CHAPTER XX

eher. Strangethoughtsarebredinpassingthroughcrowdedstreetsshouldthepassenger,bychance,havenoexactdestinationinfrontofhim,muchasthemindshapesallkindsofforms,solutions,imageswhenlisteninginattentivelytomusic.Fromanacuteconsciousnessofherselfasanindividual,Marypassedtoaconceptionoftheschemeofthingsinwhich,asahumanbeing,shemusthavehershare.Shehalfheldavisionthevisionshapedanddwindled.ShewishedshehadapencilandapieceofpapertohelphertogiveaformtothisconceptionwhichcomposeditselfasshewalkeddowntheCharingCrossRoad.Butifshetalkedtoanyone,theconceptionmightescapeher.Hervisionseemedtolayoutthelinesofherlifeuntildeathinawaywhichsatisfiedhersenseofharmony.Itonlyneededapersistenteffortofthought,stimulatedinthisstrangewaybythecrowdandthenoise,toclimbthecrestofexistenceandseeitalllaidoutonceandforever.Alreadyhersufferingasanindividualwasleftbehindher.Ofthisprocess,whichwastohersofullofeffort,whichcomprisedinfinitelyswiftandfullpassagesofthought,leadingfromonecresttoanother,assheshapedherconceptionoflifeinthisworld,onlytwoarticulatewordsescapedher,mutteredbeneathherbreath—“Nothappiness—nothappiness.” ShesatdownonaseatoppositethestatueofoneofLondon’sheroesupontheEmbankment,andspokethewordsaloud.Tohertheyrepresentedtherareflowerorsplinterofrockbroughtdownbyaclimberinproofthathehasstoodforamoment,atleast,uponthehighestpeakofthemountain.Shehadbeenupthereandseentheworldspreadtothehorizon.Itwasnownecessarytoalterhercoursetosomeextent,accordingtohernewresolve.Herpostshouldbeinoneofthoseexposedanddesolatestationswhichareshunnednaturallybyhappypeople.Shearrangedthedetailsofthenewplaninhermind,notwithoutagrimsatisfaction. “Now,”shesaidtoherself,risingfromherseat,“I’llthinkofRalph.” Wherewashetobeplacedinthenewscaleoflife?Herexaltedmoodseemedtomakeitsafetohandlethequestion.Butshewasdismayedtofindhowquicklyherpassionsleaptforwardthemomentshesanctionedthislineofthought.Nowshewasidentifiedwithhimandrethoughthisthoughtswithcompleteself-surrendernow,withasuddencleavageofspirit,sheturneduponhimanddenouncedhimforhiscruelty. “ButIrefuse—Irefusetohateanyone,”shesaidaloudchosethemomenttocrosstheroadwithcircumspection,andtenminuteslaterlunchedintheStrand,cuttinghermeatfirmlyintosmallpieces,butgivingherfellow-dinersnofurthercausetojudgehereccentric.Hersoliloquycrystallizeditselfintolittlefragmentaryphrasesemergingsuddenlyfromtheturbulenceofherthought,particularlywhenshehadtoexertherselfinanyway,eithertomove,tocountmoney,ortochooseaturning.“Toknowthetruth—toacceptwithoutbitterness”—those,perhaps,werethemostarticulateofherutterances,fornoonecouldhavemadeheadortailofthequeergibberishmurmuredinfrontofthestatueofFrancis,DukeofBedford,savethatthenameofRalphoccurredfrequentlyinverystrangeconnections,asif,havingspokenit,shewished,superstitiously,tocancelitbyaddingsomeotherwordthatrobbedthesentencewithhisnameinitofanymeaning. Thosechampionsofthecauseofwomen,Mr.ClactonandMrs.Seal,didnotperceiveanythingstrangeinMary’sbehavior,savethatshewasalmosthalfanhourlaterthanusualincomingbacktotheoffice.Happily,theirownaffairskeptthembusy,andshewasfreefromtheirinspection.Iftheyhadsurprisedhertheywouldhavefoundherlost,apparently,inadmirationofthelargehotelacrossthesquare,for,afterwritingafewwords,herpenresteduponthepaper,andhermindpursueditsownjourneyamongthesun-blazonedwindowsandthedriftsofpurplishsmokewhichformedherview.And,indeed,thisbackgroundwasbynomeansoutofkeepingwithherthoughts.Shesawtotheremotespacesbehindthestrifeoftheforeground,enablednowtogazethere,sinceshehadrenouncedherowndemands,privilegedtoseethelargerview,tosharethevastdesiresandsufferingsofthemassofmankind.Shehadbeentoolatelyandtooroughlymasteredbyfactstotakeaneasypleasureinthereliefofrenunciationsuchsatisfactionasshefeltcameonlyfromthediscoverythat,havingrenouncedeverythingthatmadelifehappy,easy,splendid,individual,thereremainedahardreality,unimpairedbyone’spersonaladventures,remoteasthestars,unquenchableastheyare. WhileMa