CHAPTER XVIII

fkindness,amusement,andcuriosity. “I’mmuchmoreselfishthanIleton,andI’mworldlyalittle—morethanyouthink,anyhow.Ilikebossingthings—perhapsthat’smygreatestfault.I’venoneofyourpassionfor—”hereshehesitated,andglancedathim,asiftoascertainwhathispassionwasfor—“forthetruth,”sheadded,asifshehadfoundwhatshesoughtindisputably. “I’vetoldyouI’maliar,”Ralphrepeatedobstinately. “Oh,inlittlethings,Idaresay,”shesaidimpatiently.“Butnotinrealones,andthat’swhatmatters.IdaresayI’mmoretruthfulthanyouareinsmallways.ButIcouldnevercare”—shewassurprisedtofindherselfspeakingtheword,andhadtoforceherselftospeakitout—“foranyonewhowasaliarinthatway.Ilovethetruthacertainamount—aconsiderableamount—butnotinthewayyouloveit.”Hervoicesank,becameinaudible,andwaveredasifshecouldscarcelykeepherselffromtears. “Goodheavens!”Ralphexclaimedtohimself.“Shelovesme!WhydidIneverseeitbefore?She’sgoingtocryno,butshecan’tspeak.” Thecertaintyoverwhelmedhimsothathescarcelyknewwhathewasdoingthebloodrushedtohischeeks,andalthoughhehadquitemadeuphismindtoaskhertomarryhim,thecertaintythatshelovedhimseemedtochangethesituationsocompletelythathecouldnotdoit.Hedidnotdaretolookather.Ifshecried,hedidnotknowwhatheshoulddo.Itseemedtohimthatsomethingofaterribleanddevastatingnaturehadhappened.Thewaiterchangedtheirplatesoncemore. InhisagitationRalphrose,turnedhisbackuponMary,andlookedoutofthewindow.Thepeopleinthestreetseemedtohimonlyadissolvingandcombiningpatternofblackparticleswhich,forthemoment,representedverywelltheinvoluntaryprocessionoffeelingsandthoughtswhichformedanddissolvedinrapidsuccessioninhisownmind.AtonemomentheexultedinthethoughtthatMarylovedhimatthenext,itseemedthathewaswithoutfeelingforherherlovewasrepulsivetohim.Nowhefelturgedtomarryheratoncenowtodisappearandneverseeheragain.Inordertocontrolthisdisorderlyraceofthoughtheforcedhimselftoreadthenameonthechemist’sshopdirectlyoppositehimthentoexaminetheobjectsintheshopwindows,andthentofocushiseyesexactlyuponalittlegroupofwomenlookinginatthegreatwindowsofalargedraper’sshop.Thisdisciplinehavinggivenhimatleastasuperficialcontrolofhimself,hewasabouttoturnandaskthewaitertobringthebill,whenhiseyewascaughtbyatallfigurewalkingquicklyalongtheoppositepavement—atallfigure,upright,dark,andcommanding,muchdetachedfromhersurroundings.Sheheldherglovesinherlefthand,andthelefthandwasbare.AllthisRalphnoticedandenumeratedandrecognizedbeforeheputanametothewhole—KatharineHilbery.Sheseemedtobelookingforsomebody.Hereyes,infact,scannedbothsidesofthestreet,andforonesecondwereraiseddirectlytothebowwindowinwhichRalphstoodbutshelookedawayagaininstantlywithoutgivinganysignthatshehadseenhim.Thissuddenapparitionhadanextraordinaryeffectuponhim.Itwasasifhehadthoughtofhersointenselythathismindhadformedtheshapeofher,ratherthanthathehadseenherinthefleshoutsideinthestreet.Andyethehadnotbeenthinkingofheratall.Theimpressionwassointensethathecouldnotdismissit,noreventhinkwhetherhehadseenherormerelyimaginedher.Hesatdownatonce,andsaid,brieflyandstrangely,rathertohimselfthantoMary: “ThatwasKatharineHilbery.” “KatharineHilbery?Whatdoyoumean?”sheasked,hardlyunderstandingfromhismannerwhetherhehadseenherornot. “KatharineHilbery,”herepeated.“Butshe’sgonenow.” “KatharineHilbery!”Marythought,inaninstantofblindingrevelation“I’vealwaysknownitwasKatharineHilbery!”Sheknewitallnow. Afteramomentofdowncaststupor,sheraisedhereyes,lookedsteadilyatRalph,andcaughthisfixedanddreamygazeleveledatapointfarbeyondtheirsurroundings,apointthatshehadneverreachedinallthetimethatshehadknownhim.Shenoticedthelipsjustparted,thefingerslooselyclenched,thewholeattitudeofraptcontemplation,whichfelllikeaveilbetweenthem.Shenoticedeverythingabouthimiftherehadbeenothersignsofhisutteralienationshewouldhavesoughtthemout,too,forshefeltthatitwasonlybyheapingonetruthuponanotherthatshecouldkeepherselfsittingthere,upright.Thetruthseemedtosupportheritstruckher,evenasshelookedathisface,thatthelightoftruthwasshiningfarawaybeyondhimthelightoftruth,sheseemedtoframethewordsassherosetogo,shinesonaworldnottobeshakenbyourpersonalcalamities. Ralphhandedherhercoatandherstick.Shetookthem,fastenedthecoatsecurely,graspedthestickfirmly.Theivyspraywasstilltwistedaboutthehandlethisonesacrifice,shethought,shemightmaketosentimentalityandpersonality,andshepickedtwoleavesfromtheivyandputtheminherpocketbeforeshedisencumberedherstickoftherestofit.Shegraspedthestickinthemiddle,andsettledherfurcapcloselyuponherhead,asifshemustbeintrimforalongandstormywalk.Next,standinginthemiddleoftheroad,shetookaslipofpaperfromherpurse,andreadoutloudalistofcommissionsentrustedtoher—fruit,butter,string,andsoonandallthetimesheneverspokedirectlytoRalphorlookedathim. Ralphheardhergivingorderstoattentive,rosy-checkedmeninwhiteaprons,andinspiteofhisownpreoccupation,hecommenteduponthedeterminationwithwhichshemadeherwishesknown.Oncemorehebegan,automatically,totakestockofhercharacteristics.Standingthus,superficiallyobservantandstirringthesawdustonthefloormeditativelywiththetoeofhisboot,hewasrousedbyamusicalandfamiliarvoicebehindhim,accompaniedbyalighttouchuponhisshoulder. “I’mnotmistaken?SurelyMr.Denham?Icaughtaglimpseofyourcoatthroughthewindow,andIfeltsurethatIknewyourcoat.HaveyouseenKatharineorWilliam?I’mwanderingaboutLincolnlookingfortheruins.” ItwasMrs.Hilberyherentrancecreatedsomestirintheshopmanypeoplelookedather. “Firstofall,tellmewhereIam,”shedemanded,but,catchingsightoftheattentiveshopman,sheappealedtohim.“Theruins—mypartyiswaitingformeattheruins.TheRomanruins—orGreek,Mr.Denham?Yourtownhasagreatmanybeautifulthingsinit,butIwishithadn’tsomanyruins.Ineversawsuchdelightfullittlepotsofhoneyinmylife—aretheymadebyyourownbees?Pleasegivemeoneofthoselittlepots,andtellmehowIshallfindmywaytotheruins.” “Andnow,”shecontinued,havingreceivedtheinformationandthepotofhoney,havingbeenintroducedtoMary,andhavinginsistedthattheyshouldaccompanyherbacktotheruins,sinceinatownwithsomanyturnings,suchprospects,suchdelightfullittlehalf-nakedboysdabblinginpools,suchVenetiancanals,sucholdbluechinainthecuriosityshops,itwasimpossibleforonepersonallalonetofindherwaytotheruins.“Now,”sheexclaimed,“pleasetellmewhatyou’redoinghere,Mr.Denham—foryouareMr.Denham,aren’tyou?”sheinquired,gazingathimwithasuddensuspicionofherownaccuracy.“ThebrilliantyoungmanwhowritesfortheReview,Imean?Onlyyesterdaymyhusbandwastellingmehethoughtyouoneofthecleverestyoungmenheknew.Certainly,you’vebeenthemessengerofProvidencetome,forunlessI’dseenyouI’msureIshouldneverhavefoundtheruinsatall.” TheyhadreachedtheRomanarchwhenMrs.Hilberycaughtsightofherownparty,standinglikesentinelsfacingupanddowntheroadsoastointerceptherif,astheyexpected,shehadgotlodgedinsomeshop. “I’vefoundsomethingmuchbetterthanruins!”sheexclaimed.“I’vefoundtwofriendswhotoldmehowtofindyou,whichIcouldneverhavedonewithoutthem.Theymustcomeandhaveteawithus.Whatapitythatwe’vejusthadluncheon.”Couldtheynotsomehowrevokethatmeal? Katharine,whohadgoneafewstepsbyherselfdowntheroad,andwasinvestigatingthewindowofanironmonger,asifhermothermighthavegotherselfconcealedamongmowing-machinesandgarden-shears,turnedsharplyonhearinghervoice,andcametowardsthem.ShewasagreatdealsurprisedtoseeDenhamandMaryDatchet.Whetherthecordialitywithwhichshegreetedthemwasmerelythatwhichisnaturaltoasurprisemeetinginthecountry,orwhethershewasreallygladtoseethemboth,atanyratesheexclaimedwithunusualpleasureassheshookhands: “Ineverknewyoulivedhere.Whydidn’tyousayso,andwecouldhavemet?AndareyoustayingwithMary?”shecontinued,turningtoRalph.“Whatapitywedidn’tmeetbefore.” Thusconfrontedatadistanceofonlyafewfeetbytherealbodyofthewomanaboutwhomhehaddreamtsomanymilliondreams,Ralphstammeredhemadeaclutchathisself-controlthecoloreithercametohischeeksorleftthem,heknewnotwhichbuthewasdeterminedtofaceherandtrackdowninthecoldlightofdaywhatevervestigeoftruththeremightbeinhispersistentimaginations.Hedidnotsucceedinsayinganything.ItwasMarywhospokeforbothofthem.HewasstruckdumbbyfindingthatKatharinewasquitedifferent,insomestrangeway,fromhismemory,sothathehadtodismisshisoldviewinordertoacceptthenewone.Thewindwasblowinghercrimsonscarfacrossherfacethewindhadalreadyloosenedherhair,whichloopedacrossthecornerofoneofthelarge,darkeyeswhich,soheusedtothink,lookedsadnowtheylookedbrightwiththebrightnessoftheseastruckbyanuncloudedrayeverythingaboutherseemedrapid,fragmentary,andfullofakindofracingspeed.Herealizedsuddenlythathehadneverseenherinthedaylightbefore. Meanwhile,itwasdecidedthatitwastoolatetogoinsearchofruinsastheyhadintendedandthewholepartybegantowalktowardsthestableswherethecarriagehadbeenputup. “Doyouknow,”saidKatharine,keepingslightlyinadvanceoftherestwithRalph,“IthoughtIsawyouthismorning,standingatawindow.ButIdecidedthatitcouldn’tbeyou.Anditmusthavebeenyouallthesame.” “Yes,IthoughtIsawyou—butitwasn’tyou,”hereplied. Thisremark,andtheroughstraininhisvoice,recalledtohermemorysomanydifficultspeechesandabortivemeetingsthatshewasjerkeddirectlybacktotheLondondrawing-room,thefamilyrelics,andthetea-tableandatthesametimerecalledsomehalf-finishedorinterruptedremarkwhichshehadwantedtomakeherselfortohearfromhim—shecouldnotrememberwhatitwas. “Iexpectitwasme,”shesaid.“Iwaslookingformymother.IthappenseverytimewecometoLincoln.Infact,thereneverwasafamilysounabletotakecareofitselfasoursis.Notthatitverymuchmatters,becausesomeonealwaysturnsupinthenickoftimetohelpusoutofo