyhalf-pasteight!”sheexclaimed.“Thenhemaybetherestill.”Sheleantoutofthewindowandtoldthecabmantodrivefaster. “Butifhe’snotthere,whatshallIdo?WherecouldIfindhim?Thestreetsaresocrowded.” “Weshallfindhim,”Maryrepeated. Maryhadnodoubtbutthatsomehoworothertheywouldfindhim.Butsupposetheydidfindhim?ShebegantothinkofRalphwithasortofstrangeness,inherefforttounderstandhowhecouldbecapableofsatisfyingthisextraordinarydesire.Oncemoreshethoughtherselfbacktoheroldviewofhimandcould,withaneffort,recallthehazewhichsurroundedhisfigure,andthesenseofconfused,heightenedexhilarationwhichlayallabouthisneighborhood,sothatformonthsatatimeshehadneverexactlyheardhisvoiceorseenhisface—orsoitnowseemedtoher.Thepainofherlossshotthroughher.Nothingwouldevermakeup—notsuccess,orhappiness,oroblivion.Butthispangwasimmediatelyfollowedbytheassurancethatnow,atanyrate,sheknewthetruthandKatharine,shethought,stealingalookather,didnotknowthetruthyes,Katharinewasimmenselytobepitied. Thecab,whichhadbeencaughtinthetraffic,wasnowliberatedandspedondownSloaneStreet.MarywasconsciousofthetensionwithwhichKatharinemarkeditsprogress,asifhermindwerefixeduponapointinfrontofthem,andmarked,secondbysecond,theirapproachtoit.Shesaidnothing,andinsilenceMarybegantofixhermind,insympathyatfirst,andlaterinforgetfulnessofhercompanion,uponapointinfrontofthem.Sheimaginedapointdistantasalowstaruponthehorizonofthedark.Thereforhertoo,forthemboth,wasthegoalforwhichtheywerestriving,andtheendfortheardorsoftheirspiritswasthesame:butwhereitwas,orwhatitwas,orwhyshefeltconvincedthattheywereunitedinsearchofit,astheydroveswiftlydownthestreetsofLondonsidebyside,shecouldnothavesaid. “Atlast,”Katharinebreathed,asthecabdrewupatthedoor.Shejumpedoutandscannedthepavementoneitherside.Mary,meanwhile,rangthebell.ThedooropenedasKatharineassuredherselfthatnooneofthepeoplewithinviewhadanylikenesstoRalph.Onseeingher,themaidsaidatonce: “Mr.Denhamcalledagain,miss.Hehasbeenwaitingforyouforsometime.” KatharinevanishedfromMary’ssight.Thedoorshutbetweenthem,andMarywalkedslowlyandthoughtfullyupthestreetalone. Katharineturnedatoncetothedining-room.Butwithherfingersuponthehandle,sheheldback.Perhapssherealizedthatthiswasamomentwhichwouldnevercomeagain.Perhaps,forasecond,itseemedtoherthatnorealitycouldequaltheimaginationshehadformed.Perhapsshewasrestrainedbysomevaguefearoranticipation,whichmadeherdreadanyexchangeorinterruption.Butifthesedoubtsandfearsorthissupremeblissrestrainedher,itwasonlyforamoment.Inanothersecondshehadturnedthehandleand,bitingherliptocontrolherself,sheopenedthedooruponRalphDenham.Anextraordinaryclearnessofsightseemedtopossessheronbeholdinghim.Solittle,sosingle,soseparatefromallelseheappeared,whohadbeenthecauseoftheseextremeagitationsandaspirations.Shecouldhavelaughedinhisface.But,gaininguponthisclearnessofsightagainstherwill,andtoherdislike,wasafloodofconfusion,ofrelief,ofcertainty,ofhumility,ofdesirenolongertostriveandtodiscriminate,yieldingtowhich,sheletherselfsinkwithinhisarmsandconfessedherlove.